HaBitza

I find that one of the realizations I come to terms with as I mature is that no decision is perfect. “Something’s gotta give” or “tit for tat” is a natural part of every decision.

Oops.

The cool thing is that you might think that this realization makes a person more unhappy but it’s the opposite. Because when you are on the search for the perfect whatever, then there is constant disappointment when the perfect whatever never comes along. But when you know that nothing is perfect, then it’s just a question of figuring out what is most important and then trying to make the best decision accordingly.

Easy peasy, right? :)

But seriously, this also helps after you make your decision. Lets say you choose to take a specific job and then you come across difficulties. This is no shocking event. The only question is, are these difficulties that I can live with and does the good outweigh the bad in the larger picture? Is there something I’m currently gaining from this job (experience, money, a good work environment, whatever) that makes the difficulties OK.

It really is so much easier to look for things in life – whether it’s a neighbourhood, an apartment, a job or a spouse – when you know for sure that you won’t be able to check off everything you’re looking for in the “perfect” ____. Then it’s just the simple question of finding that thing that fits some of what you think you need and let those things make you happy.

See how mature I am? I amaze myself. :) I know. You wish you were me.

Photo by k.tommy now @ on flickr.

Chick:  Ugh, it’s all Yenta’s fault I’m single!  Now pass me a shot of vodka

Yenta:  Guilt:  all right, blame me, if it makes you feel better

Chick:  Guilt: who will you blame today for your singlehood

A little while ago I wrote a post, “How can we let people help us.” Micki Lavin-Pell, a marriage and family therapist was inspired by it and wrote a follow-up piece. We’re honoured that Micki has decided to share her ideas with habitza.com. Enjoy! Deena

It appears that some believe that getting help is for poor nebachs who get stuck in a rut and can’t get out. The truth about being able to receive help is that looking for help takes a lot of courage and guts. It is most certainly for the strong and not the weak. It takes a strong person to pull themselves up when they are feeling down and locate the resources they need for any given difficulty. People who feel lowly about themselves don’t get help and often remain in a stagnated state, as they find it hard to first admit that they are struggling with something and then go about getting what they truly need.

Everyone needs support and help. It is a very normal part of humanity. If we didn’t,  we would all be able to live like hermits, and what a boring society that would be (not that I have anything against people who want to live on their own, it would just not be much of  a society if we ALL wanted to live like that).  Think about the quotes about getting help, such as, “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

With regards to receiving help and wanting to get married, why is there any shame in saying, “I have not yet met my life partner and want assistance with being introduced to more people who are interested in getting married as well.”  I view getting help, as having a gap in information, or tools that I want to fill. If I want to improve my career, I find out what information is missing, and I learn it and hopefully it improves my skill-set. If I don’t have enough money, or I manage my money poorly, then I would go to a financial planner to help me figure out how to do that better.

"Between a rock and a hard place"

We are all brought into this world with no knowledge and we pick stuff up along the way.  Some of us are really great at socializing and schmoozing is just something we do, it is a very natural part of us. Some of us are simply people magnets, and we know how to attract others to us. Some struggle with meeting and socializing for a variety of reasons. This is stuff that can be changed and worked on.  It would seem a real shame if people who struggle to meet others could never have the potential to learn or adopt these resources.

For people who are really social and meet people quite easily, relationships are still difficult and complex at times. People often believe that once they enter a relationship they will no longer feel alone, or some of their other life struggles will melt away. Halivai that this were true.  It is a real blessing that in this day and age people who are struggling with creating, maintaining and sustaining a relationship have places to go for assistance.  How lonely would it truly feel if people felt that their difficulties were simply insurmountable, and that they had nowhere to turn?

Bottom line, only the person who admits that they need help, can actually receive what they need.  The only shame is for people who don’t allow themselves to find out what it is that they are needing.

Micki Lavin-Pell is a marriage and family therapist who has been doing a lot of work to help singles move forwards towards healthy relationships. This has included one-on-one work, couple work and organizing events. Her email is mgpell@gmail.com.

Photo by cupcakes2 on flickr.

Yenta:  remember, arrogance and total despair are built into the Jewish condition (with a heavy helping of guilt)

Chick:  get over yourself, you aren’t a loser nor are you the cat’s meow and neither is your date

On the bus now (with my fellow plebeians), we were driving up to a stop where a woman was sitting looking in the wrong direction. I was curious what the driver would do. He slowed down until he caught the woman’s attention and she immediately got up to get on the bus. Despite that he acted considerately, I did not see her thank him. Either way, the driver looked like he couldn’t care less that a) she wasn’t paying attention at the stop and b) she didn’t seem particularly appreciative.

And it made me think. In dating, I am like the bus driver. I pick people up every once in a while (hopefully less frequently than the driver) and I’m picking them up at different points in their lives. I could be picking someone up when they’re going through wonderful things in their lives and they’re feeling very happy and strong, and I could pick someone up when they are in a very unhappy place, dealing with lots of challenges.

So, I like the removed attitude the driver seemed to exhibit as if the woman’s actions had nothing to do with him. I know I’m totally reading into what I saw but I still like being able to learn something from it. Her actions really didn’t have anything to do with him. She seemed very distracted and it didn’t matter to him. He just did his job of picking her up.

What a beautiful thing to be focused on doing your job.

Photo by foxypar4 on Flickr.

Yenta: never tell your date you can’t meet cos you’re washing your wig

When we’ve brought up the idea of people smsing when they don’t want to go out with someone again (obviously before anything substantial has been built between the two people), people’s reactions were pretty strongly against the idea.

Here’s the problem. People are comparing SMSing a break up with phoning a break up.

Um, dunno if you heard but many many people aren’t phoning. So I think it’s wrong to compare smsing to phoning. It should be compared to leaving the person hanging.

And if you have to decide between not hearing anything from the person ever or getting at least a short sms saying, thanks but no thanks, good luck with everything, which one would you choose?

Photo by katielips on flickr.