How can we let people help us?
I’ve begun being in touch with a woman who is sincerely putting heart and soul (I’m not joking – you have to see how hard she’s working at it) into trying to help singles meet each other.
She is not being condescending. She talks about it and you can see that she is not looking down on singles but she sees there is a problem and wants to help.
And yet, it’s like pulling teeth trying to get people to bite her bait. She spends long phone conversations with people talking to them about the events she’s planning. And meanwhile, for all her good intentions, not to her face of course (or other people who are trying to help singles), the singles are hemming and hawing and complaining about singles events and “professionals” who are trying to help us.
It’s a really interesting thing, isn’t it?
I was just watching Pollyanna (so kill me) and Polly’s aunt forces her to go around town giving out charity – jars of jammed calf foot. Yum!
She is having the hardest time because people are angry with her for giving them something for free. She walks away from one old man she had given a jar to and says to the woman she’s with, “People really hate getting charity.”
Watch from 4:45 (is the sound totally off for you too?)
People don’t like being charity cases. People don’t like having people focus on what’s wrong with them. We really prefer if people don’t notice there is anything wrong with us at all. At the same time we’re hyper-conscious of what is “wrong” with us and we’re sure everyone else is focusing on that “wrong” thing too.
In our society being single is a big problem because we are instilled with the idea that as long as we haven’t succeeded in getting ourselves hooked, we don’t have concrete proof that we’re “OK.” So any help that comes our way can feel like the person helping is saying, “You’re screwed up so let me try to help unscrew you.”
This is such a delicate situation but we can use some help. So the question is, what help do we need and how should it be supplied?
What is the recipe for helping a group like singles who want to get married in the most positive way possible? I’ll start by giving #1:
1) Only help if you can honestly show that you have utmost respect for the people you’re trying to help.
Deena,
Are you implying that if we are single in our 20s and 30s, then there is something wrong with us? Is that what you mean by “People don’t like having people focus on what’s wrong with them. We really prefer if people don’t notice there is anything wrong with us at all.”
Framing singlehood within a context of “something is wrong with singles, why aren’t they married yet”, (which sadly is how it is often treated), doesn’t do any good for anyone. Viewing an issue in a negative context is a bad news already, simply because it is negative. Further, viewing a problem in a negative context pushes people away from who perhaps would like help otherwise.
I was referring to what we FEEL is wrong with us, not necessarily what actually IS wrong with us.
But regarding the negativity thing, on the one hand I totally know what you mean as far as the feeling (it feels bad when something is viewed as negative) but at the same time I think there is something wrong with thinking it’s bad to see something as negative. This is the world we live in and there are positive things and negative things and it always bothers me when people feel the need to only view things in a positive light. A negative thing (being handicap, for example) might also have positive sides to it (handicapped people might be more sensitive to other people’s plights, for example), but it is still not the ideal so why do we need to lie to ourselves about it?
Anyway, regarding us singles, I do not know if there is something wrong with us. But I do think a lot of us feel like there is something wrong with us or we question all the time, “Is there something wrong with me?” And a lot of us worry that others are looking at us, wondering what’s wrong with us. Do you not think that exists? That is what I was referring to.
And, I’m curious to hear how you think people could help us if they decide they want to. Or do you think people should mind their own business?
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me being single. I am singly because I haven’t met the right guy for me. Knowing that the right person hasn’t come along yet isn’t wrong. Wrong would be saying “yes” to a guy who isn’t the right guy for me, and most likely screwing up both of our lives together. That would be very very very wrong.
I am bothered by an idea that if a person is single by certain age, than therefore there ought to be something wrong there. The word “wrong” brings up feelings of shame, guilt, and judgment. Let’s be honest, we are being judged for being single still, and unmarried, and that is wrong.
In my early 20s I was very much aware of the fact that it would be wrong for me to be with someone because mentally and emotional I wasn’t in a good place to be a good partner/friend/mate/wife/etc to anyone. Looking back, I think “Was something wrong with me because I was single?” And the answer is “Of course not, choosing to be single was a responsible choice because I knew I needed to grow up first before becoming not single with someone”.
I know you a bit, and I don’t get a sense that you think there is something wrong with us because we are single. What I sense is pain, frustration, the desire want to meet your match already, and embark on a new journey together. Ok, I feel that for me too :)))
In past I used to think why am I single? What is wrong with me? I don’t anymore. I am 33 years old, a healthy adult in body, mind and soul. I am single because I am yet to meet a man who appeals to my body, mind and soul. And I choose to wait for that, instead of agreeing to leave a singlehood for a man who might appeal to my body and mind, but not so much soul. I am going to go clownish here for a minute, and point out that I have become a bit more selective in my older age :)))
Deena, darling, there are tons of variables that land us, the 21st century Jewish singles, into unfortunate situation of having a really difficult time finding a suitable mate. It is sad, but it isn’t wrong. It is what it is. Labeling it wrong doesn’t help.
So then the question what would help? First and foremost, putting a judgment aside and not looking down at singles is a must.
Ask us if we need help before assuming that we do, and proceed to railroad us.
And please please please, no freaking pity. I have met a lot of well meaning folks who wanted to set me up out of pity, so I could share the joy they found in their marriages. Folks, I pitied their ideas and implementations of their own marriages.
Don’t try to fix us. At 33 my character has been established pretty solidly. When I tell someone that I am chatter box with a strong personality, don’t ask me to hide it, change it, and/pr present myself as a quite girl. I am open to constructive suggestions, but denying the essence of who am I won’t work.
Ok, should I keep on going? :)))
I like how you expressed yourself here. I fully agree that there are so many factors that have ended us up here and to just blame ourselves is wrong. At the same time, I need to believe there is something that can be done to move the process forward.
Anyway, you said: No pity, no judgement and no assuming we need/want help. Good ones. And I said respect. Of course all these things are probably important for helping anyone.
Hmmm… But no pity? So what is the emotion one feels towards another when they feel bad about something that is happening to them?
Contemptuous sorrow is part of the whole pity feeling/attitude. I feel put down when I am pitied. Sad is better, being sad with me means you share my pain. Pitying me is you see my pain, but you don’t share.
I heard David Hartman say once (when the Pope was visiting Israel I think and going to Yad Vashem etc.) that true connection is not just when someone is willing to sympathize with your pain, but really shows when someone is ready to rejoice with you in your happiness.
Just a thought.
I don’t mind being single persay but I would like to meet a nice Jewish girl. But it has to be the right one. I’m not going to settle for the first girl who agrees to go on a date with me. And if someone wants to help me by introducing me to a girl then I don’t mind by this point. Haha, I’ve begun to have the Jewish Mother asking me when I’ll meet a girl and give her grandchildren. The joy of hitting your mid-twenties I suppose and not having “I’m working on my BA” as an excuse anymore.
lol :) Welcome to the club Matthew. Not that my parents put that kind of pressure on me, actually. I am lucky that way.
A person is only pitiable if they act or behave in a pitiable manner. If a person feels good and strong within themselves, then people generally tend to recognize this.
On another note, a person’s offer to help comes from many different places. Often a person would not even want to make an offer to help if they did not recognize a certain stregnth within a person or group.
If you would like to relate this to charity, (I am only choosing to do so, because you mention this in your intial blog). I personally don’t give to people who simply hold a cup and ask for money. I give to the ones who make an effort, (like the ones who play music, or try to offer something productive in exchange).
People who show that they truly are trying to help themselves are the only ones who can receive the help anyway. They are the ones who can put the help and assistance to good use.
I think that most married people who truly make the effort to help do so because they recognize how hard it was for them, or they identify with the pain, not the pity, that exists in others. Many just want to ease the pain. Sure many may do it for other reasons, but the real good doers I believe do it for that reason.