HaBitza

This is in response to Deena’s post about that ole losery feeling.  I wish someone had recommended this therapy to me years ago!

Shabbat Shalom to all

What a perfect couple in a perfect world!

I know, that title is totally unattractive because who the heck cares about Korean TV besides me (and one other highly intelligent person I know)? This is not very good marketing on my part but if you’re reading this, I guess you clicked anyway.

OK, so here are my latest thoughts on relationships: They are messy. We freak out every time something gets messy but that is crazy considering messy is practically part of the definition of relationships!

I was thinking about this yesterday when I was watching love story movies at an event in Jerusalem in honour of Tu B’Av, the Jewish holiday of love (it’s today, btw). The funny/sad/interesting thing I noticed was that the movies I saw were all about heartbreak.  Um, it’s LOVE day, not heartbreak day!

But they weren’t only about heartbreak. They were about ups and downs. Sometimes it ended on a down (but you couldn’t help but hope a little) and sometimes on an up (they lived happily ever after). At first this theme bothered me but then I realized it is more realistic than just showing lots of happy people loving each other.

Now about Korean TV

One of the things I love in the Korean shows I’ve seen is that people say what they’re thinking to each other. We (read “I”) can deliberate for days over having to have a serious, possibly hurtful, possibly relationship-defining conversation with someone. But in the shows I’ve watched, most of the time, they just say what they have to say. They just put it out there.

I LOVE that. And it makes sense. Difficult things come up. We have this perception that the lovey-dovey relationship is the norm and everything else is bad and unhealthy. But it isn’t true. Lots of communicating and some difficult discussions is the norm.

So, I was trying to figure out what I want to write in honour of Tu B’av (how could a blog about dating not have anything about Tu B’Av?) and this is my message. That we should all be able to find someone we are interested in enough that we find the strength to bring up difficult topics with them. That we find someone that something about them makes us want to keep getting to know them and get closer to them. We should be able to remember that difficult topics is the norm and so not freak out too much about having to bring them up and that the struggle should still be minimal and lead to many very happy happily ever after endings very soon.

Happy Tu B’Av!

Photo by epSos.de on flickr.

This post relates to Deena’s recent post on being nice.  But perhaps this post isn’t nice…

I’m going to explain my central point here, as Deena says I’m too obscure – just stay with me willya!  So many stories build about dating situations, and each story impacts us, whether it’s based on truth or misunderstanding.  He wasn’t nice.  She wasn’t nice.  It was meant to be but didn’t happen.  These stories are for the most part negative, so their impact is negative, and as they build and make themselves at home in our psyche, they drip their daily drops of poison…often for years and years…

Every relationship that comes after suffers from these stories – and I stress that the stories may be completely true, the guy/girl may have behaved like ***@#@#, etc.  But have you never been in a relationship where the other person totally over-reacted to something and it turns out there was a previous relationship where someone did something similar etc. etc….

Ladies and Gentlemen – WHY WAIT?  don’t let that story build, and take control of your life.  Life’s too short.

You had a good time, you’d like to see the guy again, he didn’t call, you don’t know why, why wait?  Call him!

You had a great time, she’s nice, your therapist says you shouldn’t be in relationships right now, you’re still thinking of your old girlfriend, you’re not earning enough money to get married – don’t overthink!  Call her!

Until you resolve, you can’t move on.  Not in the relationship in question, or not to a new and better one.  And until someone calls, everyone is so mired in the story of the thing that didn’t work out, the person that didn’t behave nicely, that no-one moves on.  And no-one gets married.

This isn’t a case of nice or not nice, in my not nice opinion.  This is a case of sense or senseless.   This is a case of passing up on a good thing – or moving on to a better.  This is a case of giving your life over to your stories, or living it for yourself.

Say “what the heck”, try a glass of wine, try moral support, but just call.  The longer you wait the more the story and its baggage builds.

I just wrote a blog post about feeling like a loser because of my singlehood. (I’m not sure I’ll ever post it, right now it’s going to stay a draft.) You must understand, I do not actually think we are all losers but I think the losery feeling prevails among many singles after a certain age (the age differs depending on your background and personality). The “I’m a loser” voice probably follows a lot of us around and it’s a shame because it’s destructive and it’s a lie and it’s a story we’re telling ourselves almost as if it is what we owe someone as payment for failing to get married until now.

Not to mention that all this negative energy is bound to have an affect on you and your life.

Think about it. Let’s say you’re a single person who is very uncomfortable with your singledom (or singlehood, whichever). You are often acutely aware of how really very losery you feel about your singlehood.

Now, if you think this about yourself, what must you think of everyone else in the same situation as yourself, in the same singles scene as you? How much of what we think about people is based on who they really are and how much is based on stories we tell ourselves like: “Being single in your 30s, 40s is _____”?

There was recently research done on the high density singles scenes like the Bitza in Katamon, Jerusalem, and it showed that people lower their chances of getting married by living in these bitzot (swamps).

Maybe being part of a community everyone is a part of out of default (you want to be married but you aren’t married so you’ll just have to live in the Bitza until you finally get married) isn’t exactly healthy.

How do you feel about your singlehood? How do you feel about other people’s singlehood. And be honest! (At least you can write anonymously here, as opposed to me.)

P.S. To be clear, I am not saying people should leave the Bitza. I believe it’s very important singles have a place to be where they are comfortable and relatively happy. I’m only saying we must be aware of the repercussions and try to counter the negative ones.

Any note could get lost on this fridge.

Dear Deena,

Being passive aggressive is so cowardly. It’s also a little hateful and quite vengeful. But more than anything it’s cowardly and highly unimpressive.

I mean this with all my love and I’m asking you to please stop.

Thanks,

Deena

Photo by striatic on flickr.

You need to train for a marathon date. (photo by Deena)

I think a lot of us are often trying to figure out what is healthy expectations of relationships and what expectations are based on how Hollywood portrays relationships.

So, is a long date a good sign? And is a short date a bad sign? What if you go out with someone and you’re happy when it’s over after one and a half hours? What if you couldn’t have “danced all night” and you’re actually just happy to go home and watch TV?

Someone recently wrote on facebook that the only thing you need to know from a first date is whether or not you want to go on a second date. A date doesn’t have to be long in order to figure that out.

So, what’s the deal? Is the marathon date (first drinks, then a meal, then drinks, then a movie, then hang out (yes, talking, of course) at one of the date’s house) the beginning of a marathon relationship?

Here is our latest poll where we asked you if you would want to ask your date who they’d want to be if they could be anyone.  I have to say, we are so impressed.  At least one person (you know who you are) had the nerve to do it.  And to tell us about it through the poll.  If you feel like writing to us about the experience we’d love to hear from you.

It really is such an interesting question – and the answers can shed light on someone’s soul.  Personally I’d like to be… well, I don’t know really… there’s Queen Elizabeth but preferably living someplace with modern plumbing and no death threats, or Avraham Avinu (ditto about the plumbing)…or a brilliant concert pianist…Deena says she’s like to be a French nobleman living in a castle (ditto about the plumbing and the death threats)… so who would you like to be?

You can still vote if you haven’t and you can also see the results here.

You know where that’s from, right? The song “Fix You” by Coldplay. But it is the version sung by Young@Heart that just makes me cry every time, it’s so touching.

The thing about dating is that there is this recurring feeling of loss. The main thing we lose over and over again is hope. You have a date, you have an inkling (or more) of hope that something could come of it, and then it doesn’t happen. And there is a little bit of heartbreak every time.

No, it is NOT just a cup of coffee.

But I was thinking… Loss is such a major part of life. One of the main human fears is focused around loss. We are so scared about losing things, especially things that are not replaceable (like a limb, our health, our lives, the lives of others…). And so I wonder, is there a way to make peace with all the loss that is such an inevitable part of life? First of all, realizing it’s just a part of life reminds us we aren’t alone in the experience. Everyone has things they lose or fear losing. Second, maybe then it won’t be so shocking every time.

Many times people have told me I write what they are thinking/feeling. I am not sure if that is the case this time or if I am alone in this feeling of recurring loss through the dating process. Can you relate?

And just one more idea… I heard someone say this yesterday:

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is as it seems.

And here is another piece of wisdom (if I may say so myself)… For the person who is being treated not nicely (we are currently speaking of a case of a guy not calling a girl back in a timely fashion (or at all) after a date):

There is a fine balance between being pissed off and giving the benefit of the doubt.

This post is dedicated to all my dear friends and others who are hurt intentionally or otherwise by people who aren’t taking responsibility for their actions.

Here’s an idea (sometimes my ideas are a bit extreme so this is not for the faint-hearted): If you are that person that only calls a girl back if you had a good time, then maybe you shouldn’t be dating in the first place. If you cannot take responsibility for your actions (going on a date) to the end (calling either way), then maybe you don’t belong in this very fragile and often hurtful game of dating.

Can you tell I’m pissed? :)

P.S. This is written with humility since I am fully aware of my own personal dark side. I know I have hurt people. But what I write here still stands.

There is a very contagious disease going around called Long-Term Relationshipitis.

There are some topics I stay away from for the wrong reason. The reason being that I have very strong opinions on the topic and I am worried about offending someone. But I am feeling so compelled to write on this topic and considering I had one long-term relationship that ended with a break-up, I feel I can rightfully write about this and you can all just assume I’m writing about myself and not take personal offense.

Really this blog post should be shorter than that introduction above because basically all I have to say is: STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, what else is there to say when it comes to long-term relationships? No, seriously? What, that you’re still learning about each other? That maybe the issues you have will be worked through outside of marriage and then finally you’ll be able to get married? That you have some very specific problems with each other but you’re hoping that by dating for a few years you’ll finally figure out the solutions? That you’re scared there is nothing better out there so you’re dragging each other along for a painful ride?

I’m so upset about this because it so deeply pains me. I just look at long-term relationshipers and feel such empathy towards them. That feeling of getting older, feeling comfortable yet uncomfortable. Wanting to get married already but feeling something so strongly holding you back that you just can’t do it. Trying to convince yourself every morning and every night that things are good enough between the two of you. Crying and having a freak out any time you do consider breaking up because your half comfort with each other seems more doable than having to go back out into the dating world. And to be alone… And who knows what the future holds so lets just keep this mediocre thing up.

From experience, there is life after long-term relationship break-up. I promise. No, I didn’t say it’s an easy life but in my experience the pre-break-up was way harder than the post-break-up. Of course everyone will have different experiences but the fear of breaking up, the pain you experience for both you and your partner as you imagine going through it, is way harder than actually doing it. And then at least there is hope! I mean, as long as you’re with the wrong person, it’s confining and is like a dead end. The moment you release yourself from that, there is reason to hope that something better can come along.

Of course there is the possibility that you are with the right person right now… What do I know. I don’t know you or your relationship. But if you have lived the relationship responsibly (aka, communicating with each other, trying to work through things a normal number of times, getting help if ever necessary) and the problems persist and they are serious problems, say goodbye, please.

Photo by CarbonNYC on flickr.