I only want a supermodel? By Avi Woolf

I have three sisters, so I hear a lot of complaints about single eligible religious guys. Hands down, the most common one is that guys only want supermodels; anyone who does not look like Kate Upton or ‘90s Cindy Crawford need not apply. A pleasant and nurturing personality doesn’t matter unless you’re a size two. Perhaps the best sign of this is people who try to set me up and sound so apologetic that their candidate is not perfectly stunning, as if I’d reject such a person out of hand.

Yeah, no. It’s true that there are many guys who are either in such high demand – or think they’re in such high demand – that they think they can shoot for the “top of the heap.” But most guys aren’t seriously shooting for the frum Kate Uptons any more than most girls might be gunning for the Jewish George Clooneys. We would be perfectly happy with girls we find reasonably attractive – both physically and personality-wise. Believe me, most guys will far prefer a 6 who shows interest in him and invests in him than in a 9 who won’t give him the time of day.

Which brings me to the flip side of this equation: many girls have convinced themselves that since men want a standard of beauty that is out of reach, there is no point in working on being reasonably attractive. Men are expected to “just accept them for who they are” without any effort on their part. I have met quite a number of girls who could go from OK to pretty and even stunning if they’d invest some effort in their appearance – no surgery or crazy diets needed. But either the fear of never matching up to Kate Upton or some other equally negative thought prevents them from being the best they can be.

Being physically attractive to men is not necessarily more “objectifying” than it is to dress up to impress other women in your social circle – it is merely a form of social investment, a demonstration that you consider your opposite number valuable enough to put in an effort for them. Women legitimately want men to work on their personality, confidence, appearance and other traits in order to attract them. Such effort by men shows that they value the women they’re with enough to want to improve for them. It is much the same the other way around.

And what of personality? Doesn’t that matter?

Absolutely – attractiveness is both an external and internal trait. A pleasant personality can greatly increase attractiveness – especially smiling and general happiness. If you don’t believe me – try smiling more at guys you’re interested in. You’ll more than likely get approached or at least noticed more. This too is part of the investment.

As for the guys, I’ll get more into their part in my next post here.

Avi WoolfAbout Avi
Avi Woolf is a 31-year old content editor and budding tech writer with Modern Orthodox attitudes and a libertarian streak. He’s dated for eight years looking for a girl with whom to brave life and have a family. Likes chess, hates phoniness

Deena’s note: This piece is about the need for women to give guys more credit. It reminds me of Women of the World by Brian Thomas, our fellow Times of Israel blogger. Check it out.

10 thoughts on “I only want a supermodel? By Avi Woolf

  1. While I agree with you that every woman should make an effort, for herself and her future spouse, there IS a huge problem with many men in the “shidduch parasha” looking for a supermodel. In fact, many would turn down Kate Upton because she is not a size zero. I married several years ago. I always worked to make myself look good and continue to every day. My husband does as well. Unfortunately I have spoken to many boys in the “shidduch parsha” who have told me they only want a size 2 and miraculously turn down any girl who is not drop dead gorgeous. I do not think this is an exception, I see this as a new expectation. In our communities attractiveness should be valued, but things like personality and middos are of equal importance. Not to mention the fact that many of these guys who want only drop dead gorgeous girls, are often in need of work themselves – between their lack of manners (where are their mothers?), poor hygiene, cholent stained shirts and flab, it astounds me that they request perfection from their future spouse.

  2. I agree. Many men (and women) aren’t looking for a supermodel, rather for someone who is attractive to them, with a kind and nice disposition, and someone who is interested in them. I will tell you what the real issue is: Getting to the first date… both men and women don’t realize the power of their pictures on Facebook and in other locations. This is the reason that many of them don’t even go out on the first date. It is not about looking like a supermodel. It is a matter of making sure that their picture is attractive, reflecting the true beauty of the way they appear in real life. Is it unfortunate that people are basing looks on a picture? That is up for discussion or opinions, but it is the fact of the world that we live in. Second point: A positive attitude is so attractive. I am looking forward to seeing your advice to the guys in your article next week, Avi.

  3. Ok, this is a late response to this but I only read it now. Much of this really needs modification when being applied to older singles. As a single woman in her 50’s I CANNOT COMPETE. I am reasonably attractive, I have a nice figure, I am not fat. But — I am a little overweight, my skin is loose, my hair is grey (although I DO color it) — but I am noticeably “older”. Unfortunately, beauty of the physical kind, fades. It gets much harder for a woman of my age to “market herself”. The knees go. The hips go. Wearing heels becomes impossible. Dressing in the latest styles won’t work as they are geared to much younger women who are thinner and firmer. I always make sure to dress nicely when I go out, put on make up, be clean, my hair is styled, etc. Most of the men I meet, well it is obvious that they are NOT putting much effort into their appearance. There are FAR many more women than men. So THEY think they get to “pick and choose” and they seem to always be looking over the shoulders of the women they date — for someone or something “better”. So. There needs to be MUCH less emphasis on the EXTERNALS and more emphasis on what is real, on the inside.

  4. Dear Hashgacha Pratit,
    It’s true that you can’t compete with younger women or for guys who want much younger women. It’s also true that the older you get, the more the “gender ratio” skews in favor of men. But that doesn’t mean things are hopeless. First, I recommend (as a guy) that you seek out men who are in their late fifties-sixties, guys for whom you ARE the younger woman. Another thing I would emphasize is what used to be called “womanly charms”, i.e. femininity. This is a lost art for my generation (I discussed the male equivalent in a whole post), but it’s something I think people of your age know and understand far better. Also, and this is something I intend to address in a whole post, but try to broaden your “love lens”. Take some time to observe men around your age and find good qualities about them, not just things which are a problem. You may start to find there are more guys out there (that you find attractive) than you realize.
    Kol Tuv and Happy Hunting,

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