I meet so many truly lovely men. You can just feel that they’re good with sincere intentions and they just want to find someone to love and give to who will love them back.
But there are two recurring themes amongst some of these good men which I think they would do well to cease immediately. These two traits, besides being unbecoming, are not at all conducive to building positive connections with people.
Here they are:
#1 – Talking and behaving like victims
Many nice men seem to believe that nice women are attracted to bad boys. As a result, they believe they aren’t able to find a nice woman for themselves. I think this is a crock of bull. Of course almost all the good women I know are in relationships with good men.
Whenever I hear men talk like this, it smells very strong of self victimization, the benefit of which might be an excuse to not have to take an honest look at oneself.
Considering the fact that this belief is probably not accurate, I wonder what it is that makes you speak that way – is it certain insecurities? And why is it you believe that many good women are incapable of making wise decisions for themselves? Don’t you think that’s a little condescending?
After considering those questions, maybe you could ask yourself what you might do to attract the women you want (hint: it probably has something to do with self-improvement, making sure your clothes sit right and being nice) and, very importantly, consider how you might widen the range of women in whom you find interest.
#2 – Being pushy
Another very disconcerting phenomenon is that of pressuring someone else to connect with you in any way.
Here is a very important fact: You cannot force a person to do anything they don’t want to do and if you ever do succeed in forcing someone into something, there is a huge toll being paid; at the very least, you are creating dynamics with the other person that are not at all conducive to a real connection, let alone a long-term, healthy relationship.
Listen up, well-intentioned man! Being pushy has the opposite effect.
So, when you feel a very strong urge to force someone into your life in any way (whether it’s anything from connecting on Facebook to connecting through touch), to the point where you begin to lose your self control and find yourself behaving in a somewhat desperate manner, do whatever you can to stop yourself immediately (hint: this probably includes finding a distraction).
All this goes for women too
As always, the truth is that this goes for women too. Of course a self-victimized woman or a pushy one is unattractive and it bears the opposite results too. I learned this the hard way but thankfully at a very early age. I was 19 and fell for a cool and very gentle and kind guitarist (see #1). Unfortunately it wasn’t exactly reciprocal. It took me around two years (!!!) to learn the important lesson of the futility of unrequited love and forcing yourself into someone else’s life.
And as for self-victimization, I have definitely experienced that feeling of, “There must be something wrong with this guy if he isn’t interested in me.”
And then I quickly move the heck on.
Waste. Of. Time.
Bottom line: Stop wasting your time and energy and find a nice girl to date. Just make sure it’s reciprocal.