HaBitza

Many months ago I figured out the true art of online dating and I’ve never looked back… Well, until now.

I did it all these months and enjoyed many aspects of it. But now I’m looking into the conventional thing again.

Why is online dating about as good as it gets? And why am I now looking back?

You can actually get dates

I have had people ask me in wonderment how I find guys to date while so many others seem to go months, or even years, without an offer.

Ah, but that’s the whole point. With online dating, if done right, you don’t have to wait around for an offer. You answer replies from guys and, at the same time, you can send messages to whoever tickles your fancy. That, and the fact that there is such a large pool of people, means there is a huge amount of potential and so you can often get yourself dates with nice people.

You have control

With online dating you have the control to find a date and you also have the control when it comes to deciding who you go out with and who not. You see a picture, read a profile, talk on the phone and then you decide whether or not you want to meet.

By the time I meet a guy from the internet, I have some kind of general feel about him. I may not know his background. I may not have anyone who can vouch for him. And I know those are important things. But I have a certain feel. I have enough of an attraction that I am curious to meet him in person. My attraction stems from the bits of information I’ve picked up about him and the beauty is that I have found that it works.

Except, has it? Yes, I still stand by my experience of pleasant and hopeful online dating but recently I started wondering… I’ve been on many pleasant dates with guys I met online. But considering I still have not met the right person, maybe there is something that isn’t working. Of course there could be many reasons I didn’t meet the right guy yet but even so, maybe it’s time to look elsewhere as well.

So, back to old-fashioned shidduch dating?

Yes, I made the not-so-simple decision to try the old-fashioned way (at least once – no promises for more than that, to be sure!) and I must tell you that after doing online dating, it is painful going back!

The stark contract between controlling your online dating experience to flailing with traditional shidduch dating… Suddenly having to rely on a third party. Suddenly having to meet someone without having seen a picture, read a profile, chatted with them online… Suddenly having a much larger commitment to the guy and – my oh my – to a matchmaker too!

I honestly feel like, although I may have heard a list of things about the guy and his family, that I know nothing about him. It is an extremely disconcerting feeling following online dating. It is taking me so much further out of my comfort zone than online dating does and that is considering that any and all dating takes me well outside of my comfort zone.

And yet, I’ve decided to give it a try. I have decided to make myself uncomfortable. I’m almost curious what will happen after all this time of keeping away from shidduch dating. And since I’m quite sure I have the strength to do it, I have decided I’ll push myself and do it. At least once.

Also, even if I feel like I know nothing about the guy, I know that in fact, there are things I know more about and things I know less about than if it were an online thing. So, I am trying to appreciate the things I do know that I couldn’t know if this were done online.

Although one cannot know what is promising and what is not when it comes to dating, I feel that this is a legitimate attempt for me to make at this point in time.

So there you go.

That damn cup of coffee

In case this post didn’t make it clear, I’d like to remind all of you who don’t yet understand:

It is not just a cup of coffee.

It is our emotions. It is our emotional health. It is our hopes. It is our shattered hopes. It is our two minutes of agony while we stand at the street corner wondering who our date is.

And now as I return to traditional matchmaker dating, I wonder if actually, this type of dating even more so brings out these emotionally-charged sides of our search for love.

So, might you admit that it really has very little to do with a cup or a coffee? I really do hope so.

P.S. I’d like to be clear that this is not a post against shidduch dating nor against matchmakers. Just like there are all kinds of people, there are all kinds of matchmakers. I, of course, am sure to benefit from the services of a responsible matchmaker whose hard work I greatly appreciate, as difficult as this whole thing is for me. I happen to know it’s far from a piece of cake for her too.

I went to a networking event this week. Actually it was called for 8:30am which, in my opinion, was part of the charm. How much fun is it to have a full on party at breakfast time?!

But besides that, I didn’t feel like a loser. How awesome is that? I suppose that’s because I’m not a loser. I suppose that’s also because I arrived at the end of the event in my yoga attire including a yoga mat on my back. All in all I just felt like a cool dudette. I know, though, that it’s much harder to feel like a cool dudette at a singles event.

Singles and networking events are similar in that they have a goal and the goal is similar – to meet people. But yet there is such a different feel, it’s amazing. Granted, some of the differences are in me.

But here are the things you get at a networking event that make it different than a singles event:

* There are both married and single people there. This makes it a much more natural setting.

* You are supposed to ask, “What do you do?” and so you basically know how to start a conversation with anyone in the room and no one will think you’re lame for asking this question that some might consider unoriginal when trying to meet someone to date.

* There are all levels of religiosity, all types of people and all ages. (Well sort of.) It’s very nice to not be in a homogeneous setting. At singles events, actually the goal is to be as homogeneous as possible (narrow age range – geez, to have an age range at all at an event! – similar religious levels…).

* Not quite as nerve-wracking. Yeah, you might be looking for a business partner but it just doesn’t seem as intense as looking for a partner for life.

The other day someone was telling me about a certain place where he would not want to go on a first date because he wouldn’t want to have to say, “We met the first time in ____.”

Once he told me which place he was referring to, I could see the problem. But in general, in my books, wherever you meet your beshert is wonderfully romantic. Either way, if I got to choose, I’d rather meet my beshert at a networking event than at a singles one.

Could singles events ever be more networky and less singly?

I normally passionately avoid singles events but just attended one anyway (because it was a classical music event). Here is a play by play of my single event-going experience*:

1. Deciding to go: I debate going though I know I probably won’t meet my beshert there. I also consider the fact that these events usually bring up the “I am nebach” feeling. Is this a good idea?
   

   Single event goers, even Dolly's hat, I'd take off for you.

2. Leading up: I RSVP yes and then proceed to question my decision any time I think about it. Mainly I try not to think about it. I receive email reminders (just when I was succeeding in not thinking) and have mixed feelings about the organizers and my feelings that I am their chesed case. Yuck.
3. The day of the event: I consider backing out (so what’s new?). I get ready to go. I am very nervous. Should I invest in how I look or maybe it’s better not to? More or less makeup? What messages do I want to (probably failingly) give through the clothes and make up I choose? I look in the mirror and leave the house. (I consider backing out, in case you couldn’t guess that.)
4. Arrival: I walk up to the event and start glancing in different directions. I feel overwhelmed. So many guys. So many girls. So many singles. A small dab of very married ladies are walking around. I meet a friend at the entrance and try to pretend this is just a regular music event but of course it doesn’t feel like that. The “We are all single” energy is poignant. The “Lets get you guys married already (nebach),” energy is just as poignant. Or maybe I’m just imagining it?
5. Enters Deena: I head into the lion’s den – walking straight into the room full of very single people (plus a few very married ladies). I can’t decide where to look. Straight ahead? Around at the people? I am nervous of the commitment involved with making eye contact with someone (God forbid). But, I think to myself, would I be happier if I ended up speaking to no one of the opposite sex the whole evening? What if I just hung out with my friends the whole evening? Would that really matter?
6. Program: The musician begins. She is pretty, (and (very) single) and a very talented pianist. She entertains us well. I convince myself that maybe this is just like a “regular” event. But we all have name tags on and we all know the truth so, lost cause with that attempt…
7. Uh oh: After the music is over, my anxiety rises. Shoot. I know something is up because I’ve noticed that each person’s name tag has a small coloured sticker on it. That can’t be a good sign. Make a run for it?
8. Playing games: They split us up into two groups to play Taboo. I slip off to the side (of course).
9. Make a shidduch: One of the organizers (who I know) pulls me into the kitchen to tell me about one of the guys there who she’s thinking of introducing me to. I tell her that actually I’m not emotionally available right now. When I leave the kitchen I check him out anyway (for the dreaded scenario that I may one day need to go on another first date with another guy). Mental note about the guy: Cute. And: That’s about all I know.
10. Random convo: It just so happens that that same guy comes up to talk to me (while I’m avoiding Taboo). We have a thoroughly random conversation. He ducks away when my friend comes up to talk to me. Phew. (One less fish in the sea, I think.)
11. Women: I hang out with women the rest of the evening, which is lovely and fun. I play Scott Joplin on the piano. I leave soon after.
12. Sigh of relief.

It’s no simple task attending a singles event. Hats off to those of you who do it.

*Single event planners: This is a window into the experience of being on the other side. Please try not to take it personally.

Professional sea-splitter

If matchmaking is difficult for the Great Creator, how difficult must it be for us measly humans. And yet some brave souls take on the task of making matches.

That being said… There should probably be a way for matchmakers to track their success and according to the results, decide if they should continue in that field or find something (probably with less human emotion on the line) to do.

Please understand, I don’t only mean success regarding percentages of matches made. I also mean as far as the general sensitivity towards the clients and the shadchan’s ability not to scar them.

A truly adorable story

Someone just told me that when a guy didn’t want to go out with her again, their matchmaker was sure to tell her that it was because he wasn’t attracted to her. She felt it was important the girl know that it was “only” that and nothing else.

Thanks, dear Matchmaker. I feel so much better now. Phew!

That is one thing you don’t say.

Or did you not read the manual? No reason to give anyone negative feedback they can’t do anything productive with. And, we feel down on ourselves enough as it is. No reason to remind us that we’re meeting total strangers who also don’t find us attractive.

I know that the shadchanit supposedly had good intentions but good intentions get you only so far. If you don’t know the basic rule:

There is almost never a reason, ever, to tell someone that they weren’t attractive to their date,

then that is a pretty big red light, if you ask me.

Give the matchmaker a chance.

Of course matchmakers are people too and they deserve to be given more than one little chance. If said matchmaker is usually sensitive and does not normally emotionally scar her clients or, maybe even better, if the matchmaker is open to hearing feedback, takes it seriously, and tries to improve, then I wouldn’t make too big a deal out of it. But if it were to turn out that she is insensitive more than a couple of times, I say dump the matchmaker and express your opinion she find a less dangerous job.

I’ve never specifically endorsed any dating site in the past since for the most part they are all the same structure. Sign up, look at profiles, pay if you want to contact someone or if you want to read a message someone sent you (besides supertova which is free). And the build of the profiles is almost identical on all the conventional dating sites.

But I keep telling people about OKCupid because it is such a different online dating experience and so I feel it’s time for me to write about it here.

It’s free.

First of all, it’s free. Free free free. Did I mention that it’s free? Moving on…

You get matches that are appropriate for you.

No, it’s not a Jewish website (I did not mean to mention that right after the free thing!). But it is set up in a way that you can really have it geared towards who you are. In all the time I’ve been on (a few months), probably 99.9% of the guys who have contacted me have been Jews living in Israel. The site automatically sends you suggestions and there too mine are always Jewish men in Israel.

This is not the only reason I think that it doesn’t actually matter that it isn’t a Jewish site.

It’s *gasp* enjoyable to use.

Dating needs to be made as enjoyable as possible. This site is headed in that direction. There is actually something funky and fun about the site and when you visit it, you might actually feel a little funky and fun yourself. Even if it’s a dreaded dating site you’re visiting.

I honestly think it would be amazing if more religious people came on because the whole site seems to be more conducive to meeting interesting people than other sites. I know it’s possible that if you’re on the site long enough, there too you’ll feel like you’ve milked it for all its worth but it just seems to be different people than I’ve seen elsewhere online.

Higher quality

One of the main issues I have with jdate is that the majority of people on it in Israel don’t fill out their profiles. You’re lucky if there is a freakin’ photograph of this supposed potential match. And then these people who couldn’t even be bothered to tell you one thing about themselves contact you. Um, hello? It’s a big world out there. I need something to go on!

For some reason, most of the people on OKCupid have taken the time to fill out their profiles. It is possible that it is attracting totally different people than the other dating sites but my main theory regarding the amount of info up about the “average” (Jewish Israeli male) user is that the profile is way more fun to fill out.

Yup, it’s a pretty different style than what we’re used to. The questions are more creative and that seems to bring out a creative side in people. It asks you questions like: What are the six things you couldn’t live without? And: I’m really good at… And: What I’m doing with my life (instead of: I work in…). You’d be amazed how people answer questions that are worded differently.

Actually, reading people’s profiles can be an amusing past-time there! :)

The Google of online dating

OK, I’ve exuded enough enthusiasm but one more thing that is important to mention about OKCupid. It has been called the Google of online dating by the Boston Globe. This, I think, is because they are going all out figuring out algorithms for putting the “right” people together. They are taking the huge amount of information they are getting from the activity on the site and analysing it to understand what different kinds of people like, etc. They have a blog that is actually quite fascinating to read. Warning, it can be a little un-religious at times but if you’re up for it, I definitely recommend taking a look.

You can read about all the (very young!) people behind this enormous project on their about page. Wow they’re young!

Look, it’s new to me so maybe that is what makes it that much more exciting than the Jewish dating sites but I don’t think so. It is a very different experience for the better and tachles, I’ve met some interesting and nice people on the site, even if I have only gone out with a couple of them. I have found it to be a more quality experience than elsewhere.

And the minuses are:

I guess I’d say the minuses I have seen are that first of all of course you still must remember that people are people and not everyone is necessarily what they make themselves out to be. I went out with one guy from there who I was very excited about from his profile and then I felt like he was a totally different person in person. I was actually freaked out by that experience and shied away from OKCupid for a couple months after that. It almost felt like because the site is conducive to cool profiles it’s harder to tell when someone isn’t so cool.

Another negative would be that it is obviously missing some questions that might be important to religious Jews. The amazing thing is, though, that anyone can create quizzes on the site and someone could create one about religious issues which could totally become popular amongst religious people.

And one more negative (and this will probably be the biggest negative for some women especially): You do have some pretty random people looking at your profile. I’ve had a couple of Jordanians check me out, for example. None have contacted me but if there is already something uncomfortable about having your pictures and information up for strangers to see, it feels quite a bit more uncomfortable when it is totally “random” people taking a peek.

I recommend!

Either way, in general, it’s a cool site and I see that it already has a lot of non-Orthodox Israelis on it. I can totally see it becoming a nice change for the more traditional or religious Jewish crowds too. Now just for someone to start the trend…

If you check it out, let me know what you think!

P.S. FYI, they already offer a search of only Jews. Also, a user named Nevuchadnetzar has created a “How Jewish are you” test. I think there needs to be a more religious one created (though from a quick peek at his profile he seems to be religious himself) but point is, it’s possible.

Did you know you are not being forced to answer any question anyone ever asks you (except, I suppose if it’s the Mossad asking).

So, what if someone asks you what you’re looking for in a spouse or how you define yourself religiously? What if they ask you if you go to a matchmaker or do online dating?

Well, then you answer what you want to answer. I happen to find these questions to be pretty personal and don’t feel comfortable answering just anyone. The problem is that often I feel put on the spot because if I answer I feel like I shared things that were too private (and often too hard to explain standing on one foot) but if I don’t share, I could come off seeming a little weird or too private or like I don’t really want help meeting someone because if I did, I’d be willing to put myself out there.

Yeah, whatev.

So someone just asked me what I’m looking for. I asked him why he was asking and he said just so he could have it in mind (he doesn’t really know me so not sure how much he’d have it in mind anyway). I told him I prefer only to talk about this if there is use in it because it’s private. There were a couple more back and forths and that was that. I am very happy I didn’t give in because I did not feel good about sharing this information with him.

Do you feel like you’re giving someone private information when you answer the question, “What are you looking for?” Do you sometimes feel pressured into answering questions posed to you because otherwise you’ll give a bad impression?

I REALLY believe that singles events cannot be singles events. They need to be events for people to grow in some way (learn something, help someone, have fun…) in an environment that still helps people meet each other.

I also tend to believe that singles events should not be just for singles! It creates such awkwardness. If an event is cool and nice, why can’t other people come? It’s a big challenge to plan an event that isn’t focused on being single and isn’t even only for singles, but somehow still facilitate new people meeting but I believe that should be the goal.

Anyway, don’t you think that it should be easier for people to meet if there are married/coupled people there too? People that maybe want to help singles meet but also just want to be there for the event itself.

As I’m writing this, I feel like such a think tank – thinking and writing away but not actually trying to implement this myself. So I just want to mention that I fully appreciate the huge effort and amount of hard work that goes into planning an event, especially a single event. But at the same time, I hear so many complaints about singles events so obviously something has to change.

I’d like this to be a discussion because it’s a way for people who are planning events for singles to get more of a window into what we’re thinking and what we need and want.

So please, write here, what do you think could be the “dream singles event”? Or, the dream event where singles might meet…

Tell us what you think!

I’ve begun being in touch with a woman who is sincerely putting heart and soul (I’m not joking – you have to see how hard she’s working at it) into trying to help singles meet each other.

She is not being condescending. She talks about it and you can see that she is not looking down on singles but she sees there is a problem and wants to help.

And yet, it’s like pulling teeth trying to get people to bite her bait. She spends long phone conversations with people talking to them about the events she’s planning. And meanwhile, for all her good intentions, not to her face of course (or other people who are trying to help singles), the singles are hemming and hawing and complaining about singles events and “professionals” who are trying to help us.

It’s a really interesting thing, isn’t it?

I was just watching Pollyanna (so kill me) and Polly’s aunt forces her to go around town giving out charity – jars of jammed calf foot. Yum!

She is having the hardest time because people are angry with her for giving them something for free. She walks away from one old man she had given a jar to and says to the woman she’s with, “People really hate getting charity.”

Watch from 4:45 (is the sound totally off for you too?)

People don’t like being charity cases. People don’t like having people focus on what’s wrong with them. We really prefer if people don’t notice there is anything wrong with us at all. At the same time we’re hyper-conscious of what is “wrong” with us and we’re sure everyone else is focusing on that “wrong” thing too.

In our society being single is a big problem because we are instilled with the idea that as long as we haven’t succeeded in getting ourselves hooked, we don’t have concrete proof that we’re “OK.” So any help that comes our way can feel like the person helping is saying, “You’re screwed up so let me try to help unscrew you.”

This is such a delicate situation but we can use some help. So the question is, what help do we need and how should it be supplied?

What is the recipe for helping a group like singles who want to get married in the most positive way possible? I’ll start by giving #1:

1) Only help if you can honestly show that you have utmost respect for the people you’re trying to help.

Did you notice there is a new Jewish dating site up? It’s called SuperTova and it was recently started by a Jewish guy, Justin Corsa, who lives in Georgia, North Carolina. I am always intrigued by proactive people. In this case, Justin took it upon himself to create a new dating site which offers its services completely for free. Considering that a huge amount of work goes into creating and running a site like this, I was curious what pushed Justin to do this. I wrote to Justin and asked him if he was willing to answer a few questions for habitza.com and he happily agreed. Here you go:

What is it that really pushed you to start Supertova? What’s motivating you?

Justin Corsa, founder of SuperTova.com

Justin: I had the site developed mainly to create an easy platform for Jews to communicate with each other, exclusively for dating. It’s 100% free for the purpose of “growing and preserving our Jewish nation.” As we all know, there is a struggle within the Diaspora and we, as a people, must overcome it. This is just one step.

In what way is  Supertova different from other Jewish dating sites out there?

Justin: Most Jewish dating and matchmaking require membership fees. The main difference is that mine requires absolutely none.

Why did you choose to make SuperTova free?

Justin: I made it 100% free in order to gain numbers, as well as give other Jews, whom are members of paying sites (sites that cater to Jews and non-Jews) incentive to use this one, where they will meet and date people who are Jewish. Why would they pay to use a non-Jewish dating site when they can use a Jewish dating site 100% free? Once they realize they have a choice, they may elect to use mine.

Who do you see as Supertova’s target audience?

Justin: My target audience is anyone who is single, Jewish, and not affiliated with messianics.

Is there a team behind the scenes? Are you always working on improving the site? Are there new changes we can look forward to seeing in the near future?

Justin: I have a small IT team consisting of a programmer and developer. I also have a very close friend who does admin work when I’m unavailable. The site is continually being developed with new features. Most of the things you will see in the future is site simplicity developments. Im always looking to make it more simplified and user-friendly.

What problem is SuperTova aiming to solve?

Justin: The main problem in the Jewish community is just the simple fact that our numbers are small and dispersed. I had supertova created in order to bring them into one meeting place. If I succeed in my project, it will bring hundreds of thousands of Jews together for marriage.

I am wondering if you can expand on what pushed you, personally, to go ahead and do this site.

Read more…

Since, as you all know so well by now, according to me a date is not “just a cup of coffee,” if anyone can ever save me from having to put myself through the difficult emotional process of going on a blind date, I am forever grateful.

Recently someone did just that. She thought of someone for me. She’d spoken to him on the phone and he sounded pretty cool, sweet… But after telling me a bit about him, she immediately offered to meet him before setting him up with me. And immediately after meeting him she got back to me and said that she’d saved me a date and told me why (the why doesn’t matter here).

Granted, basically having someone else go on a first date for you can make you feel a little like you’re losing control. Thoughts like, “Yeah, but maybe that wouldn’t have been a problem for me,” creep in. But the main thoughts are, “Thank God I got to go on one less date.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with most of the guys I’ve ever gone out with. It’s more the emotional roller coaster inside of me that I must endure. And if I can endure it one time less, that is very good for me.

I told this woman that her meeting the guy for me or for any other girl is a huge chessed (act of kindness). She is really taking action and responsibility in her attempt to help singles find the “one” to marry.

Kudos to her.