HaBitza

You know the song by Meredith Brooks:

Whenever I tell people about myself, almost no matter what I say about myself, I have an inner voice that goes, “Wait one second! I don’t think that’s true.”

Basically, telling someone about yourself often feels like a lie, no matter what you say. Are you a bitch? Well no, not always. Are you a nice person? Well, yeah, except for yesterday when you screamed at the bus driver.

Are you responsible? Well yeah, on the outside. But are you responsible about your health? Maybe not so much.

Are you good with money? Are you smart? Are you happy? Are you religious? Are you calm? Stressed? Angry?

So that is the difficulty. We need to explain who we are but our descriptions fall short and feel like they lack. And that, I believe, is why so many people write a million opposites in their profiles. Things like: I like going out but also staying in. I know how to have fun but I also know when to be serious.

Because it is the most clichéd way to say: Stop judging me. Stop trying to understand me from one silly online profile.

Give me a freakin’ break. I’m no bitch. Well, maybe sometimes.

These have been some of the biggest turn-offs for me when reading people’s online dating profiles:

1. I am very good looking. (If you put a picture, let me decide for myself. If you didn’t, I’m feeling a tad suspicious.)
2. I am funny but also serious. (Are you also tall but short?)
3. I love going out but I also love staying in. (Opposites remind me of Sesame Street! I love Sesame Street. I also hate it. No I don’t.)
4. I’m done playing games. (I’ve never played games… Could you explain what games you’ve played exactly?)
5. I’m not like all the other idiots out there. (I think you just disproved that.)
6. I’m not writing anything about myself here. Words are overrated. This site sucks… And the rest you’ll have to find out when we meet! (“When”?!)
7. I am so impressive and wonderful. I’m also extremely modest. (Will you marry me?)
8. She should be beautiful… (And your very subjective opinion of beauty entails… what exactly? No, I don’t really want to know.)
9. She should be beautiful… On the inside and out. (Uh huh…)
10. I’m looking for a princess. (*barf*)
11. You’ve never met anyone like me. (Was that you helping me count my blessings?)

What would be in your list?

I’ve never used Shidduch Net. All I know is that it’s a dating site catering towards the religious/traditional community. Jdate is more general, catering to the Jewish (and now even non-Jewish) singles community.

Shidduch Net is free. Jdate is far from cheap.

And now both of these Jewish dating sites are implementing some changes to their sites. Curious what changes?

I had a glimmer of hope that Jdate would announce their new site. But now, Jdate is just tightening their grip of the members, allowing you to see less if you aren’t paying.

Shidduch Net, on the other hand, has updated their site in order to improve the user experience.

The fact that Jdate is very old fashioned, has major glitches and still charges so much, boggles the mind. I mean, OK fine. Charge what you want. But why do we continue to pay them?  Jdate is stuck in the olden days and we still love to give them our money. It’s unbelievable.

Read more of my Jdate rants here, here and here. (I still can’t believe that most of the guys who want to see my profile won’t be able to see the written part.)

Here is the message from Jdate about their changes:

Here is a compilation of the latest on dating and singlehood. Please email me stuff for next week’s Dating News. habitza@gmail.com

Tu B’Av events in Jerusalem

I wrote a guest post on The Big Felafel about the main events happening in Jerusalem for Tu B’Av, the Jewish holiday of love. (This year Tu B’Av starts on Sunday night, August 14.)

OKCupid’s new mobile app

While you’re at one of these Tu B’Av events, maybe you could use OKCupid‘s newly announced mobile app. It helps you find out if there are potential matches for you, in your vicinity, in real time.

Really cool or really creepy?

“Don’t get married, please.”

But, of course, whether or not you search for love at these events, just make sure not to actually tie the knot, OK?

Dr. Neil Warren, a Christian psychologist and founder of eHarmony.com has advised that of the 2 million couples who planned to get married this year [in the USA], “several hundred thousand…should reconsider, postpone their weddings, or not get married” at all. So true!

Read the full article in the Christian Post.

The most unmarried group of people

Well then, I guess that makes black women very lucky people. Seems they are the most unmarried group of people in America. (Full article here.)

Which is the most unmarried group of people in Israel or in the Jewish community, I wonder? (Maybe white Canadian-Israeli women in their 30s? :)

The (j)date from hell

Hmmm… Could it be that the most single group of people in the Jewish community is people using Jdate? :)

Ilana Angel writes in JewishJournal.com about her date from hell… through Jdate.

Thing is, although I am not one to laud the praises of Jdate, it’s hard for me to relate to her conclusion that Jdate is the devil. I’ve met some totally decent guys on the site. Not sure why this discrepancy exists.

TheJMom.com is launched in Israel

Maybe the problem is that Ilana should be asking her mom to help her find a date! Marketwire.com announced the imminent launching of TheJMom.com in Israel. This is the site where our moms try to set us up.

But if so many people are uncomfortable admitting they met their significant others on dating sites, how much more difficult will it be to say: “Our moms met on a dating site”???

Friends set up friends

Does friends setting us up seem more palatable? TheJMom reminds me of shoshvinim, the Israeli site where friends set up friends.

Double date online dating site

Or maybe, instead of trying to set your friends up, you could just go on their date with them! DuoDate is a site based on double dating.

Which means, that if people get really confused between these three sites, they could totally end up on a date with their mothers and their best friends. Or maybe they could end up left at home with their friends dating their mothers.

Awkward? Still better than Ilana’s date, I’m sure!

The end

I’m sure it’s now obvious what work you have set out for you this week:

Get your moms on thejmom, your friends on shoshvinim, help your black female friends find love, talk to an Israeli (or Anglo, depending who you are) and, whatever you do, don’t get married. Oh, and, of course, go to a Tu B’Av event Sunday night (or Monday) and let me know how it goes. (Maybe if you’re nice I’ll tell you which event I went to.)

Have a wonderful week!

Deena

Trying to pronounce that? It is from the English word lite, pronounced in Hebrew – לייט – and then rewritten in English with the Israeli accent and in plural… in Hebrew. Got it?

Whatever. Point is, it is the new dating site for Israelis who are datlash (dati leshe’avar – formerly religious) and dati lite (lightly religious).

Well, I’m very excited about it. I find I am constantly struggling with the fact that my religiosity is neither here nor there. I go out with secular people and I feel like I frummy and I go out with religious people and I feel like an apikores.

Now, people like me, have one place where we can meet each other.

Also, in the short amount of time I’ve been using the site (it hasn’t been around for longer than a couple of months), I must say I am enjoying the simplicity of it. I guess at some point this could be annoying, but right now I love that there are no bells and whistles. You go, you look at profiles if you want, you write people, they write you… The questionnaire you answer when filling out your profile is simple and there is one space where you can write a bit about yourself.

And that’s it.

And it’s free.

Are you going to try it?

P.S. Here are videos they made. They went to Bar Ilan and Tel Aviv University and asked people about who they’re willing to date, religiously. Just so you know, one of the guys interviewed in Tel Aviv was very upset at how they did the editing. He told me he said he’d be happy to date a religious girl and they cut that out of the video.

Someone found my site yesterday after searching the words “how to use jdate.”

My first reaction when I saw this was that I should write a user’s manual for the Jdate user. My second reaction? “God, I wouldn’t know where to start!”

I guess rule number one would be:

Use as little as possible

Jdate is so quirky and expensive that I use it as little as possible.

Look, I cannot deny that Jdate offers the most important thing. Namely, a huge database of single Jews. But at the same time their site is based off technology that is so painfully outdated and buggy that it’s shameful. I mean, if the site were free, I couldn’t call it shameful. But for 129NIS/month?! The site has quirks that go beyond fair considering it’s a paid service.

Jdate is not compatible with Chrome and I doubt it’s truly compatible with any newer browser (should we all be using Internet Explorer 6, dear Jdate?). The chat is so wonky that almost any chat I have with members begins with, “Oh, one second. I can’t see anything. Wait…. Oh, did you write something? Ah! Was that a smiley? Ugh. Jdate chat sucks.” “Yeah, I hate it too.”

(Does make me wonder how much of it is that we love to hate it :)

Get ready for a joy ride when you use the Jdate chat

When I chat on Jdate in Chrome in Hebrew (I am not sure which browsers have this itty bitty tiny, inconsequential quirk), the conversation is shown backwards. I bolded that in case you wouldn’t believe me if it was in regular font.

Yes, the words show in backwards order. I know, that’s better than if all letters were backwards but, needless to say, this is quite the ridiculous experience.

Ah, you need an example? OK fine, here you go:

So, I write:

שלום. שמי דינה. מה שלומך?

What I see after I click enter is:

שלומך מה דינה שמי שלום.

It could drive the most patient of women crazy (and I am not one of those patient women!).

Have both .co.il and .com open simultaneously

Don’t forget that when you’re logged into the Israeli version, you can’t read the free text sections of people’s profiles who are using the .com version. And yes, visa versa.

You can read my post about this issue here. Interestingly, they seem to consider this a totally legitimate quirk for a service that costs 129NIS(!) a month. (No, if I ever pay you, it will not be for more than a month at a time so I don’t care about your cheaper prices if I pay you for three or six months.)

What most infuriates me about this huge bug is that they seem to think it totally fine not to actually mention this problem in any noticeable spot. This fact infuriates me more than anything else about this problem. It is probably this in itself that makes me feel like it’s almost my duty to spell out their quirks for them. If they at least openly acknowledged the issues they have with their site and if, ideally, they admitted the need to look into upgrading their site, I would at least be able to respect that and possibly even give them my money a little more often.

Think about it… I have put a lot of effort into my profile and yet, since I signed up through the .com site, so many Israeli guys probably see my profile and just move on because they see me as not serious, as someone who couldn’t even take the time to fill out her profile.

The fact they let us use their site for years without a word about it in a prominant place (I don’t know if it’s mentioned anywhere in the “small print” of the site)… That they’ve never tried to at least have a message show when you’re viewing a profile from one site while logged into another site… The fact they haven’t come up with any solution for this in all this time (I wonder how long this problem has existed and have they given it any thought?)… Unless I hear something other than what I know already, it actually seems very sneaky, to try to get away with such a huge bug in a paid service.

Mute your computer

The chat sounds on Jdate are to die for. Nuff said.

Use it anyway

That’s the crazy part, ay? We still will use it. We all complain about it but we keep using it. Because with such a huge database of Jewish singles, nothing else can compete.

That is why I always push two things:

1. Jewish singles should use OKCupid more and

2. Jdate should shape up and get a freakin’ new site. (I happen to know a great web development company, hint hint hint.) :)

Some other tips for Jdate usage

1. If you want to use it without paying, keep it open and paid members will be able to start a chat with you. If someone tickles your fancy during a chat, make sure to get their email addresses before ending the chat so you can get back in touch with them without having to pay.

2. In general, the more you leave the site open on your computer, the more messages you’ll receive.

3. Really – have both .com and .co.il sites open if you’re using the site in Israel. If it looks like someone wrote nothing in their profile, consider the possibility that you’re viewing it through the “wrong” site.

4. Buy all the extra things they want to sell you! :)

What’s next?

You know, the last time I blogged about the terrible problems with their site, I immediately got a reply from one of their reps. I wonder what they’ll have to say this time. Maybe they’ll tell me they’ve begun development on a new site????

Anyway, considering the status quo of Jdate, what else would you recommend keeping in mind while using the site?

P.S. Haha. Just to prove how active Jdate users are (and how many there are), I opened up the site while writing this post in order to check something out (you know, pure research) and I received two new messages during that short time. See why people use it?!

P.P.S. Don’t actually turn off the sound or else you’ll never hear if someone is trying to start a chat with you.

Image by Allison Joy on flickr.

I just wrote a post about my preference for online dating as opposed to traditional matchmaking dating. Here is a poll I put up quite a while ago asking you how you felt about online dating. Feel free to vote if you haven’t yet!

Many months ago I figured out the true art of online dating and I’ve never looked back… Well, until now.

I did it all these months and enjoyed many aspects of it. But now I’m looking into the conventional thing again.

Why is online dating about as good as it gets? And why am I now looking back?

You can actually get dates

I have had people ask me in wonderment how I find guys to date while so many others seem to go months, or even years, without an offer.

Ah, but that’s the whole point. With online dating, if done right, you don’t have to wait around for an offer. You answer replies from guys and, at the same time, you can send messages to whoever tickles your fancy. That, and the fact that there is such a large pool of people, means there is a huge amount of potential and so you can often get yourself dates with nice people.

You have control

With online dating you have the control to find a date and you also have the control when it comes to deciding who you go out with and who not. You see a picture, read a profile, talk on the phone and then you decide whether or not you want to meet.

By the time I meet a guy from the internet, I have some kind of general feel about him. I may not know his background. I may not have anyone who can vouch for him. And I know those are important things. But I have a certain feel. I have enough of an attraction that I am curious to meet him in person. My attraction stems from the bits of information I’ve picked up about him and the beauty is that I have found that it works.

Except, has it? Yes, I still stand by my experience of pleasant and hopeful online dating but recently I started wondering… I’ve been on many pleasant dates with guys I met online. But considering I still have not met the right person, maybe there is something that isn’t working. Of course there could be many reasons I didn’t meet the right guy yet but even so, maybe it’s time to look elsewhere as well.

So, back to old-fashioned shidduch dating?

Yes, I made the not-so-simple decision to try the old-fashioned way (at least once – no promises for more than that, to be sure!) and I must tell you that after doing online dating, it is painful going back!

The stark contract between controlling your online dating experience to flailing with traditional shidduch dating… Suddenly having to rely on a third party. Suddenly having to meet someone without having seen a picture, read a profile, chatted with them online… Suddenly having a much larger commitment to the guy and – my oh my – to a matchmaker too!

I honestly feel like, although I may have heard a list of things about the guy and his family, that I know nothing about him. It is an extremely disconcerting feeling following online dating. It is taking me so much further out of my comfort zone than online dating does and that is considering that any and all dating takes me well outside of my comfort zone.

And yet, I’ve decided to give it a try. I have decided to make myself uncomfortable. I’m almost curious what will happen after all this time of keeping away from shidduch dating. And since I’m quite sure I have the strength to do it, I have decided I’ll push myself and do it. At least once.

Also, even if I feel like I know nothing about the guy, I know that in fact, there are things I know more about and things I know less about than if it were an online thing. So, I am trying to appreciate the things I do know that I couldn’t know if this were done online.

Although one cannot know what is promising and what is not when it comes to dating, I feel that this is a legitimate attempt for me to make at this point in time.

So there you go.

That damn cup of coffee

In case this post didn’t make it clear, I’d like to remind all of you who don’t yet understand:

It is not just a cup of coffee.

It is our emotions. It is our emotional health. It is our hopes. It is our shattered hopes. It is our two minutes of agony while we stand at the street corner wondering who our date is.

And now as I return to traditional matchmaker dating, I wonder if actually, this type of dating even more so brings out these emotionally-charged sides of our search for love.

So, might you admit that it really has very little to do with a cup or a coffee? I really do hope so.

P.S. I’d like to be clear that this is not a post against shidduch dating nor against matchmakers. Just like there are all kinds of people, there are all kinds of matchmakers. I, of course, am sure to benefit from the services of a responsible matchmaker whose hard work I greatly appreciate, as difficult as this whole thing is for me. I happen to know it’s far from a piece of cake for her too.

When would you change your status from “single” to “in a relationship” on Facebook?

My personal preference – when I’m ever lucky enough to have this dilemma – is to keep my status as “single” until the very very (very) lucky guy and I feel relatively serious about each other.

One rooftop option for announcements

The fact is that the beginning of any relationship is precarious. (Beginning being anywhere from a few days to a few months, I suppose… and sometimes maybe even longer?) Really both of you barely know each other. Every day is a renewed test of your compatibility. There is no commitment and even if the couple is communicative, it is still only the beginning of learning how each person works.

This private and delicate process can be pretty scary because the fact is that one day things could be wonderful and hopeful and the next day some great relationship tragedy could occur. Is it really necessary to involve all of yours and your partner’s Facebook friends in that roller coaster ride?

Still I admit that with all that begin said, at times I have gotten a strong urge to shout out my news to the world. But maybe that could be part of the beauty: to have a secret from the world, share it only with your nearest and dearest, and hope that the time will soon come when it is appropriate to climb onto the nearest rooftop and make the announcement. Whatever happens, that is better than making a premature announcement.

As Tevia says in Fiddler on the Roof: Good news will stay. Bad news will refuse to leave.

So there you go.

And in case you’re wondering, today’s nearest rooftop is at facebook.com. (Don’t forget your fiddle!)

Photo by Jennifer Juniper mom on flickr.

I’m available again. And with evening here and too much time to think, I’ve reopened jdate in one of my Chrome tabs. I’m flipping through the list of men who have viewed my profile in the last while. And then I scroll through the results of guys from a half-ass search I did.

And then I think about one of the guys whose profile I recently read. He wrote something like this:

I admit I’m addicted to this site. Being able to skim through all these girls’ profiles, most of them attractive…

I don’t think I’ll ever understand him. Where’s the pleasure? Looking at people on your screen who are composed of 2D pictures and a few sentences?

Yuck.

I use online dating a ton. I find it the best way to date for me. But I don’t like it. I am far from addicted to it. It is a means to an end.

Someone else wrote in his profile that the dating process sucks.

Now that I can relate to. We’re not here for the coffee. That cup of coffee some of you think isn’t a big deal? Well, we aren’t here for that coffee so it’s not a selling point.

We’re here to find that special person to be with. And until then, we’ll keep coming back. Because it’s a great tool. Period.

Photo by CarbonNYC on flickr.