HaBitza

I wonder, do you think you’re a good listener? Maybe you do. But especially if you’re a guy, chances are very high that there is room for improvement in your listening skills  (speaking from all my date experience). My main complaint after almost every single first date is that I didn’t feel like the guy really listened to me (aka, it felt like he wasn’t totally paying attention, he talked about himself way too much and he didn’t ask enough questions).

Look, it’s also my fault in a way because I’m a damn good listener and I think it blows people away. I mean, it’s exciting to have someone really listen to you and show interest, right? Especially since people are so easily distracted since the start of the cell phone era.

Of course all of this is extremely unfortunate because, alas, I do need someone who will actually listen to me.

Sigh…

But now my hope has been restored! Yay!

Please… for me and for the good of humanity, I think you should take this very telling listening test. Imagine finally knowing the truth about your listening skills!

You’ll need to find someone you associate with closely and ask them to answer the following 10 questions. (Honestly.)

The ultimate (or whatever) listening test

1. During the past two weeks, can you recall an incident where you thought I was not listening to you?
2. When you are talking to me, do you feel relaxed at least 90 percent of the time?
3. When you are talking to me, do I maintain eye contact with you most of the time?
4. Do I get defensive when you tell me things with which I disagree?
5. When talking to me, do I often ask questions to clarify what you are saying?
6. In a conversation, do I sometimes overreact to information?
7. Do I ever jump in and finish what you are saying?
8. Do I often change my opinion after talking something over with you?
9. When you are trying to communicate something to me, do I often do too much of the talking?
10. When you are talking to me, do I often play with a pen, pencil, my keys, or something else on my desk?

Sorry I’m not giving credit to anyone for this. A few sites published it so it’s hard to tell which is the source.

And now what?

Well, if you’re a great listener, then good on you and here is my phone number. :)

If you aren’t… Well, I’d just like to take this opportunity to warn you that it’ll take a really concerted effort to improve because, as a pretty damn good listener myself, I can tell you that really listening to someone so that they feel listened to, takes quite a lot of effort. Among other things, you’ll need to think about yourself less, feel comfortable just letting someone else talk, use some serious power of concentration and be patient.

But I believe in you.

And really the bottom line is that it’s all worth it because the benefits of being a good listener are that you get to make other people feel good and you’ll get the opportunity to really get to know some awesome people (who will remain nameless) who otherwise wouldn’t have been able to communicate with you beyond a first date.

Image by Brett Jordan on flickr.

I recently wrote a post about how I don’t know if there is a shidduch crisis. There might be but I think we should consider that maybe there isn’t.

But I’ll tell you what is a crisis (well, besides what I mentioned in that post).

I have a very neat life. Besides when I’m at work, I can lie down almost any time I feel like it. I can cook when I want, not cook when I don’t want. Yes, I have strains in my life but it’s nothing like couplehood and parenthood push people to grow (or not, I suppose).

You can have the most difficult job in the world – I’m not convinced it’ll show you who you really are the same way having a family does.

I am often so aware of the difference between mine and my siblings lives. They are exhausted and then go home to give their kids baths. I’m tired and so I end my day.

I am very blessed because they see my life as totally legitimate in its own right even though they could bombard me with requests 24/7 because I’m the single and so available one. But they don’t. And I thank them for that and believe it’s the best way they could be with me. Because my life has its difficulties on its own. My life is a full life. I am busy, I am productive… I’m doing things with my life.

But as much as I don’t wish for their lives (it often looks so unbelievably challenging), I do feel like there are some huge things I’m missing out on and that makes me sad.

So I guess that a loss in being single is not being pushed and pulled in the most meaningful way possible: in a family unit that you build for yourself. Then you get to see really what you’re capable of.

So much ado about nothing…

Check out this article about the fight against bachelorhood. Could you get more hysterical? Actually, hysterical in all meanings of the word. My God! The “matchmaking commandos” who are going to “storm every neighborhood in Israel.” The parents with insomnia, rabbis in a state of shock by this “urgent problem.” It really is quite appalling!

I have actually taken to the street as I eagerly wait to see us all die simultaneously of singlehood and, while we’re at it, global warming, too.

Needless to say, I am absolutely sick of being called a crisis. Yes, there is a “bachelorhood phenomenon,” and there are crises within the phenomenon (which I’ll expand on in a second) but the phenomenon itself seems more like a healthy reaction to certain changes in our society than anything else.

What type of changes? Well, for example, a very obvious one is unhappy marriages!

Worried we're contagious?

I actually think that people waiting to get married to the “right one,” even if it’s at a relatively much older age than was once accepted, is a healthy reaction to seeing close up and personally how miserable marriage can be with the wrong person (and attitude, of course).

I’m quite sure that it is much lonelier to be in an unhappy marriage than to be single. To pressure anyone into marriage is totally irresponsible. Pressure me to try a piece of the cake you just baked? Fine. But pressure me to get married? I really don’t see how anyone could pressure anyone else into such a serious constitution.

But I thought we do want to get married!

So, you might ask, what about the fact that many of us singles do want to get married? Does that not make it a “crisis,” the fact that we’re not succeeding in this task?

First of all, no, it doesn’t necessarily make it a crisis. People want all kinds of things and the lack of that thing, even for a large number of people, doesn’t mean it’s a crisis.

And what about the fact that so many people are honestly unhappy being single? They are sad and lonely being alone. And they yearn to be part of a couple, part of a family unit, sharing intimacy with someone, poppin’ out the babies, staying up all night, being exhausted…

Oh, I digress.

Both those points are totally legitimate. They are more legitimate than anything any “professional” or parent will say about the situation. A person’s preference to something, a person’s personal happiness – these are important things.

But I really wonder how much of a single person’s misery is their own and how much of it is based on the belief that their lives are just plain wrong and they don’t really deserve to be happy until they are responsible and right enough to get hitched. How much of singles’ misery is based on the fact that instead of living life to the fullest, as much as is ever possible (and it’s never totally possible so don’t idealize marriage too much), they are putting their lives on hold because they’re single?

I think it is a sin – a plain ol’ sin – to put your life on hold because you’re single. We do not know when things will happen (including death, btw, in case you didn’t think about that) and the fact that we all expect something to happen within a certain time frame when it isn’t something we totally control, is most probably slightly insane (to put it lightly).

We should be living our lives! Doing fun things. Studying, if we want. Travelling, if we want. Doing things that make us happy. Not feeling pressured to do things that make us miserable just to prove we’re being “responsible, one-track-minded singles.”

And that brings me to the true crises.

#1 People not being nice

Like anything in life, bachelorhood and specifically dating, are great opportunities to work on ourselves. The fact that there are so many stories of people not treating each other properly is absolutely terrible. Forget trying to get us married, dear professionals. How about focusing on something we all need – hitched and unhitched alike – and that is some good beatings for not treating each other kindly and respectfully. This is crisis #1 and I only wish that people would pay more attention to it.

#2 Unhappy marriages

Without a doubt, unhappy marriages is a much bigger, more devastating problem, than singlehood. The poor unhappy, lonely and trapped souls. I cannot imagine the anguish of being in an unhappy, or teetering marriage. Not to mention the heart-break and deep pain surrounding divorce. And, with so many unhappy marriages happening as we speak, you prefer to try to push more people into marriage (yes, push, by using fear tactics, among other things)?

As I said before, I think that hesitating before marrying is a pretty smart thing. And only in quite a few more years will we see really how many people never ended up getting married. Meanwhile, I will mention that I am surrounded by “older singles” getting engaged. They waited till they met someone with whom it feels right. And, as one groom-to-be said to me, “I think our generation is incapable of compromising on who we choose to marry.”

Why is that a bad thing?

#3 Unhappy people

All the shoulds in people’s lives are leading to so much unhappiness! I should date. I should get married. I should feel badly about not being married. I should worry about my biological clock. I should go to the singles event. I should go on that date. I shouldn’t buy a couch because I’m single….

It is a sickness. I know so many people who broke away from the shoulds of religion and then returned to religion in a much happier and healthier way. I wish people would do that with their singlehood. Ask themselves what is true about their shoulds and leave behind whatever isn’t (no matter what their rabbi says).

Put them all together and you’ve got…

I truly believe that if focus were given towards #1 working on ourselves as humans, #2 working on ourselves as couples and #3 trying to feel fulfilled and happy with whatever we have right now, more singles would find their besherts and be able to move onto the next stage of their lives with a much higher percentage of happiness after tying the knot.

It is not that I’m saying we shouldn’t be trying to get married. I myself don’t cease to make an effort to meet my beloved. Because that is what I want. But I don’t believe that wanting something very badly needs to make me feel like there is something wrong with me just because I don’t have it.

I don’t feel like a crisis and I wish people would stop freaking out about me and find something else to freak out about (global warming is all the rave, maybe you could check it out).

Look, as always when I rant, I feel badly to seem unappreciative of all these people’s efforts. But I think I have a right to be sick of being called a crisis and I think it’s OK that I can’t somehow find it in my heart to appreciate those who are pointing their crisis fingers straight at me. If you’re worried about the community, miserable marriages (and, God forbid miserable children) are way more detrimental than any happy or unhappy single. You might want to take a good look at that problem before you tackle me.

P.S. The name of this post is inspired by Benji Lovitt whose blog about Israel is called “What War Zone?“

Photo by ralphrepo on flickr.

From reading my blog one might get the incorrect impression that I am a very serious dater. Well, it is true that I am serious about my dating (whatever that means). But it is not true that I am all about being serious on my dates.

Being able to have fun with someone is key to a good relationship (at least for me) and if you really want to be a serious dater, you must be willing to have fun with the person you’re dating in order to seriously see if there is potential between you.

So, I believe that just hanging with the person, seeing where the conversation goes, seeing how much you enjoy just being with them… I think that is a very important aspect of “serious, tachles” dating.

On the other hand, if all you do with the person is discuss issues, future plans and religious beliefs, well, you’re missing the boat, if you ask me. Well, or, maybe if you can’t even get to a more chill place with someone, that in itself shows a lot about how much potential there really is between the two of you.

But does shidduch dating make it too difficult to just chill with someone? There can be something so dry and forced about a shidduch date…

What do you think?

The sick beauty of modernity is that we are so much more capable of hiding. Of avoiding people and never making peace.

I imagine in the olden days (the bad ol’ days, as we often say), for example, if you had a dirty break-up with someone, you then saw them the next day because, well, they were your next door neighbour!

Now, you can be rude to someone online and never see them again. You can go on a shidduch date with someone and hold things against them for the rest of your life because you never had to confront them about whatever bothered you.

I think it’s sick how easy it is to lack closure with people these days. Whatever… forget about the “these days” thing. It’s just so bad to be able to get away with lack of closure.

The other day, a service provider was rude to one of the women in the office where I work. I decided that we needed to get everything out with him and today, finally, after feeling nervous about it for a few days, I called to order from them again (they generally have amazing service which is what made this all so shocking) and then I spoke to him about what happened.

I was so nervous the whole conversation but it was so good. We each said what we needed to say and he apologized and that was that.

And, as my best friend just said, the interesting thing with closure is that when you have it, you just know it. You can really feel it. There is this sudden calm feeling of, “OK, it’s all OK now.”

And this feeling exists no matter how things end up closing.

And lack of closure? Uch! It’s such torture! Having thoughts going through your mind about the other person, about what went down between the two of you. About theorizing about the other person’s motives and feelings. And, ridiculously fantasizing about what kind of conversation you might have if you ever really did decide to have an open talk in order to clear things up.

I must say that one of the things I hate most is thinking about the people in this world with whom I don’t have proper closure. I absolutely hate it. A woman in Vancouver who I feel dislikes me forever. Another girl there who I never quite know what happened with her… It’s so hard.

I am so thankful that I do have closure with my exes. Thank God.

Why do you think it is that we seem to avoid conversations that could give us closure? Why does eternal hiding and avoidance seem so much more appealing?

Considering how marriage is viewed in the Western world, what a pedestal it’s put on, I am convinced that most couples must go through a certain amount of disenchantment after they wed, before they succeed in either settling into reality and building a nice home together, or else, divorcing.

It’s amazing how much we do have hopes for our marriages to be the ultimate in wonderfulness. It should fulfil us, make us happy (huh?!), make us feel constantly loved, never lonely. Right? Because it would make no sense to feel lonely when you’re with the love of your life, of course.

What a recipe for disaster. I think that any research showing married people to be less happy than singles is because our expectations for marriage are so high that it practically doesn’t stand a chance. On the other hand, many of us just see singlehood as a thing that is. It just is. So the lower expectations gives us a chance to actually feel happy when in it.

(Yeah, I know that singles are not necessarily happy but I’m not gonna go there right now.)

I don’t get it, though. I mean, has no one noticed the divorce rates? Has no one noticed how many people they personally know who are divorced or in unhappy marriages? How is it even possible that there is so much fantasizing about this institution despite everything we see around us?!

It is a true case of blindness and it’s amazing how, if people want to keep believing something, they can, no matter what they see around them.

Ah, but one might say that many of us singles aren’t getting married because we already experienced the disenchantment, outside of marriage, and so we aren’t willing to enter into matrimony.

But I think it’s the opposite. I think a lot of us have such high expectations from marriage that we’d rather stay single, even when we don’t want to be, and wait for the “right one,” rather than get married to the wrong person. (A most sane and genius decision, btw, if you ask me.)

I definitely think that a reality check pre-marriage is a safer bet than having to go through it post-matrimony. I have heard of marriages that went through a horrible first year and it probably had to do, in part, with detoxing from the fantasies.

I am not saying that we shouldn’t have hopes for our marriages. I think it’s good in so many ways to yearn to commit to someone in that way and yearn for the ultimate relationship with someone. And, of course, I do think that marriage has the potential to bring us lots of happiness.

But I think that it is not in anyway a fairytale. I think that one can feel sad and lonely in a good marriage. I think that one can be married to the “right” person and, at times, wonder if they made the wrong decision.

It’s complicated. Period.

Here is a video of a couple who got married in Joplin, Missouri, a week after a deadly tornado hit. It’s nice they’re getting married but so much weight is put on it, the whole thing seems so showy and fake… I can’t help but feel strange about the whole thing.

Need to give credit to Vera since it was from her I heard the idea of a series of decisions. I think I took it to a bit of a different place but this post is definitely inspired by her.

The bottom line of this post is that making no decision – staying in status quo – is a decision so it’s best not to get too connected to it only based on the idea that at least it isn’t a decision.

I sometimes get frozen in place with decisions I need to make. Whether it’s saying yes to meeting someone or telling someone I don’t want to continue dating them, it feels like such a huge responsibility and I don’t necessarily feel able to make such a big decision. So sometimes I consider, just because the decision feels beyond me, to just do nothing at all.

The thing is, not doing anything is a decision. There is an action in the lack of action and a direction of fate in that action. It may feel less scary because it is at least familiar, but even that isn’t exactly true. You think that keeping the status quo is familiar when, in fact, even the status quo isn’t staying. It is evolving. And you think it means you again won’t have to make a decision (as opposed to if you did break up with the guy or you did say yes to meeting the girl) but everything is a series of decisions and so every moment in which you stay in status quo is a new decision.

Basically, fear may at times try to take control but really it’s all freakin’ scary so may as well try to make the best decision you can, as unsure as you might feel, since consciously or not a decision will be made. And you would admit that conscious is the preferable of the two, no?

Me and Bubby at her birthday party last year. Hence the beautiful birthday crown. :)

This week was my grandmother’s birthday. This post is in honour of that very cool lady.

One of my bubby’s great successes in life up to this point is her ability to build and nurture her relationships. She goes above and beyond anything I’ve seen in order to create peace and build bonds.

My bubby has made two marriages work in her life. I consider this a truly amazing feat. I say it that way because although there is most definitely some luck involved in having a good relationship, I do think that a lot of it has to do with believing in the relationship, the other person, yourself and, of course, it has to do with a lot of relationship elbow-grease: working hard to make it work.

Considering her successes, once in a while when she just can’t help it but give me dating/relationship advice, I figure I should try to hear what she has to say (you know, despite the defensiveness and all).

So I’ve noticed that she keeps repeating the same advice to me over the last few months:

Deena, don’t forget. He doesn’t have to be perfect.

Considering it would make sense that this is something I know already, why is it that since she’s started saying that to me, whenever I keep it in mind, it eases my dating experiences and keeps me more properly focused? This is so peculiar considering I’d think I’m intelligent enough to know that nobody is perfect!

Well, obviously that line is telling me something I don’t know. Or at least something that is hard to really know all the time.

I think that maybe what it’s doing for me is keeping my hypersensitivity in check. I find that when I’m dating someone, because of the “forever after” factor, I could become hyper-aware of things about the person that, if they were just a friend, I wouldn’t necessarily pay much attention to. And if I keep in mind that the point of dating is not to find someone perfect, it relaxes me and allows to look at the person in a more chilled light. Which potentially keeps me open to good opportunities.

I definitely think that what my bubby is talking about, at least the way I interpret it, is not basic lack of perfection in humanity. It is more about comparing the person in front of you to the person you might subconsciously think you need.

My bubby is such a committed and romantic person. I truly believe that she has been able to let romance into her life by keeping in mind “He need not be perfect.” It has kept her open to the person standing before her.

Happy birthday, Bubby! Wishing you a wonderful year full of only good things for you and all of us, your family and loved ones.

“I’m sending you hugs and kisses. Mwah! mmm mmm” :)

When would you change your status from “single” to “in a relationship” on Facebook?

My personal preference – when I’m ever lucky enough to have this dilemma – is to keep my status as “single” until the very very (very) lucky guy and I feel relatively serious about each other.

One rooftop option for announcements

The fact is that the beginning of any relationship is precarious. (Beginning being anywhere from a few days to a few months, I suppose… and sometimes maybe even longer?) Really both of you barely know each other. Every day is a renewed test of your compatibility. There is no commitment and even if the couple is communicative, it is still only the beginning of learning how each person works.

This private and delicate process can be pretty scary because the fact is that one day things could be wonderful and hopeful and the next day some great relationship tragedy could occur. Is it really necessary to involve all of yours and your partner’s Facebook friends in that roller coaster ride?

Still I admit that with all that begin said, at times I have gotten a strong urge to shout out my news to the world. But maybe that could be part of the beauty: to have a secret from the world, share it only with your nearest and dearest, and hope that the time will soon come when it is appropriate to climb onto the nearest rooftop and make the announcement. Whatever happens, that is better than making a premature announcement.

As Tevia says in Fiddler on the Roof: Good news will stay. Bad news will refuse to leave.

So there you go.

And in case you’re wondering, today’s nearest rooftop is at facebook.com. (Don’t forget your fiddle!)

Photo by Jennifer Juniper mom on flickr.

Michael Makovi commented on my post “Soulmate – of course“:

Today, because it’s so much easier to satisfy our material needs, secondary needs – like romantic ones – gain more significance. That’s a major reason, I think, why marriage is so much more difficult today than it used to be.

I must say that sometimes I truly wish we could do away with all these principles of romance and just move on with our lives. Choose someone who’s good enough and start building a relationship and home together.

I really wonder… If I had in front of me a full list of all the guys I chose not to continue dating during my 10+ years of dating, is there anyone with whom I could have a good home now?

(Well, besides all my religious complexities and the fact I was dating guys who were too religious for me for so many of those years.)

Is it unrealistic that we are all looking for some kind of true love? Is that something only experienced by a small percentage of the population?

It seems that we are willing to sacrifice a lot for the ideals of true happiness, a deep relationship and self-fulfilment. I damn well hope it’s worth it.