HaBitza

People, including myself, are wondering where I’ve disappeared to.

Well, I’m still here. I have finally written a blog post after a long silence, which may still persist if my current writer’s block (or whatever it is) continues.

People want to know why I’m not writing. I’m wondering the same thing. I actually don’t think it’s for lack of inspiration. There is plenty of material out there in the Wild West of dating.

But I’m holding back.

I think that one reason is that a guy I recently dated told me that a few of my posts hurt his feelings. That made me worry.

But it’s not only that. Maybe I’m feeling redundant. I mean, how many times can I say that people should take responsibility for their lives, their actions? Also, I think I feel like being a lot more rude than I usually am. I feel like being a lot more blunt but I don’t necessarily think that’s a very good idea.

There is also always a lot of material that can never be printed, or at least not for a long time, because it’s too personal about me or someone else.

Finally, I think I just don’t want to bore you. Which I’m probably doing right now. So I’ll stop here.

Ilene just wrote in a comment and asked:

By the way Deena, I’m curious to know if your dates know that you blog about your dating experiences, at least on general terms. Do you think that affects things at all? I’d be pretty nervous going out with a dating blogger!

Good question. :) And definitely one I’ve thought about a lot because I’m curious and also because it has concerned me that it could turn guys off.

Me blogging about my latest date

Regarding the guys knowing, it usually works a couple of different ways. Sometimes the guy knows before he even says yes to going out with me and other times he finds out somewhere along the way. This either happens during the phone call (if he asks enough questions when I say that I wrote/blog, then I mention it) or on the first date.

I think 100% of the time guys know by the end of a first date with me.

I also wonder how it affects my dating! It is too hard to tell. It has happened once that a guy could not fathom being with someone that was writing about dating (or in general writing about slightly more personal things than the stock market). But I usually say something like this when I tell them about the site:

“Yes, I have a site about dating but I don’t really write directly about my experiences. It’s not as if I’m going to go home from this date and write about you. But things in my life give me ideas for material and I write about general ideas.

“It actually happens to me all the time that I have ideas for blog posts that I can’t write because it’s too personal for me or someone else. So I really try to consider other people’s need for privacy.”

I ask them if the idea bothers them and almost no guys ever react really negatively. But who knows what they’re thinking!

The thing is that in general, I am a writer and I write about life experiences. I cannot imagine being with someone who wasn’t at least OK with that and able to trust me that I would always be careful not to hurt them (or others). And even more than that, I am quite sure the person would have to actually appreciate what I do. Meaning, it probably can’t just be a lack of negative feelings towards my writing but an appreciation of it because it’s such a big part of who I am. I will probably not blog about dating my whole life but I will most probably continue writing about life my whole life (I hope!). I don’t think this will be a temporary thing so really, if a guy cannot figure out what the hell I’m doing writing my thoughts and feelings here, I doubt it could work with him (though, of course, who knows).

Does that answer the question? :)

Deena

Photo by Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com on flickr.

"Ribbit! I'm the cutest frog in the world."

I have recently been in touch with my beloved frog friend, Froug. (Come on, say it: frog friend Froug…) I continue to have a soft place in my heart for this adorable little amphibian.

Anyhoo, of late he thinks there is a key element missing from HaBitza. When I asked him what, he put it simply: Testosterone.

I hear. I function mainly on estrogen and it really does create a different effect. A bit more of a hormonal balance could do the site good.

So now I am wondering who could help contribute a man’s side to this whole ongoing dating discussion here. Any ideas? Feel free to write me with ideas of guys or if you are a guy and would like to contribute a guest post to HaBitza, email me and let me know what you imagine talking about.

Thanks!

Deena

Photo by faye4art on flickr.

Dating/relationships is without a doubt one of the hottest topics out there. People love talking about it. I often find that even if I’m having a hard time talking to someone about other topics, if I bring up the topic of dating, there is plenty to talk about.

My question is, though, what would compel you to read about it? So many people I meet tell me they can’t spend too much time reading about this topic because it’s emotionally difficult for them as it is; spending even more time reading about it is just painful. People also apologetically tell me they don’t read blogs.

I have no issue with either of these. I would never (I mean, almost never) want someone visiting my blog or reading my writing only because they felt pressured to in some way….

Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad. :)

Anyway, today I revisited one of the most popular posts I ever wrote. It was a guide to figuring out someone else’s religiosity using only one question. :)

So, humour is definitely one key. What else attracts you to click on and read something?

I wrote an opinion piece on Singles and Community which was published in the Jerusalem Post today under the title “The Big Fat Lie”.

First of all, in the name of all others who are horizontally challenged like myself, I have to state that the headline wasn’t mine!  In principle, I never use the words “big” and “fat” to describe anything negative…

I hope the article opens up the issue of more singles, later or no marriage, less children, to a much broader debate than “what are the singles doing wrong”.  I hope it will send out ripples into the broader community, and lead to more awareness that for the rewards community can bring people need to be brought into the circle, not segregated out because they are single, or elderly, or childless, or married…

As (almost!) always when I write something I become super-critical of it.  It’s important for me to stress that I feel the concept of “blame” is irrelevant, possibly even laughable (might make you feel better if someone is blaming you…).  I don’t feel marrieds or singles are to blame – I do feel it’s relevant to look for what has happened in society and community over recent decades to see what might have triggered the dynamic that has intensified over the years.  Over to the social historians on this one!

Look, the options are either to hear my deafening silence or hear my rant slash cry. And I figure maybe you have something to gain by understanding that it’s not always easy, life, and writing. And writing here.

I keep feeling like crap. I keep feeling really down on myself and honestly, like I shouldn’t be writing this blog. I know it’s BS but I keep thinking about all the mistakes I make in dating and I think of the guys I’ve left in my evil wake who are probably reading this blog, or thinking about me when it’s all over, saying to themselves, “Who does she think she is, writing a blog about dating?”

Why the heck do I do that to myself? I mean, I know myself. I know that I do my best, within my capabilities, to leave no victims. I actually think I do a pretty damn good job, considering the difficulty. That still doesn’t mean there are no victims. But that isn’t necessarily my fault. Yes, I might make mistakes but so often it’s just the situation. It’s the dating in and of itself that creates victims.

The dating world is harsh. You wish you didn’t have to put yourself into the big, wide unknown over and over and over again, but there isn’t really any other way. So you do what you have to do in order to reach your goal. The goal you know you may never reach.

I am not trying to ignore my responsibility. Believe me, I go crazy, trying to do the right thing, act the right way. But this world of dating means that you have to deal with all kinds of personalities and attitudes. They smash up against yours and you try your best to make it OK, to make it work, and then when it’s not going to work, you try to end it nicely. But you might be hurt or angry so within that emotional rollercoaster you’re lucky if you’re able to keep both of your psyches intact.

Times that by a hundred and you’ve got a very difficult situation.

In Raise your kids without raising your voice, Sarah Chana Radcliffe says that a negative experience has a way stronger effect on us than a positive one. So true. Say something nice, it feels nice. Say something mean, it feels terrible.

A date that doesn’t work out is a negative experience (who is it who said “it’s just a date”?). It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. No matter who said no, even if it was both of you, there is an ‘ouch’ factor in it. A sucky factor. It feels bad. And bad feelings feel very bad, especially repetitive ones.

Someone asked if my writing on HaBitza.com wasn’t becoming more depressing/depressed. Well, if this doesn’t prove him right… When he said that, I started fearing that I really am being too depressing. I want to help people, not depress them. But I can only write what’s in me. And today this is what’s in me. It probably won’t be the only time either.

Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City had it much easier than me. She was a ficticious character which means she was much neater than I am (neither I nor my life are neat). She only made mistakes when it fit in the storyline, was put together and really, for the most part, as far as I remember, quite perfect. (One of the things that annoys me most in Hollywood-style shows/movies is that when the characters have “flaws,” they only make them more loveable. Barf.) She probably never had writer’s block either. Yeah, whatever.

So, some disclaimers (probably more for myself than anyone else):

All I have to offer to the world is myself. Little ol’ me. If that ain’t good enough, that ain’t my problem! Take it up with my Creator. Meanwhile, I need to do what I need to do. And if I sometimes sound depressed? Well, don’t know if you noticed but this world of dating isn’t exactly a cup of tea!

Finally, I make mistakes in dating. Geez, shocker. Dating is so complex. Each time it’s different. Different issues will arise with different ways of dealing with them. I do my best considering my capabilities, talents, strengths and amount of energy. I’m sorry I can’t do more than that.

I’m sorry life is definitely not neat at all. I’m sorry I feel like Pig-Pen who leaves a cloud of dust behind himself everywhere he goes. I truly am sorry since the last thing I want is for anyone to be hurt. I also hate for anyone to think ill of me. But I need to forgive myself for being imperfect and forgive (or at least let go of) others who might not give me the benefit of the doubt.

Hi. My name is Deena and I’m human and I need to do what I know how to do. I hope I’ll make a difference in my life and maybe even in your life too.

From http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

P.S. Oh, Pig-Pen actually looks pretty content.

Pig-Pen is happy with who he is. :)

Some of you signed up to receive our blog posts to your email inbox. This is an easy way to keep up to date with HaBitza.com.

We were using feedburner but now wordpress has given us the option to use their own email subscription (widget, for those of you who know what that is). It turns out this one is much more aesthetic and easy to use, with more options for the subscriber. For example, you can decide how often to get emails.

Bekitzur, please sign up to the wordpress one. It is on the right hand side of the page and it says:

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Enter your email address and then click on the button that says: “Sign me up!”

We will soon remove the feedburner account so it’s important to sign up to the new one so you will continue receiving emails from us.

Thanks for signing up! We hope you’re enjoying HaBitza.com, the site for all your dating kibetzing needs! :)

OK.  It’s a fair cop.  You’ve got me bang to rights, guv.  Whatever.  British pseudo slang – I don’t think anyone actually talks that way, but you have to admit, it’s colourful.

For all those who did not understand my convoluted British humour in the “about” page, the expression  “graduating the Old Katamon Dating Academy” = married.  And I am.  Married, that is.  To Richard of Richard’s Cookies, for those who have met him.  Plus one daughter.   It’s a well-kept secret (although the ceremony was witnessed several years ago by quite a few people), but this is it.  I’ve been outed.

What married person in their right mind would want to write about the singles scene?  There are actually quite a lot of marrieds, those of us who remember perhaps too much, too clearly, who feel we need to close the circle somehow, make a difference.  Some marrieds do a lot of matchmaking.  Some organize singles events.  I write.  Kvetch.  Yent.  Pontificate.  Write beautiful prose and poetry.  Whatever you choose to call it.

The other important information you should know about me, gentle reader, is that I’m not in my right mind.  In fact, I wouldn’t know a right mind if it came up and socked me in the temporal lobes.  I think right minds are a health hazard.  Somewhat akin to conventional wisdom, which is usually rather, well, conventional.

Married people aren’t usually born that way.  I have never seen a newborn wearing a wedding ring.  Well, maybe there was this one strange kid… Many of us have memories, scars, and embarrassing photographs to prove that once we, too, were (ulp) single.

So I’m married, battle-scarred, definitely in my wrong mind, probably out of my wits, and extremely opinionated.  You have been warned…

Photo from Jeff Belmonte at flickr.

Yesterday I created a new page on HaBitza.com focused on online dating. I plan for it to grow over time and I have some plans regarding it. Of course the #1 resource I’ll mention there is HaBitza.com. :)

But seriously, we’re thinking it would be a good place to discuss the different online places one can go in order to try to meet their match and also give tips on how to maximize the dating experience online. Please check it out here and let us know what you would like to see on this new part of HaBitza.com.

There is also a first “daughter” page there where I went through the online dating profile giving tips on how to create an online profile that gives a real feel to people of who you are. Let me know if there is anything I should add!

It’s decent!  really it is!  just look up the definition of bifurcation:

Bi`fur`ca´tion:  n.  A forking, or division into two branches (from Websters online).

As you know, this blog was conceptualised by two very different people – Deena and myself – with two very different outlooks on life.  We share a belief that change is possible.  We have very different views on how change can come about.

Since I’m a homeopath (yeah, yeah, I’m plugging my day job, gotta make a living somehow…), anyone who knows anything about homeopathy knows that a lot of what we do is counterintuitive.   I believe that many solutions or improvements can be found through creative, counter-intuitive thinking.

Because of this orientation, looking back at my own experiences and talking to friends and acquaintances about theirs, I’ve come to believe that there is a need for a two-pronged approach (here we go with the bifurcation again…)

- there is a need for some kind agreed-upon code, to prevent misunderstandings or offence-givings or offence-takings that steal so much emotional energy in a situation that is already fraught.  We address that need in the rules – many of which people believe are innate, but the poor soul who hasn’t internalized them hasn’t a clue what’s going on.  Like the guy eating his sandwich in shul on Yom Kippur because he thought it was a feast day…

- there’s a need for more creativity in looking at the first call and first date.  This is the part I’d like to explain to you, the section we’ve decided to call Vera’s Dating Game, ‘cos only a truly warped mind could come up with this one. (sorry Deena…)

I’ve come to believe that traditional dating approaches often don’t help move people towards marriage.  Very often the conversation gets either too serious, or too superficial.  Both are a way of avoiding actually getting to know the other person.  Starting to get some idea of how they see life.  Starting to get a sense of whether you can relate to that.  Even starting to develop your own real in-jokes.  Think about it – which question is more intimate:  ”What do you like (or hate) about your job?”, or “When did you laugh out loud last, and what made you do it?”  Ask people around you, see their responses.  See who is letting you see a true ray of sunshine from their own personal world, and who is just trotting out a line, a speech, something in line with how they want you to see them.

While you’re at it – remember those situations when you misunderstood something another person said?  When you made a hasty judgment about somebody else’s motives and didn’t realize till it was too late to mend the breech?  It’s so easy in a first call to jump to conclusions.  She sounds apathetic?  But did you know she didn’t get to sleep till 4:00 a.m.?  He sounds judgmental?  But did you know he just got off the phone with his brother who is in trouble again and he always has to sort things out?  She sounds hysterical?  Did you know that…  When you let a first call go beyond making arrangements to meet, the way is open for all these gremlins to prejudice you and destroy possible relationships before they even start.

There’s more, of course, but I won’t write it all here, gotta keep something for future posts.

Are you willing to take up the challenge?  Do you dare to ask someone when they laughed out loud last, and why?  Do you dare answer? With a total stranger?

If you have the courage, try the Dating Game.  And keep us posted.

photo by Jeremy Burgin on flickr.com