Matchmaker rules

So you want to set someone up?  It doesn’t matter if you’re single or married – there is a way to do this, and more precisely – a way not to do it.

So here are a few recommendations to start with, but we’re sure once this particular ball starts rolling it will snowball very fast!  Anyone out there (single or married) want to add something?  Please do – we’ll add the comments we really like to the page.

1. Don’t assume the person wants to be set up in general or specifically by you or with this perfect person you know for them. Ask them, without making any assumptions. Don’t take it personally if they don’t want you to set them up and, preferably, show that you are understanding (as opposed to bitter and judgmental that they are obviously digging their own single graves, imho).
2. If you call someone with a potential date idea, give the person space to ask you whatever they want about the person and time to decide if they want to take you up on the offer. No pressure!
3. You mentioned a possible date to someone?  Follow up and set it up within 3 days.  You heard us – 3 days.  Legit excuses accepted.  It’s not nice, not fair, not menschlich and so hurtful to string people along, even if your intentions were pure and holy.  You suggested?  Do it.  And if you’re not ready to do it, wait till you are before you suggest.
4. When you are talking to a single person about themselves and what they’re looking for, remember that some of the topics discussed might be feeling very personal. Be sensitive about that!
5. You don’t need to know if this couple will invite you to their son’s brit.  You don’t need to wonder if they’ll invite you to their wedding.  When you set people up, the main objective should be that they should have a pleasant evening.  You can’t even be clear about “hashkafa” compatibility (let alone the other kinds).  You just need to ask yourself, “Can I see these two people smiling at each other over a cup of coffee?”  And if you can, then go for it.
6. Make sure you know something about the people you’re setting up.  For example – it’s really quite important to know if they are single.  Not waiting for the divorce to come through,  not holding up a get till they find a new soulmate, not in temporary separation – SINGLE.  Yes, this happened. Please get your facts straight before putting people through a rollercoaster ride. (Those of you daters who have been through this particular horror story know who you are.)
7. You should actually know things about both people. Yeah, things. For example, knowing what the person looks like can be helpful… also knowing some basic information like age, occupation, marriage history, etc.
8. If the person turns down an offer, don’t assume you know why. Find out why. Do they not want to be set up in general? Or maybe right now? Or maybe the girl/guy you thought of for them doesn’t seem like a good match? Don’t be nosey but find out the general reason so you can act appropriately in the future.
9. Setting people up does not give you ownership over them.  Make it clear at the outset that if they want to give you feedback it’s welcome, and then back off.  No questions, no nudging, no winking, no comments – if they want to discuss it with you they will.  (they also might come and break your windows – but that’s a risk all matchmakers take…)
10. Make sure you have reinforced glass.

Setting people up is always difficult if the focus is to try and make a perfect match.  Often “perfect” on paper is “how-could-you-do-this-to-me” in person.  And we all know couples who have great marriages although everyone predicted disaster at the outset.  Go know.

But if your objective is to arrange for two people to have a pleasant evening (or morning, or whenever you do these things), it becomes much easier to set people up.  Just remember the glass thingy and you’ll be fine.

To the singles being set up

Try to be understanding! It is the hardest thing, doing matchmaking. One of the reasons people hesitate doing it is because they are worried they’ll cause a disaster and all parties will be forever enemies afterwards. So try not to take things too personally and, of course, don’t say yes to dates you don’t feel comfortable about. Don’t give into pressure. Only say yes if you really want to, for yourself. Not for the matchmaker.

Also, matchmakers are people too, you know. Probably most people who are trying to do matchmaking are well-meaning folk. But if they don’t get feedback, how can they know? Telling them if they were too pushy or were totally off with the person they thought of for you, will help them with future matches they try to make (if they aren’t too traumatized themselves) for you and others.