This is a guest post by Tamar Weiss. Tamar Weiss grew up wanting to be a famous writer and then realized that she really only liked giving her opinion on specific topics related to her own personal life. She has a blog about these things that make her tick at www.jtownponderings.wordpress.com. She works as a technical communicator in hi-tech.

I hate the word Beshert. I can’t even stand the concept.

Is there one person out there for me? I surely hope not; for me the idea is quite depressing. What a way to limit your options mentally. Maybe the person I am destined for simply never had the possibility to meet me. Maybe he will, but when I am 60 with a family and grandchildren of my own.

I prefer Chandler’s notion of more suitable and less suitable matches in Friends.

If I go through life believing in this concept of a beshert, one person out there for me, anytime someone annoys me or we seem on different pages, I could say to myself: “Well, my soulmate would understand me. I just wish I could meet my soulmate.” Maybe I’ll give everyone just one date. Because if it was my soulmate, I’d just know. Sometimes I feel like if you really believe in the concept of soulmates, you don’t believe you have to work at all to understand another person. It’s almost like instant satisfaction.

There seems to be a lot of emphasis in the religious world on the concept of beshert. Fortunately, both a rabbanit and a rabbi (they weren’t married to each other) in my religious high school told us that they didn’t believe in the concept and that one could be happily married to many different people. So I don’t think I have to believe in this concept. And if I don’t, I’m not a religious heretic.

Life is about choices. You make choices with the best information you have currently available. People meet each other in school, at work, sometimes on dating sites. Were they destined to be together? I’m a bit skeptical. But maybe they just found that they suited each other and they were willing to work at it to build something together.

I’m going to quote from a dating coach – a really famous one named Evan Marc Katz. I like his dating blog – I think its been nominated for the best one on dating. Here is an excerpt from one of his recent blog posts, “How do you know when it’s right? It’s not what you think.“

You want to know how to judge a potential life partner?

Find the man who treats you best, the man who makes your life easiest, the man that allows you to comfortably be yourself, flaws and all  – without fear that he’s going to leave you – THAT MAN is the best fit for you.

If you can have all that, I don’t know why you need a soulmate.

Thanks Nathaniel!

This side of marriage.

One difference between dating (for marriage) when younger and presumably never married, and dating when you are already on the other side of marriage, be it divorce (as in my case) or other, is that there are more realistic expectations on this side.

We know everyone has “baggage” – past relationships, exes, children, financial issues, job histories, community involvement, etc. And if not, what have you been doing for the last few decades?

Yes, you’re beautiful, and the most beautiful to me, but we both realize that there are better looking men and women out there. Only, we are looking at the whole package, not just superficial indicators. How are you with your children, and likewise, how will you be with mine? And how about with our parents, who now are older if alive? Family/relatives?

We all have issues, problems, anger — a past and a present. What we want is to build a new future (together), knowing that it’s not a cakewalk.

On the first side of marriage, expectations were that love will conquer all. We will flow together, never argue, be the best parents, and certainly not make our parents’ mistakes. We knew that no matter what, we would be there for each other.

Only, it didn’t turn out that way. Life is not pollyannish, we were.

On this side of marriage, we want the cards laid out on the table. Don’t waste our time with BS. We should be able to see through much of it by now, and won’t stand for any of it.

I hope.

Photo by firemedic58 on flickr.

Michael. Check out his blog by clicking on his pic.

Back in April / Nisan of 2008, I happened to meet a young woman on Facebook, whom I could tell had a damn good head on her shoulders. (She was communicating on a group I belonged to, about Maimonidean rationalism, discussing proofs that the Zohar is not an authentic part of the Jewish tradition.) I said that we should “meet up”, and we scheduled a meeting. Read that very carefully: I said we should ”meet”; I would pay the price for my ambiguity later.I used the word ”meeting” very deliberately. Suffice it to say for now, it was not a smart move by me. So we had our first “meeting”, and then, a few days later, we went on a date (*a* date, not *another* date). That night, I got to walk her quite a ways home, even though she kept telling me that she didn’t need an escort.

Over the next few days, meanwhile, we were having very long phone conversations, sometimes for three or so hours at a time. Sometimes, we were both getting up out of bed too late for class, because we kept talking to each other first thing in the morning. (I remember the highlight of my day being waking up, to see if any messages from her had come while I had been sleeping.) I actually still have saved all the text messages we sent to each other; I count ninety messages from her. So it was a rather intense relationship, I suppose. In fact, on our first meeting, which lasted several meetings, we made plans to meet again that same night! The plan fell through, because she got sick, but still, when you plan two meetings with the same person on the same day, you know something promising is afoot.

Meanwhile, for some reason that I no longer remember – probably because the “reason” was too stupid even for a sea-sponge – I got the idea in my head that perhaps, she wasn’t romantically interested in me. But of course, I didn’t want to sound like an idiot (which I think I was), so I didn’t actually ask her. Because that would be too obvious, of course.

So she called me one day and asks me if I’d like to meet up with her, right then, at that moment. I went to the appointed spot, and she had several friends with her. We proceeded to spend the next hour or two going clothes-shopping.

(Most.boring.time in my life. Look, this girl could have been a scantily-clad supermodel, and it’d still have been boring enough to drive a man near to suicide. I highly recommend to all the women here that you *never* take a man to a clothing store. *Ever*. If you have to, drop him off somewhere en route, and pick him up later. For the love of G-d, please, *never* take a man to a clothing store. And for some reason, my friend Neti also took me clothing shopping, but in her defense, I was in fact making romantic advances towards her that she was repeatedly declining, so she has an excuse. If you want to tell a guy you aren’t interested in him, just take him shopping for clothing.)

So, I had already had thoughts that she wasn’t interested in me romantically, and the fact that she took me with her girlfriends to a clothing store only cemented this thought in my mind. I thought maybe she was trying to subtly distance me from romantic-type thoughts so as to spare my feelings. I consulted with a female friend of mine, and she confirmed my suspicions.

Then, in my inexperienced, insensitive way, I *called* her – on the *phone* – to apologize to her if my repeated flirting and such had made her uncomfortable, and had made her feel the need to try to distance herself from me, etc. Of course, in doing this, I had unilaterally assumed how she must be feeling, without ever asking her (cf. http://habitza.com/2010/09/23/does-he-want-a-second-date/). Well, wouldn’t you know it, but she up and burst
into tears on the spot! In between her sobs, we had a conversation something like the following:

Her: WHAT DO YOU THINK WE’VE BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME?
Me: Err…I don’t know…?
Her: The second time we were out, wasn’t that a date?
Me: Oh, the *second* was a date? Then what was the *first* time we met?
Her: You asked me if we wanted to “MEET UP”!!!! Ergo, it wasn’t a
date! But wasn’t the *second* time a date? And if not, why did you
walk me home the whole way?
Me: Err…oh…crud…

I then explained to her how I thought she wasn’t romantically interested, and was (to my sea-sponge-esque intelligence) trying to distance me, and such, and she asked me why I didn’t simply ask her. I told her that I didn’t want to sound stupid.

Meanwhile, for the past several times we had had conversations, she often accused me of not listening to her. She would tell me about her problems, such as her not knowing how to balance her desire to stay in Israel with her desire to finish her degree in America. Then, I would give her practical advice on how to solve that problem. Repeatedly, she’d say I wasn’t listening to her, and I’d respond that given my point-by-point practical advice, I was most definitely listening to her every word! But our conversations on this topic always ended at an impasse, with no satisfactory conclusion. We had several such conversations.

So a few days after the conversation of her sobs and my cluelessness, she called me and said we had to meet up again. She told me how much she liked me, etc. etc., but that too many times, I had failed to listen to her. Furthermore, the sob-conversation didn’t help. She told me that I reminded her too much of her father, who loved her but was too emotionally-dense to ever tell her that fact during her entire childhood. Plus, she had to return to America to finish her degree. On top of that, my lack of college degree or livelihood-earning-capability didn’t help either. She told me that she’d return to America, and that we should both date other people in the meantime, but that if and when she returned, we could resume dating. So that was that. I saw her one last time, when I saw her off to her bus en route to the airport.

Oh, and even after she left Israel, we were still communicating, and I managed to offend her yet again, when she was telling me more about her problems, and I yet again offered her practical advice. So then, with a rabbi with whom I had a havruta in learning Orhot Tzadiqim – this rabbi doubling as a marriage counselor – I discussed my supposed inability to “listen” to this girl. He told me that when women tell you their problems, they want emotional commiseration, *not* practical solutions to their problems. Finally, I understood why she thought I wasn’t “listening” to her, and finally, I understood why my defense (how could I offer point-by-point practical advice to her unless I very carefully listened to her) did not assuage her. Following this conversation, my rabbi would occasionally make a funny impression of me being an emotionless hyper-Yekke. (This rabbi learned under Rabbi Dr. Eliezer Berkovits – FTW!!!! (What’s FTW?) Also, I *totally* want him to be my chatan teacher when the appropriate day comes, but I digress…) So I asked the girl (by now in America) what would have happened had I followed this rabbi’s advice to give her emotional commiseration and not practical advice, and she straight-up told me, “We’d still be dating.”

And that was the end of that. Six months after she left Israel, she was engaged. Oh, and our entire relationship in Israel, with all its bumps, lasted one-and-a-half *weeks*. Yes, less than two weeks!

Thank you Ami!

A manly man. Guess which man this is...

Even though I hold a Masters degree with an emphasis in marriage and family therapy, I claim not to be an expert in matters of marriage, as I have yet to experience it. I might only share my experience in the dating world.

I imagine that some men will be able to relate to what I am about to share here while others won’t. Women, perhaps – I’d be interested to hear what you think.

My experience is that when I don’t feel the pressure to marry  and when I’m not TRYING, per se, then I’m more interested in intimacy. On the other hand, when I feel the pressure – a combination of social pressure and self-talk – I’m not really open to it. It’s not that I choose to close myself down, but rather, I close up automatically, naturally.

I think it has to do with the more male desire/need for freedom. So when I feel free, I’m ready to be vulnerable; but when I feel pushed… forget about it.

Photo by mikebaird on flickr.

"Ribbit! I'm the cutest frog in the world."

I have recently been in touch with my beloved frog friend, Froug. (Come on, say it: frog friend Froug…) I continue to have a soft place in my heart for this adorable little amphibian.

Anyhoo, of late he thinks there is a key element missing from HaBitza. When I asked him what, he put it simply: Testosterone.

I hear. I function mainly on estrogen and it really does create a different effect. A bit more of a hormonal balance could do the site good.

So now I am wondering who could help contribute a man’s side to this whole ongoing dating discussion here. Any ideas? Feel free to write me with ideas of guys or if you are a guy and would like to contribute a guest post to HaBitza, email me and let me know what you imagine talking about.

Thanks!

Deena

Photo by faye4art on flickr.

Chana Levitan on her latest book tour

Deena: How did you get into the field of relationship coaching?

Chana:  As an educator of Judaic studies, the particular subjects I focus on are and have always been, relationships and character development.  Because these subjects are so personal, many of my students approach me after class, to discuss their dating situations.  These discussions led me to develop my material, and to fine tune my research in both Judaic and secular texts.   By now, after 24 years of teaching, I have counseled literally thousands of people.   My years of research and experience in this field evolved into my book, “I Only Want to Get Married Once.”

People are afraid of choosing the wrong person…and also afraid that they won’t be able to make a marriage work. People are afraid to be themselves…and afraid not to be themselves.  Bottom line, people have stopped trusting themselves and have stopped believing in love and marriage. – Chana Levitan

Deena: There are so many self-help books out there, especially about relationships. If you decided to write one, you obviously felt you had something to add. What is it people can get out of your book that they won’t necessarily get out of the other books they’ve read?

Chana:  Yes, there are many self-help books out there, and some are very good.  Yet, I felt that what people really needed was a practical, clear and uncomplicated approach to dating.  My book is based on my lecture series.  When you lecture, you see whether people are with you—long winded speeches/lectures lose the audience.  In addition, you receive immediate feedback as to the relevance of your information.  The material in my book was tested, developed and fine tuned through my years of lecturing.  As a result, my book has a refreshing ‘to the point,’ practical and entertaining style, yet, is packed with important information which is easily accessible.  This is certainly reflected in the many customer reviews of my book on Amazon, i.e. “The book is an easy read and clearly written, while the guidelines are very insightful.”  Or: “I have read my share of dating books but this is the first time I have come across one with practical advice.”

Another characteristic difference between my book and others is the way I present the topics of love and infatuation.  Many books present these two elements as opposing experiences, almost as though they are mutually exclusive.  My research and experience tell me otherwise.  Infatuation is an element in every dating experience.  People get into trouble when they either make their infatuation the basis of the relationship, or one of the foundational points.  The goal is to keep the infatuation to a minimum, so that you can think clearly while your feelings are all wound up.  Easier said than done.  The ten questions and information in my book are the tools through which you can create this balance during the tumultuous dating process.  And they work.

Throughout the years, I have been privy to many people’s processes.  I have seen people grow, change and redirect their energies.  I have watched ordinary people evolve in wondrous ways. – Chana Levitan

Deena: You write throughout your book that anyone can have the healthy relationship that you are describing. Do you truly believe that? If so, what makes you believe it?

Chana:  If I didn’t believe it, I couldn’t have written the book.  Throughout the years, I have been privy to many people’s processes.  I have seen people grow, change and redirect their energies.  I have watched ordinary people evolve in wondrous ways.  Because when we commit ourselves to becoming the healthiest version of ourselves, very profound things happen.  So yes, I believe that anyone can have the healthy relationship I am describing.  But, as I say in my book, love is a verb, an action, a choice (this includes loving ourselves…and others).  In other words, we do have to do the work, it doesn’t just happen.  But if we’re ready to do the work, we will succeed.

Deena: The title of your book “I only want to get married once” alludes to the fact that there is so much divorce today. But the opposite is also true, that so many people aren’t getting married at all, or at least not until very late. Do you see these two facts as two sides of the same coin? And, do you think that the tips you give in your book can actually help people reach their first marriage goals more quickly and easily? Can you give examples of how?

Chana: I wouldn’t say that they are two sides of the same coin, rather, one is the result of the other.  Because divorce is so rampant, people are afraid to try.  I believe that this is the key word: fear.   People are afraid of choosing the wrong person…and also afraid that they won’t be able to make a marriage work.  People are afraid to be themselves…and afraid not to be themselves.  Bottom line, people have stopped trusting themselves and have stopped believing in love and marriage.  My book is written to reinstate this trust and belief.   The practical tips in my book (based on my lecture series), combined with the information and tools within, have equipped many men and women to regain that trust.   To give you an example of a fundamental point I discuss, I clarify the difference between values, goals and interests.  All too often, people think that just because they share similar interests, their relationship is solid.  However, even if all of a couple’s interests match up, if their values clash, they are in for trouble.  Upon clarifying this essential point, I guide the reader in identifying his/her values in a practical and uncomplicated way.

Deena: Regarding divorcees, I’d guess that they are also apprehensive about getting into a new relationship. What words of encouragement and advice can you give these people?

Chana:  Yes, divorce is painful and that pain leaves some serious scar tissue.  But as I mentioned above, life is all about change and growth.  We can either let an experience make us or break us.  The choice is ours.  I added a short but very important section at the end of my book, entitled, “If you’ve already been married once.”  The essence of these added pages is that we are human and we will make mistakes.  The key is to milk each mistake for all of the wisdom and insight it has… and to be armed with upgraded tools and knowledge in order not to repeat the mistake.

Deena: Many singles who have never been married are uncomfortable with the idea of getting involved with divorcees. What would you tell these people?

Chana:  Considering that divorcees are quickly becoming the majority of the adult population, it would be unwise to turn someone away just because they are divorced, especially for those in their 30s and older.  There are many reasons people divorce; i.e. they didn’t think clearly and really married the wrong person, their ex-spouse was very unhealthy and possibly even abusive, the family of the ex-spouse (no, I didn’t say mothers-in-law, I’m trying to go easy on them, especially since I just became one)  wreaked havoc.  But then there are more problematic reasons why someone might be divorced; they don’t know how to have relationships and keep burning bridges in their lives, they are severely selfish, lazy and/or abusive etc. In short, it is imperative to look into a person’s divorce to find out the background and reasons for the divorce. This procedure is both normal and accepted.   If a person is defensive about someone looking into their divorce, I would take that as a troubling sign.

This being said, it is important not to lump all divorced people into one group.  After a divorce, some people wallow in self pity and blame others, while others are proactive and set out to build the parts of themselves that need some work and repair.  After this work, these proactive people are sometimes in better shape than someone who was never married.  In short, when dating someone who is divorced, it’s important to simultaneously keep an open mind and yet, do the background research.

Deena:  Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Chana:  Yes there is.  Perhaps I can sum it all up by saying that dating can feel like a ‘beetza’ and it can turn into one big ‘beetza’.  Dating, regardless of whatever dating process we use, is a trying experience.   It is important to remember two essential points:

1)      Attitude/positive thinking goes a long way.   Many singles fall into the trap of tremendous doubt, “I’ll never get married” or “There’s no one out there for me.”  I cannot emphasize how destructive this type of thinking is.  So it’s ‘out with the negative, in with the positive’ which means thinking, “I am a catch and I am going to get married.  Now, what can I work on within myself to make me an even better version of myself.”  This is positive and proactive.

2)      It’s essential to re-inspire yourself to actually ‘be married.’  As I mentioned earlier, our fears often hold us back from many things.  Even if one wasn’t afraid of marriage in the past, with age, the fear often builds.  We become a little too sophisticated for ourselves!   It is so important to internalize and remember the fact that marriage is not a loss of self, a draining of self nor a compromise of our true selves (unless people go about it in the wrong way).  On the contrary, it is through the work of marriage that we actually discover our true inner selves and evolve in ways we never thought possible (this is the subject of my next book).  Looking forward to and believing in this kind of work combined with the positive attitude mentioned above can keep someone moving in a positive direction.

Deena: Where can we find the book “I only want to get married once”?

Chana: My book is available at the various Steimatsky and Tamir book stores throughout Israel.  It is also available at Mannys, Shankys, Moriah and other Judaica stores in Jerusalem.  It can be purchased on line at Amazon, Barnes and Nobles and Borders or from my publisher  at www.gefenpublishing.com.  In the States, it is available at various Judaica stores  throughout New York and Boston. I don’t know if it’s in Borders/ Barnes and Nobles yet, but it should be soon.  Although I cannot conduct regular email correspondence, people can contact me through my website www.chanalevitan.com.  They can also find out about my latest events at my website.

It appears that some believe that getting help is for poor nebachs who get stuck in a rut and can’t get out. The truth about being able to receive help is that looking for help takes a lot of courage and guts. It is most certainly for the strong and not the weak. It takes a strong person to pull themselves up when they are feeling down and locate the resources they need for any given difficulty. People who feel lowly about themselves don’t get help and often remain in a stagnated state, as they find it hard to first admit that they are struggling with something and then go about getting what they truly need.

Everyone needs support and help. It is a very normal part of humanity. If we didn’t,  we would all be able to live like hermits, and what a boring society that would be (not that I have anything against people who want to live on their own, it would just not be much of  a society if we ALL wanted to live like that).  Think about the quotes about getting help, such as, “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

With regards to receiving help and wanting to get married, why is there any shame in saying, “I have not yet met my life partner and want assistance with being introduced to more people who are interested in getting married as well.”  I view getting help, as having a gap in information, or tools that I want to fill. If I want to improve my career, I find out what information is missing, and I learn it and hopefully it improves my skill-set. If I don’t have enough money, or I manage my money poorly, then I would go to a financial planner to help me figure out how to do that better.

"Between a rock and a hard place"

We are all brought into this world with no knowledge and we pick stuff up along the way.  Some of us are really great at socializing and schmoozing is just something we do, it is a very natural part of us. Some of us are simply people magnets, and we know how to attract others to us. Some struggle with meeting and socializing for a variety of reasons. This is stuff that can be changed and worked on.  It would seem a real shame if people who struggle to meet others could never have the potential to learn or adopt these resources.

For people who are really social and meet people quite easily, relationships are still difficult and complex at times. People often believe that once they enter a relationship they will no longer feel alone, or some of their other life struggles will melt away. Halivai that this were true.  It is a real blessing that in this day and age people who are struggling with creating, maintaining and sustaining a relationship have places to go for assistance.  How lonely would it truly feel if people felt that their difficulties were simply insurmountable, and that they had nowhere to turn?

Bottom line, only the person who admits that they need help, can actually receive what they need.  The only shame is for people who don’t allow themselves to find out what it is that they are needing.

Micki Lavin-Pell is a marriage and family therapist who has been doing a lot of work to help singles move forwards towards healthy relationships. This has included one-on-one work, couple work and organizing events. Her email is mgpell@gmail.com.

Photo by cupcakes2 on flickr.

What is it that really pushed you to start Supertova? What’s motivating you?

Justin Corsa, founder of SuperTova.com

Justin: I had the site developed mainly to create an easy platform for Jews to communicate with each other, exclusively for dating. It’s 100% free for the purpose of “growing and preserving our Jewish nation.” As we all know, there is a struggle within the Diaspora and we, as a people, must overcome it. This is just one step.

In what way is  Supertova different from other Jewish dating sites out there?

Justin: Most Jewish dating and matchmaking require membership fees. The main difference is that mine requires absolutely none.

Why did you choose to make SuperTova free?

Justin: I made it 100% free in order to gain numbers, as well as give other Jews, whom are members of paying sites (sites that cater to Jews and non-Jews) incentive to use this one, where they will meet and date people who are Jewish. Why would they pay to use a non-Jewish dating site when they can use a Jewish dating site 100% free? Once they realize they have a choice, they may elect to use mine.

Who do you see as Supertova’s target audience?

Justin: My target audience is anyone who is single, Jewish, and not affiliated with messianics.

Is there a team behind the scenes? Are you always working on improving the site? Are there new changes we can look forward to seeing in the near future?

Justin: I have a small IT team consisting of a programmer and developer. I also have a very close friend who does admin work when I’m unavailable. The site is continually being developed with new features. Most of the things you will see in the future is site simplicity developments. Im always looking to make it more simplified and user-friendly.

What problem is SuperTova aiming to solve?

Justin: The main problem in the Jewish community is just the simple fact that our numbers are small and dispersed. I had supertova created in order to bring them into one meeting place. If I succeed in my project, it will bring hundreds of thousands of Jews together for marriage.

I am wondering if you can expand on what pushed you, personally, to go ahead and do this site.

Justin: I was bar mitzvah late in my life while i was in college via Chabad Lubavich (tallhassee, FL, Rabbi Oierchman). They were available when i needed spiritual help. I was a child of an inter-faith household, no bar mitzvah, and no prior Jewish education. My big push is to ensure nobody has a similar lifestyle. I was raised celebrating x-mas and no longer take part. My mother is Jewish; her mother; her mother’s mother, etc. I respect my parents and honor them greatly but i do believe if i was not strong willed, i would’ve been another lost Jew in the diaspora.

There are many variables that lead me to my quest; one of which is the aggravation, anti-Semitism, physical and spiritual torture our ancestors were forced to endure in the past. They kept their will and did what it took to ensure their children and grandchildren will keep Torah and live their lives as Jews. I foresee inter-marriage as a threat to the foundation of Judaism. We’re currently losing the war in the diaspora and I want to do all in my power to make a difference. I feel very strongly about my Jewish heritage and I, not only want to see my grandchildren remain Jews, but also our Jewish brothers and sisters as well. We owe it to G-d; and we owe it to our ancestors. I honestly feel that education and creative strategy could overcome this problem.

I’ve never lived within a Jewish community, so my experience is minimal. Growing up in GA, i witnessed verbal anti-Semitism on a daily basis. Most did not know I was Jewish, as my last name is not Jewish. As a child, i would hear their thoughts about the Jews from adults and their children. It would make me incredibly angry to know that Jews were not liked, no matter what; and for no apparent reason. During WW2 study in middle school, i remember the children laughing during the holocaust documentaries, hailing to hitler during his appearance, and the teachers ignoring these acts of immaturity and hatred. I have first hand knowledge of this. I constantly had outbursts of rage to defend myself and my Jewish heritage.

The Jewish experience that i received was when i spent time with my grandmother who comes from Austria. She spoke fluent Yiddish. I was very close with my grandfather and they represent the Jews very well. Very well mannered with a passion for their Jewish identity. When I think of Jews, i think of them; and think of the struggle we undergo, in the past, present, and future.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Justin: In my opinion, Judaism is way too important to put a price tag on the souls of our future youth. I’m doing this for free; and it will always be free because the future of our people means way too much for me. It’s priceless. My commitment to the Jewish people is unbreakable.

Thank you, Justin! Good luck. I hope your goals are met and your site is a success.

You can check out SuperTova at http://www.supertova.com.

When Deena and I were discussing the topic for my guest post on habitza.com, she asked if I had ideas about communal Shabbat meals for singles. She didn’t have to worry. I lived on my own in Washington Heights for several years, and met my husband when he hosted a meal and a mutual friend invited me along.

I’m going to give a bunch of suggestions, but they all boil down to one thing: Make your guests feel welcome. It won’t matter that the chicken came out dry or you ran out of wine, as long as you can keep smiling. Good planning is important because it allows you to focus on your guests, not the food. Throughout the tips below, I have included links to my Cooking Manager blog with more information on the different topics.

1. Inviting: Make your invitation specific and sincere, including whether or not guests are expected to bring food. If you’re making it potluck, let them know when you invite them, not after. For potluck you can give the guest a few options of things they can either buy or cook (e.g. drinks, salad or kugel). If it isn’t potluck, wait for the guest to make an offer.

2. Planning the Menu: Choose uncomplicated dishes that work as leftovers or are easy to freeze. Don’t make too many items–each additional item means more washing, serving, and cleanup.

3. Shopping: Making an emergency trip to the store is a big time waster, so double-check your grocery list. Make sure you have every ingredient on hand, and don’t forget salt, paper goods, drinks, etc.

4. Cooking: Spread a big cooking job over two days. On the first day, count, wash and peel vegetables. Store them in bags or containers in the fridge. Chop and cook the next day.

5.  Setting up: Do as much as you can in advance, including preparing platters in the fridge if you have room. Keep track of when it’s time to defrost (always in the refrigerator) or heat up food. Keep food as hot or as cold as you can to prevent spoilage.

6.  Serving: After you plan the menu, walk through the meal from start to finish in your head. Where will you serve each course, and with which utensils? Will you need to wash dishes in the middle? With more than 7 or 8 guests, divide items into more than one platter. And make sure that everyone has access to food. It’s no fun to sit at the edge of the table and shout for someone to pass the chumus.

7.  Conversation: Have a couple of topics ready in case conversation lags, or if a guest dominates or brings up inappropriate topics. Make a special effort to include newcomers.

8.  Ending the meal: Two hours is about the upper limit of people’s patience, so avoid letting the courses drag out. Benching (grace after meals) sooner rather than later allows people to leave without feeling rude. If people hang around too long, stand up and thank them for coming. If you do want people to stay longer, put out some fresh fruit after dessert.

9. Storing Food: A benefit of singlehood is the ability to be spontaneous about where you eat. But this means leftovers commonly get neglected. If you think your leftovers will go to waste, offer them to your guests–making up plates with a whole meal is the best. Cover the rest well and replace in the refrigerator or freezer. And make a note to use it up.

10. Cleaning Up: It can be annoying when guests don’t help clean up, but it’s often because they don’t know what to do. Don’t hesitate to assign specific tasks, like bringing things into the kitchen or folding up chairs.

What do you think makes a successful communal meal? Please share in the comments.

Recipe ideas for hosting a crowd:

Lentils with Onions and Garlic (Best when made 2-3 days in advance, this is a satisfying vegetarian/vegan main course or side)

Chicken with Black Olives and Tomatoes. (Unusual one-pot chicken dish, excellent hot or cold)

Grilled Eggplant Dip

Low-Fat Turkey Meatloaf (Easy to multiply, slice and serve).

Crustless Quiche (Flexible, dairy option easily multiplied for a crowd.)

Betei’avon!

We take for granted that trying to help singles marry is a mitzvah. What most people don’t seem to account for is the fact that, like all mitzvos, there are parameters that define what constitutes performing the mitzvah properly and what can actually be a sin—even if one’s heart is in the right place.

If one offers a sacrifice in the Beis HaMikdash, he is performing a mitzvah. If one offers the same sacrifice with the same pure intentions outside the Beis HaMikdash, he commits a grave offense. Similarly, one can attempt to arrange a shidduch and be performing a mitzvah, but one can also be committing a terrible sin that far outweighs his good intentions.

The ways in which our community sins against singles are many and widespread. Because these sins are easily camouflaged as mitzvos, and because there are so many nuances and subtleties involved with helping singles, it is extremely difficult for many people to recognize that they may be sinning. It is all too easy for one to rationalize his behavior, especially when societal norms favor “helping” singles in ways that are not appropriate.

I will provide common examples of this to help educate the community and with hopes that those who are well-meaning will refine the manner in which they try to help singles. In addition, hopefully some people will realize that this mitzvah is not for them, just as not all mitzvos are intended to be performed by all people at all times. Some people may not yet be equipped to perform the mitzvah, and others would be best off avoiding it altogether.

Individuals: Sins Of Speech

Well-meaning individuals sin against singles with speech and action. They sin with speech by making a variety of inappropriate comments, such as the following common examples:

“Why aren’t you married yet?” This generally comes from people who are favorably impressed with a single they don’t know very well. It is intended as a compliment, as if to say, “You’re so terrific I can’t believe no one snapped you up!” While masquerading as a mitzvah by supposedly complimenting the single and boosting his self-esteem, it only draws attention to the fact that he is still single and puts him on the spot. After all, how exactly is a person supposed to respond to this? “Yes, I’m wonderful, and I also can’t believe no one wants to marry me.” This doesn’t exactly brighten a person’s day.

Sometimes the same question is asked, but as a genuine inquiry. The questioner wants to help; he wants to know what’s holding the single back from getting married so he can try to fix the problem. Needless to say, despite the good intentions, the question is entirely tactless and bound to be hurtful.

Furthermore, the question presupposes that there is a clear reason why one person may have been fortunate to find the right person and get married while the next person has not been so fortunate. That is far from true. Most singles don’t need to be fixed before they are marriageable, and plenty of married people have tremendous problems and issues that may make their relationships very unpleasant. If things worked out a little differently, plenty of singles would be married and plenty of married people would still be single. Hence, to presuppose that there is a “reason” why someone is single is very shortsighted and even insulting.

Besides, even if there is a reason why someone is single, what makes anyone so sure he is able to help—or that it is even his business?

“This is why you aren’t married.” This is an incredibly presumptuous and offensive comment that is nevertheless quite common. It is never appropriate for anyone to say this to someone. Never.

Unless one is a prophet, he cannot possibly know why anyone else is not married, does not have children, or is otherwise not blessed in a certain fashion. The best anyone can manage is an educated guess, and even this should only be ventured, with humility and sensitivity, if the relationship with the other person and the situation call for it. The above declaration is just the opposite; it is arrogant and insensitive, and it will only hurt, not illuminate. Generally people will make this remark to lash out at a single and strike at a raw nerve, not to direct him on a productive path. They will rationalize otherwise, but this comment can never be rationalized.

“Im yirtzeh Hashem by you!” Singles often bristle at this remark, which tends to come from people on the fringes of their life—if even that close—and only draws attention to their single status. Personal remarks by people on the fringes of someone’s life are generally not appropriate, even if well-intentioned.

At one memorable wedding, a distant cousin who has no relationship with me advised me, with barely a hello, to get to know a certain man, since his wife is a shadchan. (I should have recommended an etiquette specialist for her, but refrained.) A stranger approached me and pronounced “Speedily! Speedily!” (I wished the same for him, though we probably had different things in mind.) Yet another distant acquaintance sat down next to me and asked me straight off what hishtadlus I was doing. (My response: “None of your business.”)

Unless it is appropriate for fringe acquaintances and strangers to make similar well-intentioned comments to childless couples, the severely ill, or those in dire economic straits, it is not appropriate to make such comments to singles about their personal status. A little tact means more than a perfunctory blessing.

Rabbis and other people of influence should be especially careful before speaking about these issues. Much of what is said by such people is terribly misguided and uninformed, and the damage from these remarks can be tremendous and difficult to undo. True leaders know their limitations and don’t tread in areas outside their expertise without due diligence.

Individuals: Sins Of Action

Individuals sin against singles through action primarily in three ways. The first is by setting them up in negligent fashion. It is not a mitzvah to set two people up on a whim with the rationalization that “it’s only a date,” “you never know,” or “you can’t leave a stone unturned.” Save the flippant attitude for your own shidduch search if you really believe in it, and show a little more concern for the welfare of others.

Bad experiences, and even a series of neutral but unsuccessful experiences, can take a lot out of a person, and many such experiences can be avoided by doing just a little homework. I am against the Secret Service-like investigations common in some circles, but one should take setting people up seriously enough to get their facts straight and put some serious thought into the matter. Ask the right questions, pay attention to the answers, and never lose sight of what the other person is going through. Fail to do so, and it’s a sin at worst, and a severely blemished mitzvah at best. Even if it works out, it’s in spite of the effort, not because of it.

Individuals also sin against singles by broaching the idea of setting them up and then failing to follow through. It’s startling how common this is, and completely inexcusable. Don’t start something you aren’t committed to seeing through.

A third sin is committed when people disparage singles’ ability to make proper decisions for themselves. There is a fine line between offering well-timed advice and meddling too closely in someone’s personal affairs, and many people don’t even recognize that such a line exists when it comes to singles. If someone decides not to pursue a relationship with someone, for example, his decision should be respected, not become the basis for critical remarks.

A single should never be made to feel like a chesed project or a lesser person. One who sets singles up without showing them the same respect and regard they would show a married adult is certain to sin repeatedly against them. I would advise such people to find a different, safer mitzvah with which to occupy themselves, and to leave this one to people with more refined character and interpersonal skills.

The Community

The community at large sins against singles in a variety of ways. This “crisis” didn’t just appear out of thin air, after all. Our community has gone off track, and unless it seriously changes course, the problems will only continue.

The community sins against singles first and foremost by trivializing the problem. There is no one “problem”—such as “singles are too picky,” “there aren’t enough men,” or everyone’s favorite scapegoat, “television”—that is responsible for a culture that makes dating and marriage so difficult. To trivialize the problem is to ignore the real issues, and to ignore the real issues is to sin against singles.

Singles tend to be transient, and thus more commonly find themselves the new person in town—without the built-in companionship and social entry of a spouse. It is incumbent on every shul to have some sort of welcoming committee or similar mechanism to help new people feel at home and become integrated into the community. Singles don’t necessarily need meals or shidduch dates, but they need to feel like a valued member of the community. Singles flee to places like the Upper West Side—no great sanctuary in its own right—because they are often made to feel unwelcome and disregarded in more family-oriented communities. This has to change.

The community sins against singles by closing off natural meeting opportunities such as wedding meals, concerts, and other events at which there is no compelling reason to fence men and women off from one another. We do not have a crisis of Jews acting inappropriately at these events, so these suffocating, unnecessary strictures that only create other problems must be removed.

The community sins against singles by substituting natural meeting opportunities with all manner of degrading, inefficient, and generally ineffective consolation prizes. We don’t let singles meet one another at the wedding, but we console them that maybe someone will take pity on them and set them up. No deal.

We replace non-pressurized events with events that have married chaperones, shadchanim, and “facilitators,” lest singles talk to one another instead. Not good enough.

We create dating events that resemble bad game shows and offer singles icebreakers suitable for small children to help lessen the pressure and awkwardness. Just not smart thinking.

The community sins against singles by driving them away from an observant lifestyle. I personally have encountered more than a few people who drifted away from observance because they felt they had to choose between being observant—shidduch system and all—and ever getting married. No one should ever have to make such a choice.

The community sins against singles by repackaging the same failed ideas in different wrapping paper and presenting it as something exciting. Prior generations did not know of a crisis of this nature, so we should look to them for guidance instead of pretending it was always done this way or, worse, claiming it has to continue to be this way. Nonsense. Things had to change to become like this, and they can just as easily change again—this time for the better.

Singles

Singles sin against themselves as well. They sin against themselves by allowing themselves to be degraded and mistreated because they are afraid of being stigmatized. They sin against themselves by doing all manner of things that aren’t true to themselves “for shidduch purposes,” as if they wish to marry someone who doesn’t appreciate them for who they really are. They sin against themselves by never developing a true sense of self and a sensible derech that they can stick with instead of changing things just for the sake of changing.

Singles sin against themselves by failing to take charge of their personal lives, and instead waiting for others to do things for them. If the events out there are not to your liking, organize your own. If the community isn’t working for you, then work to change the community. If you see someone interesting, strike up a conversation with that person. If you had a good time on the date,