In the religious world these guys are probably defined at least in part as the ones who aren’t so religious, maybe drink, maybe do dope, maybe have a murky past or even murkier friends.  The guys who blow smoke into your face, stand you up, and then sit you down while they flirt with the waitress.  But when they turn their somewhat seedy charm on you…you’re lost again… (and you can’t know that in 20 years time, “seedy” will be all that’s left of the charm)

And then I hear over and over again from the “good guys” that the girls consider them too “goody-goody”, that being nice to a girl is a turn-off, that girls only want to be friends with them, nothing more…these are the guys who are too “nice”…

I have no answers.  Only a recommendation.  Keep an open mind about the nice guys… you may even find something attractively bad about them…

And an ode to the bad boys, from x-factor no less!

Examples of less weird:

• He must have a “good” job – and don’t bring me someone who’s earning zillions and is a plumber, I’m not a snob but really…
• She must have a college degree
• He must be a fun person, someone who plays softball in the park, someone who goes “singing in the rain”, someone who comes to the date  with a gemara under one arm and a football under the other

Examples of more weird:

• He must wear a certain kind of kippa – not the teeny ones, not the black velvet ones, not the ones that look, you know, bought…
• She must wear certain clothing – jeans skirt sweeping the floor, layers of clothing with a cape on top
• He must be able to sing really well, and harmonize with himself in three voices
• She must be able to play the harpsichord

And on it goes.

What’s your weirdest criteria?  This is your chance to come clean…

everyone lists about something

I just couldn’t resist!  For all Mikado lovers, with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan.

For the tune, check out the link at the end of this post.

IRRITATED DATER:

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list
Of dating offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There’s the pestilential nuisances who never take a bath —
All guys who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
All girls who go on dates galore just for the free latte —
All guys who never will shake hands, negia holds, they say —
And all the lousy matchmakers who constantly insist —
That this shidduch is the best — they’d none of ‘em be missed!

CHORUS

He’s got ‘em on the list — she’s got ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed — they’ll none of ‘em be missed.

IRRITATED DATER:

There’s the guy who thinks he’s the bee’s knees, and talks without a pause —
I’ve got him on the list!  I’ve got him on the list!
And the girl who eats spaghetti and it lands up in her hair,
They never would be missed — they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, while he sticks to you like glue,
The virtues of all dates he’s been on,  not including you;
And the girl from the yishuvim, who thinks that everyone’s spoiled,
And who “doesn’t think she’d dress like that”, verpatchket and vershmoiled (not a word but it sorta rhymes)
And that singular anomaly, the lady rabbanit —
Some  don’t think she’d be missed — perhaps  she would be missed!

CHORUS

He’s got her on the list — she’s got him on the list;
And I don’t think they”ll be missed — I’m sure they won’t be missed!

The original song goes something like this (it’s traditional to meddle with the lyrics):

Photo by KaCey97007’s photostream on flickr

But, I think that part of the list is things we’re not sure about. Today I was talking to a friend and I asked her if she thought there was anything wrong with the fact that I am not sure if I want to be with an Orthodox or just traditional guy. Even though this distinction has huge repercussions, she didn’t think so and actually, I think that being unsure is potentially a very positive thing. The more open you are to who your beshert might be, the more you admit that “the one” is probably going to come somewhat as a surprise to you. Maybe the more open you are to the possibilities and the unknown, the more ready you are to meet the right person.

Needless to say, not sure it’s a good idea to have too long a list.

I need him to have 1) Blond hair 2) Blue eyes...

OK, so it turns out I have a whole theory about this… Bear with me and argue if you must.

First, let me ask you this: What are you looking for in a person? Are you looking for something intangible, more of a feeling than anything else? Or are you looking for someone who fills a list of very concrete things that you think you need in a life partner?

I think it’s both and I think that if you disregard either, you might end up in deep doodoo. Specifically, if you think it’s only a feeling, then you’re not taking as much control over your fate as possible. I say this because I totally believe that everyone has a list, whether consciously or subconsciously. But if it stays in the subconscious, a few things might happen: You could have some pretty random things on it; you might be missing some very important things; and you’re just leaving your relationships to a supposed fate which will swoop down and push you in the right direction.

Yes, I do think that there is a feeling aspect but you can’t just ignore the list.

I think it’s a good idea to think about what is on your list. What things are you expecting to see in the person you’re looking for. Religious, put together a certain way, funny, deep, easy-going, quiet… What are you hoping for? Then, after you bring the list from subconscious to conscious, you can decide which of those things should stay and which should be removed. You can think about which are more important than others and you can consider if you might have forgotten anything.

Then, when someone comes along, you can consciously compare the person to the list. (God, sounds so unromantic… Forgive me.) The person most certainly won’t have everything on the list and they will most probably have qualities you didn’t list. You can decide which things are too important to give up on and which things are worth letting go of in order to stay with the person.

Of course through all of this it’s so important that we be honest with ourselves. So, for example, we should only let go of a quality or characteristic if that feels OK. If it’s not feeling like the right thing to do, it would be wrong to just ignore that. We need to figure out why it’s difficult to let go and if that’s a legit reason to hold on or not. Also, is there something I’m hoping for but don’t want to admit it to myself so I’m subconsciously looking for it without consciously putting it on my list?

Anyway, now that I’ve analyzed this to death, I think it’s time to put it out into the world for all of you to read. Good luck to you all! It is definitely a nice little (big) theory. Now if it would only work.

P.S. haha I just told my friend that I’m a romantic. Sure doesn’t come across in this post. But I am… I believe two people can connect to have the ultimate relationship. But I believe we need to be conscious of what we’re looking for, what we’re trying to attract and what we’re attracting. Don’t you?

Photo by koalazymonkey on flickr.

The results show that most people believe that guys should pay on the first date. How that is fair to these guys going on so many first dates is beyond me. If someone can explain this to me, I’d be much obliged!

Here are the results at the time of publishing of this post. You can still vote if you haven’t.

The couple should split the bill equally – go Dutch. 11% (9 votes)

He should pay the bill, she should pay the tip. 14% (11 votes)

What kind of a schlob wouldn’t pay for the date? Of course he should pay! 51% (40 votes)

She should pay the bill, dammit! And the tip! 0% (0 votes)

Each date is different. There are no rules. 16% (13 votes)

Other: 8% (6 votes)

• The guy is really nice but not marriage-minded.
• It seemed to be a great date but for some reason unbeknownst to you, the other person isn’t interested in a second date.
• She’s SOOO nice but you just don’t connect.
• And on and on…

How can one keep the faith while going through such a gruelling process? It’s not easy, especially when really we have no idea how things are going to work out! I’ve heard a few times the idea that if we knew 100% that in such-and-such a number of months/years we’re going to meet the right person, all of this wouldn’t be a big deal. But we don’t know and so it is a big deal.

There are a couple things I can think of that might help.

First, maybe not putting all our eggs in one basket is a good idea. In this case, these are emotional eggs. This is definitely a balance but maybe, when we still barely know the person (and two dates is still barely knowing), instead of looking at our dates as fathers/mothers-of-our-children material, we instead just view them as another human we are getting the opportunity to meet. Shouldn’t that help make the ride less bumpy? (The question, of course, is how to do that.)

Besides that, I find that if I let myself feel pissed or sad, those feelings don’t last forever. Of course if they persist, then it’s time to get some really good, possibly professional, help. And considering the difficulty involved in this process, needing extra support and help would make total sense.

I don’t know… It’s really not easy. How do we find strength to endure any difficulties in life? Especially those that persist… Ideas?

Chizuk (strength) to us all!

You know that feeling that as long as you’re single, people (probably including yourself) are always looking at you, thinking, “Hmmm… There really might be something wrong with Rudagenendel*. I’m not sure if she’s OK.” (*That is a real Yiddish name. Someone was willing to pay my parents if they’d give one of us that name. Guess if they accepted the offer.)

Anyway, I always feel this need to prove I’m normal and healthy to the world (and to myself) because the fact that I’m single makes my normalcy unconvincing. And it’s as if, the moment you get engaged and married, you are finally saying to the world, “Ah, you thought there was something wrong with me but look here! I have a ring on my finger bells on my toes (oh, that’s not normal) and I am committing to someone at long last!”

OK, so basically we believe that once you’re married (or at least in a long-term relationship), you must be OK?

What do I think? I think there is something healthy about committing to the right person at the right time. I think there is something healthy about staying single when that seems like the right thing. But since I do believe that us humans are better coupled than single, being married could very possibly show that you’re OK but not necessarily! Just like, being single could mean something’s wrong but not necessarily.

It also just sucks to have people looking at you all the time wondering what’s wrong with you. So please stop. Thanks.

Oh, the siren has gone off here in Jerusalem. I should turn off my computer. Tata and Shabbat shalom.

With this by my side, I can brave another shidduch date!

I think different people react differently to the perpetual never-ending (redundant – I mean my words… no, dates… no, I’m not sure…) dating experience. But a lot of people who maybe used to just have fun on first dates, are possibly having a little less fun once they’re going on their 40th first date.

Besides the fact that that sucks experience-wise, I think it also takes away from the potential of the date. And so, I’m here to tell you that I believe – firmly, so don’t try to tell me otherwise (OK fine, do) – that everyone should have a drink on their first dates. And I don’t mean coffee. No, not water either.

Both boy and girl should order at least one alcoholic beverage and make a l’chaim together. No pressure to give one of those over-the-top Israel-style brachot-till-you-barf l’chaims, just something short and sweet.

Of course if someone has any issue with alcohol whatsoever – if it makes them sick or they need to stay away from alcohol for any other reason – they should disregard this blog post. But for most people, a little loosening up wouldn’t hurt. Get the more chill, flowing (Vera, you see that?) side going.

P.S. Oh, so you think this is my opinion following a very tipsy and fun Purim on my part? Uh-uh. I have believed in this for a while. I even recently went on a couple first dates (talk about perpetual) and on both made sure to alcoholize myself and my date-partner.

Did this ever happen to you that when you broke up with someone, they reacted so nicely that suddenly you were interested in them again? Considering this experience, I decided to concoct a perfect plan. I needed to figure out if Mr. Dreamy was Mr. Forever-and-Ever. And what better way than to test him. Of course we all should be running many tests on the people we date. Burp and see how they react. Show up an hour late and see if they’re still waiting.

So I decided to go all the way with my test. I’d break up with him. What better way to move things along than to break up in order to see how he reacts!

So, I met up with Mr. Dreamy and told him I wasn’t feeling good about the relationship and I decided we shouldn’t continue seeing each other. …

Ending #1

He said he felt so sad, he opened up to me about how much he cared about me and he said he really wanted it to work out and he was willing to do anything to make it work. I said, “Oh, Mr. Dreamy! I’m so happy you feel that way about me! I don’t really want to break up. Lets get engaged tonight!” And we did!

Ending #2

He suddenly got this mean look in his eyes and said, “How dare you break up with me?! After all the money I spent on our dates in order to impress you! Believe me, my overdraft isn’t thanking me. And there you were smiling at me the whole time while really you were just using me for free coffee and salad and now you’re moving on to your next victim? You evil, evil person. And, by the way, I think your blog SUCKS!”

I got up, said “Tata!” and walked out the door.

Ending #3

He said, “My dear princess [no, he didn't mean Jewish Canadian Princess but more of an Eshet Chayil thing], I’m heart-broken to hear about this decision you’ve made. I admit I was already imagining us under the chuppah! I think you’re a wonderful, sweet, intelligent, beautiful woman. I am sorry I will not be the lucky man who gets to spend the rest of his life with you. And, by the way, I think your blog rocks.”

I said, “You really feel that way about me? Well, actually, let me just be honest with you here. I didn’t really want to break up. I just wanted to see how you’d react to a fake break-up in order to decide if you’re the one for me. You’ve more than proven yourself and so lets make that chuppah happen!”

He stood up, said, “Yeah, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…” and walked out.

Conclusion

People who live in fragile structures should tip-toe quite a lot.

Happy Purim!