HaBitza

Is it higher risk for a woman to have a baby at an older age because of her biological clock? Or might it be because of her partner’s ticking clock?

I think it’s going to take a loooong time before a majority of men – who often prefer dating younger women anyhow – will admit that their biology has an expiration date just as much as women, only in a different way.

This is a very interesting article about the male biological clock: The Ticking Male Biological Clock – WSJ.com.

Over the last year and a half of this blog’s life, there has been quite a bit of discussion on HaBitza around the question: Who should pay on the first date?

Happy to pay?

Following this discussion, for quite a while, I believed that the first date should be Dutch (each person pays for themselves). For me, the main reason is that it makes me really uncomfortable having a guy pay for me. A guy who I barely know and I may not even go out with again. It didn’t seem fair to the guy.

But I recently experienced something on a first date that made me realize that I hadn’t fully understood what it was that bothered me when guys pay.

Basically, I was on a date with this guy who, when it came time to pay, he looked at me and said, “Please, let me pay.”

Suddenly I noticed that I was happy to let him pay. It actually felt nice!

And then I realized that I didn’t necessarily have an issue with the guy paying. My issue was more about feeling like he really wanted to be doing that for me. And so often I just can’t tell.

When this guy actually said something, it gave me a feeling that he wanted to be doing it. And then I was happy to let him do that for me.

So there you go. All this time I thought people should go Dutch when really all I want is that if someone is going to do something nice for me, he/she should do it happily and not grudgingly. Otherwise, it’s possible I’d rather they don’t do it for me at all.

Vera wrote a humorous post about how the guy paying on date #1 shows he’s generous (or broke).

I guess that what I see is that how he does it is half the favour. And that is what begins to tell you who the person is sitting before you.

P.S. Another post is warranted for this topic: That nothing I write is written in stone. It is written in pixels on a screen. Zehu. This post is proof of that.

Photo by stevendepolo on flickr.

I wonder, are guys and girls different from each other or is it me who is different with guys than I am with girls?

I mean, I know 100 percent that I act differently with guys than I do with gals but is it because guys are inherently different which makes me act differently or is it just because he’s a guy, I’m a girl, so it makes me feel different towards him?

So, what is it? :)

I love the idea of growing attracted to someone as you get to know them. I’ve felt my attraction for someone grow and diminish as my feelings change for them and I’ve always wondered if this happens more to women than men since it seems that women’s attraction is more emotionally-based than men (or so I thought).

In a study by Match.com, results showed that:

Second looks can pay off. 35% of men and women had fallen in love with someone they were not initially attracted to. 71% became smitten after having great conversations or finding shared interests or both.

Have you ever experienced growing attraction? What is it that you think affects your level of physical attraction towards a person?

P.S. 35% of one-night stands turned into serious relationships!

Read lots of interesting facts about singles in America here.

I’m having a conversation with Shai on my post, “Meditation: Don’t learn from your experiences. Don’t learn from your experiences.” He thinks that women tend to be nicer than men.

I really don’t believe in that. I mean, it’s possible but it is not necessarily what I see. There is an idea that the structure of mitzvot (Jewish commandments) is built around this idea that men are not as good as women. It makes me feel good about myself but I honestly don’t know if I believe it. I wrote to Shai:

I disagree that there are more schmuk men than women. I do not know either way but I think there are a few different things that could be factoring into what you seem to be seeing.

First, I think that different things bring out shmukiness in different people. So, for example, it is possible that within dating, women hold it in more and with men it comes out more (not that I’ve seen that, btw).

Second, women talk more in general so I wonder if they are more verbal about the bad experiences they’ve had in dating.

Third, maybe women are schmuky in a different, more subtle, but just as schmuky way. And maybe, to go back to the second point, maybe men don’t talk as much about being treated in these schmuky ways. (I don’t know which ways this is, exactly… :)

Honestly, I have heard some horrible stories about how women have treated some men I’ve met. I just heard a story that, it’s hard for me to imagine a man ever doing it.

The fourth point: Maybe Shai just doesn’t bring out bitchiness in women and so he doesn’t see it. He says most of his experiences in dating have been really nice. Well, I’d have to say the same about my experiences! And yes, I date men. :)

This post better not become the perfect place for people to diss one sex but I am wondering, do you think one gender is more prone to niceness than the other?

And to all of you, no matter what the gender, be nice!

Photo by @boetter on flickr.

Interesting all the beliefs we have about singles, dating, single men versus single women…

Match.com just came out with a study that tests the most popular beliefs and, it turns out, a lot of them aren’t exactly true.

Are guys less interested in marriage and children? Are younger singles more promiscuous? Read LifeByte’s discussion of the results here:

http://lifebytesrealstories.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/single-in-america-fact-vs-fiction/

Lately I’ve been going out with a lot of Israeli men and I find that they are so much more romantic and gentlemanly than the English speakers I’ve dated. They are more upfront, they get crushes, they show their crushes and they take responsibility, following through to the end, whether it’s to continue dating or to say they aren’t interested.

I am amazed by the Israeli men I’ve been dating because I have missed this for so many years of my dating life. A man that is really pursuing me. A man that is being sweet and kind and wanting to do things for me. A man who is text messaging me roses (OK, that’s not for everyone but believe me, it’s an Israeli man who did it) and feeling sorry if I pay before he gets a chance because I’m not letting him be gentlemanly (which he is being in other ways anyway).

It could just be that I’m dating less religious men. I think that the religious culture has made religious men scared to be romantic. Scared to put themselves out there. They need to be tachles and hold themselves back until they know that the relationship is going somewhere concrete.

Being part of that sucks. BIG TIME.

It could also be that I’m more picky about who I date.

I don’t know what it is. But I found it fascinating that I just went out with a(n Israeli) guy who, I could tell around half way through the date, wasn’t interested in me. And I could tell you exactly what gave it away (I was right) but I think it might be that now I know what it feels like to be with a guy who is interested in me. Because these Israeli guys show it and I’m convinced that if he’d been interested, I’d have been able to tell.

I’d like to thank Israeli men for helping me believe that romance is an option. It can happen. And all of this is wonderful because it makes dating more palatable and hopeful.

P.S. OK fine, I should apologize to any American men who are gentlemanly. Of course you exist and I’ve dated a couple of you. And of course there are non-gentlemanly Israeli men but I’m picky about who I date so I don’t really end up with those guys.

I got myself into a little bit of doo-doo this week with all my anti-platonic relationship talk. I am nervous about the impression I’ve given but I do appreciate the discussion that happened here since it’s helped me figure out what it is I think about all of this and where it fits into my own life.

There are two main points that matter, in my opinion:

Cute friends

IMH(AAC*)O, opposite sex friendships are of a different nature than a same-sex friendship.

Say what you want, there is a different energy. You might be able to be friends with people of the opposite sex but I believe it’s never the same type of relationship as between you and someone of the same gender as you.

I have guy friends but have never found myself capable of having as close a friendship with a guy as I do with girls.

This is my personal experience. I think that as a result of the first point, I just naturally find myself building closer friendships with women than with men. Of course I assume that if that is how I am, then that is how everyone is.

I think I made it sound as if I don’t socialize with guys at all. This is of course not true. :)

I hope I sound a little less fundamentalist now.

*AAC = And Always Correct

Photo by mayurht on flickr.

Look, I’m sorry. I just don’t believe it. You might have friends of the opposite sex but I don’t think there is such a thing as a totally platonic relationship between a guy and girl. It always feels at least somewhat different talking to someone of your own gender and talking to someone of the opposite gender.

Here is the poll where I asked you if you’ve ever had a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Of course I was one of the only ones who didn’t lie :) because only 11% (3 people) said they’ve never had a platonic relationship.

If you haven’t voted, you still can. But the at the time of publishing of this post the results say that:

48% (13 people) have platonic relationships with the opposite sex all the time.

41% (11 people) have had once or twice.

11% (3 people) have never had a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

OK, whatever. :)

I keep hearing about women who go out with a guy and never hear from them again. One woman told me that from her perspective, that is the closure. Obviously if she doesn’t hear from him, he wasn’t interested, right?

Grand.

Someone else told me she tries to convince herself that although she feels very uncomfortable with the lack of closure, that, like the first woman, she’ll see the lack of phone call as closure.

The list goes on and on. I have another friend who went on an awesome date and then never heard from the guy again.

Another time, a friend was asked out, they were supposed to meet that evening but then they bumped into each other that afternoon. I guess after spending some more time with her, he decided he wasn’t interested and so just never called. This was after they even had plans!

Honestly, the list goes on.

And someone just pointed out to me that all the stories she knows of this kind are chutz la’aretz men. Men from outside of Israel. And she (she’s married with kids but feels for all these women) pushed me to give this shout out:

Guys, I don’t know where you come from. I don’t know what is going on in your heads. But adapt, gentlemen. I mean, be gentlemen! The lack of closure is extremely difficult (even when it’s supposedly obvious that the lack of a phone call means you aren’t interested).

Of course the more dates you’ve gone on, the more you owe her a call.

A special notice to the ladies:

Don’t let guys get away from this! When I need closure, if I don’t hear from the guy, unless I really prefer never to talk to him again, I will get in touch with him one way or another. Why would this ever change if guys get away with it? Yes, I tell him I think it was wrong that he didn’t call. And then, hopefully, I am given the closure I need (if he answers or calls back, of course).

P.S. Guys, if you can’t find it anywhere in your heart or soul to give the lady a call, freakin’ SMS her at least, OK?