I also tend to believe that singles events should not be just for singles! It creates such awkwardness. If an event is cool and nice, why can’t other people come? It’s a big challenge to plan an event that isn’t focused on being single and isn’t even only for singles, but somehow still facilitate new people meeting but I believe that should be the goal.

Anyway, don’t you think that it should be easier for people to meet if there are married/coupled people there too? People that maybe want to help singles meet but also just want to be there for the event itself.

As I’m writing this, I feel like such a think tank – thinking and writing away but not actually trying to implement this myself. So I just want to mention that I fully appreciate the huge effort and amount of hard work that goes into planning an event, especially a single event. But at the same time, I hear so many complaints about singles events so obviously something has to change.

I’d like this to be a discussion because it’s a way for people who are planning events for singles to get more of a window into what we’re thinking and what we need and want.

So please, write here, what do you think could be the “dream singles event”? Or, the dream event where singles might meet…

Tell us what you think!

She is not being condescending. She talks about it and you can see that she is not looking down on singles but she sees there is a problem and wants to help.

And yet, it’s like pulling teeth trying to get people to bite her bait. She spends long phone conversations with people talking to them about the events she’s planning. And meanwhile, for all her good intentions, not to her face of course (or other people who are trying to help singles), the singles are hemming and hawing and complaining about singles events and “professionals” who are trying to help us.

It’s a really interesting thing, isn’t it?

I was just watching Pollyanna (so kill me) and Polly’s aunt forces her to go around town giving out charity – jars of jammed calf foot. Yum!

She is having the hardest time because people are angry with her for giving them something for free. She walks away from one old man she had given a jar to and says to the woman she’s with, “People really hate getting charity.”

Watch from 4:45 (is the sound totally off for you too?)

People don’t like being charity cases. People don’t like having people focus on what’s wrong with them. We really prefer if people don’t notice there is anything wrong with us at all. At the same time we’re hyper-conscious of what is “wrong” with us and we’re sure everyone else is focusing on that “wrong” thing too.

In our society being single is a big problem because we are instilled with the idea that as long as we haven’t succeeded in getting ourselves hooked, we don’t have concrete proof that we’re “OK.” So any help that comes our way can feel like the person helping is saying, “You’re screwed up so let me try to help unscrew you.”

This is such a delicate situation but we can use some help. So the question is, what help do we need and how should it be supplied?

What is the recipe for helping a group like singles who want to get married in the most positive way possible? I’ll start by giving #1:

1) Only help if you can honestly show that you have utmost respect for the people you’re trying to help.

What is it that really pushed you to start Supertova? What’s motivating you?

Justin Corsa, founder of SuperTova.com

Justin: I had the site developed mainly to create an easy platform for Jews to communicate with each other, exclusively for dating. It’s 100% free for the purpose of “growing and preserving our Jewish nation.” As we all know, there is a struggle within the Diaspora and we, as a people, must overcome it. This is just one step.

In what way is  Supertova different from other Jewish dating sites out there?

Justin: Most Jewish dating and matchmaking require membership fees. The main difference is that mine requires absolutely none.

Why did you choose to make SuperTova free?

Justin: I made it 100% free in order to gain numbers, as well as give other Jews, whom are members of paying sites (sites that cater to Jews and non-Jews) incentive to use this one, where they will meet and date people who are Jewish. Why would they pay to use a non-Jewish dating site when they can use a Jewish dating site 100% free? Once they realize they have a choice, they may elect to use mine.

Who do you see as Supertova’s target audience?

Justin: My target audience is anyone who is single, Jewish, and not affiliated with messianics.

Is there a team behind the scenes? Are you always working on improving the site? Are there new changes we can look forward to seeing in the near future?

Justin: I have a small IT team consisting of a programmer and developer. I also have a very close friend who does admin work when I’m unavailable. The site is continually being developed with new features. Most of the things you will see in the future is site simplicity developments. Im always looking to make it more simplified and user-friendly.

What problem is SuperTova aiming to solve?

Justin: The main problem in the Jewish community is just the simple fact that our numbers are small and dispersed. I had supertova created in order to bring them into one meeting place. If I succeed in my project, it will bring hundreds of thousands of Jews together for marriage.

I am wondering if you can expand on what pushed you, personally, to go ahead and do this site.

Justin: I was bar mitzvah late in my life while i was in college via Chabad Lubavich (tallhassee, FL, Rabbi Oierchman). They were available when i needed spiritual help. I was a child of an inter-faith household, no bar mitzvah, and no prior Jewish education. My big push is to ensure nobody has a similar lifestyle. I was raised celebrating x-mas and no longer take part. My mother is Jewish; her mother; her mother’s mother, etc. I respect my parents and honor them greatly but i do believe if i was not strong willed, i would’ve been another lost Jew in the diaspora.

There are many variables that lead me to my quest; one of which is the aggravation, anti-Semitism, physical and spiritual torture our ancestors were forced to endure in the past. They kept their will and did what it took to ensure their children and grandchildren will keep Torah and live their lives as Jews. I foresee inter-marriage as a threat to the foundation of Judaism. We’re currently losing the war in the diaspora and I want to do all in my power to make a difference. I feel very strongly about my Jewish heritage and I, not only want to see my grandchildren remain Jews, but also our Jewish brothers and sisters as well. We owe it to G-d; and we owe it to our ancestors. I honestly feel that education and creative strategy could overcome this problem.

I’ve never lived within a Jewish community, so my experience is minimal. Growing up in GA, i witnessed verbal anti-Semitism on a daily basis. Most did not know I was Jewish, as my last name is not Jewish. As a child, i would hear their thoughts about the Jews from adults and their children. It would make me incredibly angry to know that Jews were not liked, no matter what; and for no apparent reason. During WW2 study in middle school, i remember the children laughing during the holocaust documentaries, hailing to hitler during his appearance, and the teachers ignoring these acts of immaturity and hatred. I have first hand knowledge of this. I constantly had outbursts of rage to defend myself and my Jewish heritage.

The Jewish experience that i received was when i spent time with my grandmother who comes from Austria. She spoke fluent Yiddish. I was very close with my grandfather and they represent the Jews very well. Very well mannered with a passion for their Jewish identity. When I think of Jews, i think of them; and think of the struggle we undergo, in the past, present, and future.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Justin: In my opinion, Judaism is way too important to put a price tag on the souls of our future youth. I’m doing this for free; and it will always be free because the future of our people means way too much for me. It’s priceless. My commitment to the Jewish people is unbreakable.

Thank you, Justin! Good luck. I hope your goals are met and your site is a success.

You can check out SuperTova at http://www.supertova.com.

Recently someone did just that. She thought of someone for me. She’d spoken to him on the phone and he sounded pretty cool, sweet… But after telling me a bit about him, she immediately offered to meet him before setting him up with me. And immediately after meeting him she got back to me and said that she’d saved me a date and told me why (the why doesn’t matter here).

Granted, basically having someone else go on a first date for you can make you feel a little like you’re losing control. Thoughts like, “Yeah, but maybe that wouldn’t have been a problem for me,” creep in. But the main thoughts are, “Thank God I got to go on one less date.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with most of the guys I’ve ever gone out with. It’s more the emotional roller coaster inside of me that I must endure. And if I can endure it one time less, that is very good for me.

I told this woman that her meeting the guy for me or for any other girl is a huge chessed (act of kindness). She is really taking action and responsibility in her attempt to help singles find the “one” to marry.

Kudos to her.

“Yeah, well, the interesting thing is that me and my husband – and we’re madly in love, can’t you tell – met through a totally random shidduch. We don’t even know why we said yes but boy are we happy because, yes, we’re madly in love. So seriously, you may as well just go on this date I’m offering you, even though I have no concrete reason to be matching you up. Just say yes!”

This is a confusing statement because it includes supposed logic followed by guilt if one doesn’t follow the logic and fear of missing out on a good opportunity.

Look, every story exists. Couples have met in every possible scenario. If we were to feel compelled to try every avenue in order to keep our options open, we’d totally wear ourselves out. To feel pressure to try something just because someone happened to meet that way, makes no sense. Of course we don’t know how we’re going to meet our besherts but no reason to kill ourselves trying, I believe.

These elephants have absolutely nothing to do with this article.

Call me fluffy but actually, there are quite a few stories I’ve heard of two people who supposedly really “shouldn’t” have met. Maybe the age range was totally off or the religious levels didn’t fit… But fate had it that they met anyway. And not because both were willing to throw themselves to the wolves every Monday and Thursday (as the Yiddish saying goes).

Yes, we have to do our part (which for most probably doesn’t including going on just any random date) and, if God wants us to meet someone who doesn’t fit exactly into what we’re capable of doing, well, He’s going to have to make it happen.

Ah! This picture DOES have to do with the article! Good thing.

Bottom line: I think the worst is to give into pressures. Just because bungee jumping created a revelation for someone else, doesn’t mean it’s what I need to do.

If I decide to do something, it should be because I decided to do it. If I’m feeling pressured to do something, I try to stop in place and contemplate how I really feel about it. Do I really think it’s a bad idea or maybe I really do want to do it? But in the end, I try to do it because I want to do it, not only because I was pressured into doing it. It doesn’t mean you can’t push yourself beyond your comfort zone, go out or your way, etc., but you need to decide that that is what you want and not just be pushed along with the current.

Shabbat shalom!

Elephant photo by al_green on flickr.

Bungee photo by ctsnow on flickr.

The mini-crush would be defined as some level of more-than-just-friend feelings one person feels towards another. These feelings are not necessarily strong enough to take over a person’s life. They are also weak enough that the person is not sure if it’s a “real” crush and if it’s worth doing anything about it. Of course people hesitate taking action based on these not-so-strong feelings because there is always fear of being rejected and awkwardness if it doesn’t work out. Because of this, a lot of mini-crushes can continue for a long, long time.

And so, based on my theory, there are probably all these little potential sparks hidden in the community.

"I'd be willing to date any of the women in this room!"

I had an idea. (An idea I’m scared to actually try.) What if everyone from a specific group of friends got together. It has to be a group where everyone basically knows each other (even if on a very shallow level). Each person writes on a piece of paper the names of every person in the room they’d be willing to go out with on a date. People can write more than one person.

Then, a third party looks at all of the pieces of paper. Wherever both sides said they’d want a date, they are told they matched up. If only one side wrote someone’s name down, the other side will never know.

There are some difficult logistics regarding this idea but the outcomes are potentially amazing. First, if you have an incessant crush on someone, if they don’t write your name, you finally know for sure that at least right now, it is not mutual. So you can move on.

It also gives people the opportunity to actually date people they are already friendly with which could be so much more comforting than a blind date.

Finally, and most obviously, it allows people to connect more. And, considering that our communities are important to us but getting married is a top priority, it helps set the priorities straight.

A few people have told me they think it’s a good idea. These people have told me they’d have at least one person to write on their piece of paper… So… should we do it? Eek!

Photo by @boetter on flickr.

It’s true that to a certain extent, when you go to a shadchan, you might feel like you can be really specific about what you’re looking for, and the shadchan can go to work, looking for someone with the right waist size and eye colour for you, according to your custom order.

"Look! No training wheels!"

I wonder… What would happen if the matchmakers and websites went on strike for a month and people were forced to look at the people in front of them a little more seriously… Are there potential matches not being actualized because it’s easier to go online or call a matchmaker? (Or pretend to be connecting with people on facebook?)

It reminds me of a really important quote I read yesterday. Malcolm Gladwell is quoted in this article as saying:

If social media or online communication is the means to the creation of a personal connection, it’s a fabulous thing. But if it’s an excuse to not make a connection, it’s ultimately a trivial thing.

This is the same with any tools we’re using to try to connect to others. We need to look at the current tools at hand and figure out where they are truly helping us connect with people the way we want to. And where they aren’t, we need to try to wean ourselves off of them.

P.S. Please let me know what you think about this. Today there was a problem with comments on at least one of my blog posts. I hope to fix the problem soon and I hope it doesn’t exist on this post!

Photo by aka Kath on flickr.

Call out to matchmakers

You must must must take your responsibility seriously. If you really don’t think you have strength or the capabilities to really look into people and really seriously consider who might be good for who, don’t do matchmaking! I’m serious! Why do you have to do it if you aren’t really up to it or into it?

If you’re doing the online matchmaking thing, make sure it doesn’t just become like an online card game. Remember that each profile is a real person!

And if you aren’t sure about two people, maybe run it by one or both of the people, communicate the thoughts behind your hesitation and the thoughts behind your considering them a potential match. This is very serious stuff and it’s so important to try to prevent nightmare dates or any unnecessary dates. What’s an unnecessary date? I suppose one that really could have been avoided if more communication had happened ahead of time.

Online matchmakers (like from Saw you at Sinai and Jretromatch), be available! Answer people’s emails. Remember we’re talking about a sensitive topic! Again, if you don’t think you can do it, better not to than to ignore people’s emails. The fact most/all of you are doing this for free is a whole other issue. Maybe this shouldn’t be a free service. Or maybe, whether it’s for pay or for free, not just anyone should be able to become a “matchmaker.”

Call out to singles

It’s so legitimate to be upset at a matchmaker who withholds important information. Let yourself feel angry and tell the matchmaker you are very hurt by what happened! It is your responsibility to give feedback. Otherwise, how is anything ever going to improve? And I don’t care what you say, you do have a responsibility towards other singles. If you don’t give feedback, there is a higher chance of someone else going through the same nightmare you went through.

So much in life we can’t control. But there is so much that we can control. You have way more control than you might admit. Just because you’re single, does not mean you have to go out with anyone offered to you. Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you have to say yes.

Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you have no idea what you need and want. It doesn’t mean your needs and wants should be ignored. Doesn’t mean you have to rely on others to decide what shidduching (matches) are appropriate for you. You can say no. You can say yes. You can say you need time to think. You can ask questions about the person, about how the matchmaker knows the person and how well. You can ask whatever you want and you can still say no.

You don’t have to go back to the same matchmaker if they do something very hurtful or irresponsible or if you just don’t feel like they are really getting you. You need to feel like you can trust your matchmaker.

You can be honest with yourself and decide which qualities are important to you in a partner. You can express that to others, if you so choose.

You are allowed, and should, be private about your life. You can plead the fifth whenever you please even if someone is trying to help and wants to set you up. If someone asks you what you’re looking for and you feel it is too private a question to divulge to that specific individual, you can choose not to answer them.

These are not only your rights but also your necessity. You must save your energy. You must make sure to help yourself stay (or become) a healthy person.

To both

If people take responsibility where possible, I believe a large percentage of the pain currently involved in the dating world can be eliminated. Don’t you think?

To be clear, when he says, “Get high with a little help from my friends,” he means altitude, like climbing a mountain or a large staircase.

In my (very impressive) quote in the Jerusalem Post this past weekend, I said that I think that what’s going on with people not getting married even though they (supposedly) want to, should be categorized as a problem. There is pretty much always taboo around weaknesses and that taboo creates a situation where things aren’t being discussed and if things aren’t being discussed, then solutions cannot be found.

I think another symptom of the taboo around the singles problem (there, I said it) is that people don’t ask for help. I believe the easiest kinds of shidduchs (matches) are probably matches made through friends. Easiest meaning, least painful, most smooth. Just a theory but it makes sense.

Someone just told me that suddenly one day he realized that just because his friends care about him and just because they know a million girls, doesn’t mean they’ll think of setting him up with anyone. And so he started asking individual friends if they had anyone for him.

Smart smart smart. But I think that one of the keys here is not to ask just anyone. It’s best to ask, as he said, people you really like and who you believe will be able to market you well. And I’d say, people whose opinions you trust. Doesn’t make anything full-proof but it definitely helps!

I’m curious, who has now read this post and is going to ask at least one friend if they can keep them in mind for a shidduch?