HaBitza

I’ve never used Shidduch Net. All I know is that it’s a dating site catering towards the religious/traditional community. Jdate is more general, catering to the Jewish (and now even non-Jewish) singles community.

Shidduch Net is free. Jdate is far from cheap.

And now both of these Jewish dating sites are implementing some changes to their sites. Curious what changes?

I had a glimmer of hope that Jdate would announce their new site. But now, Jdate is just tightening their grip of the members, allowing you to see less if you aren’t paying.

Shidduch Net, on the other hand, has updated their site in order to improve the user experience.

The fact that Jdate is very old fashioned, has major glitches and still charges so much, boggles the mind. I mean, OK fine. Charge what you want. But why do we continue to pay them?  Jdate is stuck in the olden days and we still love to give them our money. It’s unbelievable.

Read more of my Jdate rants here, here and here. (I still can’t believe that most of the guys who want to see my profile won’t be able to see the written part.)

Here is the message from Jdate about their changes:

Here is a compilation of the latest on dating and singlehood. Please email me stuff for next week’s Dating News. habitza@gmail.com

Tu B’Av events in Jerusalem

I wrote a guest post on The Big Felafel about the main events happening in Jerusalem for Tu B’Av, the Jewish holiday of love. (This year Tu B’Av starts on Sunday night, August 14.)

OKCupid’s new mobile app

While you’re at one of these Tu B’Av events, maybe you could use OKCupid‘s newly announced mobile app. It helps you find out if there are potential matches for you, in your vicinity, in real time.

Really cool or really creepy?

“Don’t get married, please.”

But, of course, whether or not you search for love at these events, just make sure not to actually tie the knot, OK?

Dr. Neil Warren, a Christian psychologist and founder of eHarmony.com has advised that of the 2 million couples who planned to get married this year [in the USA], “several hundred thousand…should reconsider, postpone their weddings, or not get married” at all. So true!

Read the full article in the Christian Post.

The most unmarried group of people

Well then, I guess that makes black women very lucky people. Seems they are the most unmarried group of people in America. (Full article here.)

Which is the most unmarried group of people in Israel or in the Jewish community, I wonder? (Maybe white Canadian-Israeli women in their 30s? :)

The (j)date from hell

Hmmm… Could it be that the most single group of people in the Jewish community is people using Jdate? :)

Ilana Angel writes in JewishJournal.com about her date from hell… through Jdate.

Thing is, although I am not one to laud the praises of Jdate, it’s hard for me to relate to her conclusion that Jdate is the devil. I’ve met some totally decent guys on the site. Not sure why this discrepancy exists.

TheJMom.com is launched in Israel

Maybe the problem is that Ilana should be asking her mom to help her find a date! Marketwire.com announced the imminent launching of TheJMom.com in Israel. This is the site where our moms try to set us up.

But if so many people are uncomfortable admitting they met their significant others on dating sites, how much more difficult will it be to say: “Our moms met on a dating site”???

Friends set up friends

Does friends setting us up seem more palatable? TheJMom reminds me of shoshvinim, the Israeli site where friends set up friends.

Double date online dating site

Or maybe, instead of trying to set your friends up, you could just go on their date with them! DuoDate is a site based on double dating.

Which means, that if people get really confused between these three sites, they could totally end up on a date with their mothers and their best friends. Or maybe they could end up left at home with their friends dating their mothers.

Awkward? Still better than Ilana’s date, I’m sure!

The end

I’m sure it’s now obvious what work you have set out for you this week:

Get your moms on thejmom, your friends on shoshvinim, help your black female friends find love, talk to an Israeli (or Anglo, depending who you are) and, whatever you do, don’t get married. Oh, and, of course, go to a Tu B’Av event Sunday night (or Monday) and let me know how it goes. (Maybe if you’re nice I’ll tell you which event I went to.)

Have a wonderful week!

Deena

Someone found my site yesterday after searching the words “how to use jdate.”

My first reaction when I saw this was that I should write a user’s manual for the Jdate user. My second reaction? “God, I wouldn’t know where to start!”

I guess rule number one would be:

Use as little as possible

Jdate is so quirky and expensive that I use it as little as possible.

Look, I cannot deny that Jdate offers the most important thing. Namely, a huge database of single Jews. But at the same time their site is based off technology that is so painfully outdated and buggy that it’s shameful. I mean, if the site were free, I couldn’t call it shameful. But for 129NIS/month?! The site has quirks that go beyond fair considering it’s a paid service.

Jdate is not compatible with Chrome and I doubt it’s truly compatible with any newer browser (should we all be using Internet Explorer 6, dear Jdate?). The chat is so wonky that almost any chat I have with members begins with, “Oh, one second. I can’t see anything. Wait…. Oh, did you write something? Ah! Was that a smiley? Ugh. Jdate chat sucks.” “Yeah, I hate it too.”

(Does make me wonder how much of it is that we love to hate it :)

Get ready for a joy ride when you use the Jdate chat

When I chat on Jdate in Chrome in Hebrew (I am not sure which browsers have this itty bitty tiny, inconsequential quirk), the conversation is shown backwards. I bolded that in case you wouldn’t believe me if it was in regular font.

Yes, the words show in backwards order. I know, that’s better than if all letters were backwards but, needless to say, this is quite the ridiculous experience.

Ah, you need an example? OK fine, here you go:

So, I write:

שלום. שמי דינה. מה שלומך?

What I see after I click enter is:

שלומך מה דינה שמי שלום.

It could drive the most patient of women crazy (and I am not one of those patient women!).

Have both .co.il and .com open simultaneously

Don’t forget that when you’re logged into the Israeli version, you can’t read the free text sections of people’s profiles who are using the .com version. And yes, visa versa.

You can read my post about this issue here. Interestingly, they seem to consider this a totally legitimate quirk for a service that costs 129NIS(!) a month. (No, if I ever pay you, it will not be for more than a month at a time so I don’t care about your cheaper prices if I pay you for three or six months.)

What most infuriates me about this huge bug is that they seem to think it totally fine not to actually mention this problem in any noticeable spot. This fact infuriates me more than anything else about this problem. It is probably this in itself that makes me feel like it’s almost my duty to spell out their quirks for them. If they at least openly acknowledged the issues they have with their site and if, ideally, they admitted the need to look into upgrading their site, I would at least be able to respect that and possibly even give them my money a little more often.

Think about it… I have put a lot of effort into my profile and yet, since I signed up through the .com site, so many Israeli guys probably see my profile and just move on because they see me as not serious, as someone who couldn’t even take the time to fill out her profile.

The fact they let us use their site for years without a word about it in a prominant place (I don’t know if it’s mentioned anywhere in the “small print” of the site)… That they’ve never tried to at least have a message show when you’re viewing a profile from one site while logged into another site… The fact they haven’t come up with any solution for this in all this time (I wonder how long this problem has existed and have they given it any thought?)… Unless I hear something other than what I know already, it actually seems very sneaky, to try to get away with such a huge bug in a paid service.

Mute your computer

The chat sounds on Jdate are to die for. Nuff said.

Use it anyway

That’s the crazy part, ay? We still will use it. We all complain about it but we keep using it. Because with such a huge database of Jewish singles, nothing else can compete.

That is why I always push two things:

1. Jewish singles should use OKCupid more and

2. Jdate should shape up and get a freakin’ new site. (I happen to know a great web development company, hint hint hint.) :)

Some other tips for Jdate usage

1. If you want to use it without paying, keep it open and paid members will be able to start a chat with you. If someone tickles your fancy during a chat, make sure to get their email addresses before ending the chat so you can get back in touch with them without having to pay.

2. In general, the more you leave the site open on your computer, the more messages you’ll receive.

3. Really – have both .com and .co.il sites open if you’re using the site in Israel. If it looks like someone wrote nothing in their profile, consider the possibility that you’re viewing it through the “wrong” site.

4. Buy all the extra things they want to sell you! :)

What’s next?

You know, the last time I blogged about the terrible problems with their site, I immediately got a reply from one of their reps. I wonder what they’ll have to say this time. Maybe they’ll tell me they’ve begun development on a new site????

Anyway, considering the status quo of Jdate, what else would you recommend keeping in mind while using the site?

P.S. Haha. Just to prove how active Jdate users are (and how many there are), I opened up the site while writing this post in order to check something out (you know, pure research) and I received two new messages during that short time. See why people use it?!

P.P.S. Don’t actually turn off the sound or else you’ll never hear if someone is trying to start a chat with you.

Image by Allison Joy on flickr.

I’m available again. And with evening here and too much time to think, I’ve reopened jdate in one of my Chrome tabs. I’m flipping through the list of men who have viewed my profile in the last while. And then I scroll through the results of guys from a half-ass search I did.

And then I think about one of the guys whose profile I recently read. He wrote something like this:

I admit I’m addicted to this site. Being able to skim through all these girls’ profiles, most of them attractive…

I don’t think I’ll ever understand him. Where’s the pleasure? Looking at people on your screen who are composed of 2D pictures and a few sentences?

Yuck.

I use online dating a ton. I find it the best way to date for me. But I don’t like it. I am far from addicted to it. It is a means to an end.

Someone else wrote in his profile that the dating process sucks.

Now that I can relate to. We’re not here for the coffee. That cup of coffee some of you think isn’t a big deal? Well, we aren’t here for that coffee so it’s not a selling point.

We’re here to find that special person to be with. And until then, we’ll keep coming back. Because it’s a great tool. Period.

Photo by CarbonNYC on flickr.

Why am I writing this

I’ve debated writing about this huge “quirk” I found on Jdate and have finally decided to do it since they don’t write about it anywhere that I’ve noticed (AKA, anywhere that would have been helpful to me) so I figure someone’s gotta do it.

Please note: In case you aren’t going to read this whole piece, I am not saying that Jdate is a bad site to use. It’s fine, if only because it’s such a big database of Jewish singles. But it’s important to know about this problem that I only figured out after years of using the site.

The beginning of the tale

For years I was half-heartedly using jdate. I’d almost never pay membership because it didn’t seem like a serious place to meet someone. Why? It seemed like Israelis (and I’m in Israel so this matters) just weren’t filling out their profiles. I couldn’t understand why they’d contact someone who obviously had put effort into her site and was obviously looking for a serious relationship when they didn’t seem serious at all.

For years (did I mention that yet?) I’d see this phenomenon and I understood it to mean that these guys just weren’t looking for something serious. I even wrote about it here.

jdate.com and jdate.co.il not compatible (oh yeah and, btw, I didn’t even know there is a jdate.co.il)

A couple months ago, after years of thinking this about Israeli men (read my current opinion of Israeli men), I got a message from an Israeli dude and I just couldn’t help it. I wrote back and thanked him for contacting me but told him I thought it was strange he didn’t fill out his profile and I asked him if he could tell me about himself.

He wrote back and said that he had filled out his profile.

Hmmmm….

I immediately wrote a letter to JDate support asking them why it was that I couldn’t see this guy’s profile content. They answered that if I’m logged into the English language site, viewing profiles of guys from the Hebrew site, because the site doesn’t have a “translation service,” I can’t see what they wrote. If I wanted to, I could log in through the Hebrew site in order to view these guys’ profiles.

This is what you see of Hebrew profiles when logged into jdate.com. Even their pictures aren't serious!

And here are the same profiles when logged into the jdate.co.il site. Of course it’s hard to tell the difference since I had to cover up all the text…

OMG

Over the course of the next couple weeks, it sunk in what they were saying. Basically Ms. Jdate Support was telling me that all these years (did I mention, years?) I was using their service (paying on and off) and getting only a fraction of the service. Nowhere on the site (not even when visiting a profile from the .co.il website) is there a message explaining that you are not seeing the whole profile and that you should login through .co.il if you want to see what the person wrote.

The top of jdate.com once you're logged in. Any sign that there is a jdate in other languages?

Finally I wrote back the following:

I am feeling so incredulous about what you wrote me in this email that I still am unsure how to reply to it.

I have been on your site for years and for years I always wondered why Israeli guys seem not to take the online dating seriously since almost none of them (except the English speakers) actually filled out the open-ended questions on the site.

If you look at my account I’m sure you’ll see that I’ve paid for a month here and there over the years but definitely never for more than a month at a time. This is because, especially during the years that I’ve lived in Israel (and I’m back here again), I found there was almost no one serious on the site (because they supposedly put so little effort into their profiles).

…

This would not seem like such a big deal to me if you were a small site. But you are a huge site – possibly the biggest dating site for Jews – and you charge a pretty penny for anyone who wants to be active on the site.

I never would have thought of this but a close friend, when I told her about this, actually thought I should ask for a refund for all the times I’ve paid you to use the site. This seemed like an extreme reaction but it made me realize what a big deal this “little” glitch in your site is.

Of course this all comes down to the fact that you should have an up-to-date site.

…

But if for some reason you are hesitating going that route…, the minimum is that when someone is logged into the .com site and they click on a .co.il profile, there should be a prominent message that explains that you need to be logged in with .co.il to fully see the profile. And visa versa.

Unfortunately, on my dating blog I’ve written about Israeli jdate guys not filling out their profile (here is the post) and I will have to relate to this at some point since I was mistaken, but I need to figure out how to do this. I figured I first should mention all of this to you.

I’d truly appreciate an answer. I’m sorry my email is a little harsh but every time I think about this, recalling all the times I have said to people, “I don’t understand why Israeli guys don’t fill out their profiles?” I can’t believe that it was a technical issue and nowhere on the site, ever, did I see this written out.

And all of this is not to mention the missed opportunity over the years (years!). I am looking for a serious relationship and have used the site without realizing all the potential there.

Thanks,

Deena

They quickly replied, thanking me for my thoughts and ideas and telling me they forwarded my email on to the “appropriate department.”

I know. It’s touching how badly they felt and how apologetic they were. I’m being sarcastic, in case you couldn’t tell. I didn’t copy their emails into this blog post since I don’t have their permission but I wrote the main points from each of their two emails.

Does jdate provide a good service beyond being the place to find the highest number of Jewish singles online?

When I think about how unapologetic they were, it actually gets me a bit upset. And to think I still use their site. Actually, now that I know how to use it properly, I use it more than ever. Grrr…

I wonder, is jdate like those kosher restaurants we only eat at because they’re kosher? And if ever anyone would finally open up a decent kosher restaurant, then the jdate-type restaurant would go out of business?

Or, maybe the unappetizing kosher restaurant could find the guts to stand behind their site (I mean restaurant) and, of course, redo the whole damn thing. It might be good if you didn’t feel like you were in 1995 when you stopped by for a corn beef sandwich. Just saying.

Of course I have no idea why everyone doesn’t just move to OKCupid. Have I mentioned that it’s free?

P.S. The same problem exists in the opposite direction. Basically you could end up needing both the .com and .co.il websites open at the same time in order to be able to read profiles from everyone.

Here is a message I got from one guy on a dating website:

Instead of each of us sitting alone in front of our computers, we could be together cuddling.

Of course this message brought up some very serious questions for me like, where is my sense of carpe diem? What is wrong with me that I am not inclined to go cuddle with an absolute stranger?

This is exactly the type of thing that makes marriage-minded men and women hesitate getting involved with online dating.

OMG, she sent me a wink.

But it isn’t only that. The cuddle message, left at that, is almost harmless. But my friends who keep talking to me about the fact that they are considering trying online dating but are really hesitant, tell me that the main reason they hesitate is because they hear such nightmare stories from their friends about online dating.

Well, I truly believe that online dating does not automatically have to include the craziness or the nightmares that people talk about. I actually believe that most of the time, with some awareness and integrity (towards yourself), you can steer clear of the bad ones and stay focused on finding someone nice to date.

If I were to give you one rule for online dating it would be:

Be more picky about who you date from websites than who you are willing to date in “real life.”

If, for example, you’re in touch with someone and you start getting a bad feeling about them. Maybe they were rude to you or mentioned something that you really don’t like. If you were being set up by a friend, you’d probably still go ahead because it’s worth checking out what it was your friend saw in them.

But if this is happening through online dating, I say, it’s random enough as it is. If you don’t have such a good feeling about a person, finish with them (nicely) and move on to the next.

What is your number one rule for online dating?

Photo by Evil Erin on flickr.

Besides the “Oy vey” and “We’re doomed” thoughts, many other thoughts go through my head while hanging out on jdate.

Actually, I’ve been spending the last hour going through my inbox and opening messages I never even got around to opening. I barely use jdate so things get pretty backed up there when I actually decide to pay them once or twice a year.

Here are my thoughts:

1. If everyone writes that the ideal relationship is based on honesty, who is it that is having those un-open, dishonest relationships? Maybe those who are actually off jdate, dating? :)
2. The ad on the left of two perfect-looking people hugging is oh so different than the pictures I’m looking at of real people. Wouldn’t realistic ads do so much better? Do marketers still think we really are that stupid? Or is it that real people would do so much better lying even more than some of them obviously are?
3. Lying: My dear, you are NOT 35. And, btw, besides your pictures, the thing that gave it away was that you’re willing to date a woman that is up to 36 years old. You don’t seem like that kind of dude – that open-minded – so that totally gives it away.
4. Lost cause: My heart goes out to most guys when I read their profiles. You basically have no idea who they are. Most of them write almost the exact same thing and it makes sense that is how it is because most people aren’t creative writers who are able to take a good look at themselves and write meaningful essays about themselves.
5. Stop trying to sell yourself and start making yourself sellable. I’m reading Purple Cow by Seth Godin and he talks about spending less time on the marketing and more time on making the product spectacular to begin with. When I see people trying so desperately to sell themselves, I just think, make yourself sellable and then you won’t have to worry so much.
6. I’m full of it. It sucks having to hope that someone will finally see how great you are. For years. Of course five isn’t exactly right. You really could be awesome and it’s just hard for you to get that across (see 4) and you just keep sounding like everyone else (see 1) and you’re competing against fake people (see 2) and you’re tempted to lie (see 3) and you are a great product but you aren’t a marketer (see 5).

Lost cause is right! Of course the site could actually take a leap and offer totally innovative experiences on the site (like okcupid) but then again, would that make a difference?

I’m curious. What do you think of the winks? Reminds me of the pokes on facebook. Silly? I dunno… After a while it really is so hard to keep contacting strangers. I guess it’s a pretty simple and safe way to get someone’s attention.

All in all, good times, ay? I need to get back to opening messages that are 1.5 years old.

myflipside is considering signing up to a dating site. But she hesitates for different reasons including feeling unsure she’ll find anyone worth checking out and not wanting to spend the money. (As far as I understood.)

These are both interrelated and very relevant concerns.

So this is what I think:

I say, go month to month. I know they try to sell you 3, 6 or 12 month subscriptions but those just don’t work for me. What I do is sign up for a month here and there and when I don’t feel like it, I just let the month pass and don’t go back until I feel like it again.

Regarding finding decent people, well, all you can do is keep your eyes open. If someone really doesn’t sound cool, forget it. I am more picky with guys online because I figure there is the random factor and so it’s legit not to be as open minded there.

One more thing is that I’d check out OKCupid.com It is free and pretty cool and worth checking out. But that I wrote about already.

Good luck!

Jdate is not geared only towards singles looking to get married. Even if you’re only looking for someone to cook you dinner or to go bungy jumping with, that’s fine with Jdate. All you need to do is specify what type of relationship you’re looking for.

I think a new category should be added:

The Facebook relationship

You wake up and flip open your laptop. You wait for your computer to connect and check to see if your fb partner “liked” anything on your profile while you were asleep. This is equivalent to having the person brew you fresh coffee.

Throughout the day you throw quick glances at your Blackberry. Any new messages from your partner? Did they write something on your wall? Or maybe even a private message? If not, you might check out his/her profile to see what they are telling, if not you personally, their 583 closest friends. You learn so much that way, right? A window into the person’s soul, if you ask me.

When you’re feeling in just the right mood, you’ll send a poke that person’s way. You’ll wait with bated breath to see if you will get the all-telling poke in return! If not, long (technically annoying) facebook chats with your friends will ensue as you try to interpret this strange lack of poking and what it could possibly mean…

Since you have never met in person, you will take pictures of yourself in different settings and always make sure to tag him/her right next to you. People will comment on what a cute couple you make! You’ll know that’s right because he/she tags you in their pictures too!

But how do you know if it’s going somewhere? What are the signs to look for in order to know how your facebook partner really, truly feels about you?!

Well, isn’t that obvious? The key to knowing how the person really feels about you is… If they ever invite you to a barn raising party in Farmville and then announce that they created a new facebook fan club called, “People who are crazy about your name.”

When you are “at” (or should I say “@”) that barn raising, you will just know that this person is your true (virtual) love!

"I only date perfect profiles... I mean people."

As I mentioned in my post on how to write a good online dating profile, the written word is a finicky thing. With the written word being the main medium through which we communicate online, this leads to lots of interesting material. Click here for my guide on writing your online dating profile.

And now to figure out what people mean by what they put in their profiles! Here are a couple examples of how to decipher a potential match’s profile. It’s really quite obvious, I must say.

The photograph

No picture means…

1. They don’t know how to use modern technology and didn’t notice where it says you can mail a picture in to the site.
2. They think they are too ugly to have their picture up on the site.
3. They think they’re too beautiful to have their picture up on the site. They are convinced that a photo will cloud people’s judgement.
4. They aren’t photogenic.

A full body shot means…

1. I’m comfortable with you seeing the full me.
2. I’m uncomfortable with you seeing a close-up of my face.
3. I couldn’t find any other normal photos.
4. I’m not photogenic so the further away, the better.
5. I dunno… I just grabbed the first picture I found. I don’t even know what I’m doing on this site.

Character traits

Girl #1: Funny, sensitive and romantic.

Girl #2: High-strung, depressed and ADHD.

Hmmm… Who do I prefer? Lets see…

Girl #1 is one of the following options:

1. Self-aware and honest with very positive character traits. Quite a catch!
2. Stuck-up and unaware of how she really comes across in social settings.
3. Funny, sensitive and romantic.
4. Got her closest friend to fill in this part of the profile because she felt uncomfortable talking about herself.

Girl #2 is one of the following options:

1. Self-aware but too honest. Though at least she’s honest!
2. Unable to say anything good about herself – a perfect specimen to fix, if that’s what you’re looking for.
3. High-strung, depressed and ADHD.
4. Got her closest friend to choose for her – time to find new friends, don’t you think?

We sure learn a lot from people’s profiles, don’t we? In case you still haven’t read my guide to creating a good online dating profile here are a couple (other) things to keep in mind:

1. Add photos! More than one is better and close ups of the face make more sense.
2. Get a friend’s help.
3. Check your spelling and grammar! (Secret: I’m a creative speller. I LOVE spell check.)
4. Be freakin’ honest.

Photo by striatic on flickr.