HaBitza

Deena asked me what I used to do when I got depressed about being single, what helped me then.   (really, such personal questions!  ok, Deena, just kidding…)

It was an interesting question, made me think.  I can get depressed these days too – nothing has changed there.  Life is still full of challenges, insecurities, decisions, uncertainties.  Germaine Greer, I think, once wrote that people think marriage brings security, when it’s really the difference between one person alone on a raft in a raging sea – or two people on a raft in a raging sea…

For me personally the only thing that really helps is the same thing that helped when I was single – taking action.  Any action – preferably something that involves some form of movement, but also setting up a site, starting a movement, starting a religion (haven’t done that yet, working on it), writing a magnum opus, going out and doing something.

Any other suggestions?

Vera just wrote a blog post that really touched me. It was about how we need to be both students and teachers in our relationships. We need to be willing to teach the other person what we’re thinking, what we expect, what we want… The last paragraph of her post actually got me all teary-eyed because it was such a beautiful idea. Go read it!

But what about on first dates? Most of our dating experiences revolve around first dates (isn’t that so messed up?!). And who the heck wants to start giving someone who is practically a stranger feedback on how they’re behaving? You, just an innocent bystander to that person’s life, will not necessarily feel compelled to start telling the other person how to act.

I must admit, though, that I have done it. I have given people feedback on a first date. I once sat looking at a guy thinking, “If I want to give him any chance, I must tell him what he’s doing ‘wrong’ because if he continues acting as he currently is on this date, I already know there is no chance of this going anywhere.”

Maybe I was wrong but I didn’t think it was fair of me to just sit there with him, thinking what I was thinking, without telling him. I felt that telling him what was bothering me could help him (it was something that could change) and he seemed open so I was hoping he would be open to getting this criticism. I hope it was a good decision.

Maybe if I just back out slowly, no one will notice.

If you think about it, going on lots of first dates makes it very difficult to know how your actions are being perceived by others. Because it’s this thing you do over and over and over again but every single time it is with a stranger or someone who is practically a stranger.

We’ve probably all heard hundreds of stories… A friend tells you that they went on a date and they tell you what the person did that bothered them. But your friend didn’t tell his/her date what bothered them, only you, their friend. And that is what happens. Almost no one is getting direct feedback from their dates on how they were, what bothered them, what they liked, where they can improve.

One of the reasons I decided to tell the guy what was bothering me was that I thought he was a really nice guy and I figured that if he was acting that way on all his dates, he didn’t stand much of a chance. And I assumed that no one had told him this is a problem.

Yeah, but what, it’s my job to tell people what they’re doing wrong? Who put me in that position?

Well, no worries because I usually don’t. I really think that most of us don’t. And although feedback is very important for a person’s development, I cannot say I think that we should be giving each other feedback. We are practically strangers!

Not to mention that sometimes you so totally don’t want to engage with someone that the last thing you want to do is start giving them feedback on their behaviour because, if done right, it actually starts building a connection.

It’s a tough call except I think I know what most people do. Yeah, the quiet exit. The thinking possibly being: I don’t owe this person anything. I don’t even know them. The fact they have certain ways they’re acting that might be making it very difficult for them to get past a first date? Not my problem. Goodbye!

Photo by C.P.Storm on flickr.

It occurs to me that in relationships, we are the students and at the same time, we are the teachers.

How do we learn to have relationships with others?  Modern thinking would have it that we need to go to a workshop or a seminar to learn to relate – but I think most people know, deep down, that this isn’t true.  We learn to relate as children – and we teach our parents to relate to us as they haven’t done this before.  Even those parents who have a lot of children learn from each individual child about relationships with that child.

In friendships and dating – we learn to relate on the job.  Sometimes we mis-learn, the lessons are poor.  But I think that all too often, especially within the context of friendship and dating, we forget that in relationships we are the students and the teachers.  We abdicate our role as teachers.  We say “he/she just doesn’t know how to relate…”, we say “I shouldn’t have to explain this to him/her…”, to all intents and purposes we are saying – go do a BA in relationships and then maybe we can talk.

This is all too true in marriages as well.  We say “I’m not the mother/father here – I’m the partner!  I shouldn’t have to teach – if this person was a mensch they would know this automatically.”  Being a mensch isn’t knowing things automatically.  Being a mensch is listening when someone is teaching you how to relate to them, a subject that they are the true experts on, and absorbing and implementing the teaching.

I am the expert, at the outset, on me.  You are the expert, at the outset, on you.  Through the relationship I learn about you, and teach you about me.  You learn about me, and teach me about you.  And then the amazing starts happening.  I begin to learn from you – about me.  You begin to learn from me  – about you.  That’s when we are truly in a relationship.

Photo by Orin Zebest on flickr

On Sunday, Vera and I were talking about those instances when it actually does work. Man meets woman (Vera, happy?) and they actually get along. They actually enjoy each others company. They actually work well together. They might even decide to get married.

But truthfully, each of those moments in themselves is amazing. And I was asking Vera, what is it that actually makes these things happen in the end? Is it the person’s attitude? Did they make sure to be open-minded or stay in shape?

Vera said to me: Deena, it’s a miracle.

Simple as that. You can’t say that it’s because the person was giving off a positive aura. You can’t say it’s because they “deserved” it. But, as Vera said, maybe what we need to make sure of is that we are open to miracles so they can come into our lives. It sure would be a shame if a miracle had to pass right by because it couldn’t find a way in.

ROAR!

I’m considering getting “ROAR” tattooed onto my forehead so that maybe no one will every say anything to me about singles, dating or anything in between.

ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Come here if you want me to eat your head for lunch.

Oh, I do have it tattooed on my head. :)

Someone married (not Vera) was just saying to me that she has often been misunderstood by singles. She has commented on singles blogs or communicated with singles in different ways, giving her opinions on different things, and singles have taken her words to mean more negative things that she intended.

Um, do you think that maybe, just maybe, some of us are a little – only a little – defensive when it comes to our singlehood?

Like, I’m not saying for sure and I’m not saying EVERYone, just SOME people so please don’t bite my head off. :)

Ouch! That hurt!

Photo by MacJewell on flickr.

This is the latest question going around. Well, in my little world, at least. Why is it that for some people dating is so difficult and for others it’s really not a big deal or it’s even – gasp – enjoyable?

Today I went for an “interview” about volunteering at a certain organization. I have gone for interviews for paid positions of similar nature. Oh the difference.

Going to the volunteer interview didn’t actually feel like an interview at all. I of course wanted to look normal but I felt no need to put a huge amount of energy into how I looked. I actually dressed down. I didn’t wear any make up (I always do to an interview). I was just excited because I loved the idea of volunteering for this organization and I loved the idea of having the opportunity to do this type of work, get the experience, get out, meet new people, etc. etc.

I also went with the attitude of, “This organization will be pretty lucky to have me.”

Who AAAARE you?

I basically came in as myself. And that isn’t too shabby a person.

On the other hand, when I go to an interview for a paid position, I’m so nervous. I freak out before, put on make up (is that the same thing as freaking out? :) ), prepare, try to think about what they might ask, hope I’ll make a good impression.

Yeah, then I also go in as myself but it’s a very nervous self. I still think I make a pretty good impression but it’s not the same as seeing me when I’m feeling relaxed.

It’s such a dream being able to approach things the way I did this interview. Imagine going on a date with this attitude. Maybe then it wouldn’t be so difficult.

Yeah, this isn’t some fix-all solution but I do think that it could help my dating experience. What is your attitude when you go on a date? And are you one of the dating sufferers or dating enjoyers?

Photo by di bo di on flickr.

Cary Grant (appearing opposite Vera Resnick - my dream come true)

Challenge:  no mice, just psychodrama

OK, OK, the mice thing was a silly question…those of you who voted made that abundantly clear!  50% of you said it, so I’ll bow out on that one…

So here’s the new challenge – would you ask your date: if you could be someone else for a day, who would you be? (Mickey Mouse isn’t an option, that belongs to the previous poll…)

Photo by A Continuous Lean at flickr

Age – a sign of the religious/secular divide?

Someone told me recently that the ultra-orthodox and the secular have very different attitudes to a guy who’s married an “older woman” (don’t know why I put the quotation marks, it just seems that the expression should be accompanied by a drum roll, melodramatic violins and possibly a greek chorus).

Apparently if a guy in the ultra-orthodox world talks of being married to a woman who is older than him, his peers will commiserate, suspecting that there must be something wrong with him if that’s the only shidduch he could get.

In the secular world, I’m told, having a wife who is an “older woman” (drum roll etc.) is something to brag about.  The guy will find himself slapped on the back, winked at, and other guy things which as a mere female I can only guess at.

Vive la integration! (forgive my pseudo-french)

If I created the world it would be a really boring place to live.  It’s true.  Everything would be as I planned it, but I don’t have divine imagination.  I don’t have celestial breadth or depth of thought.  I’m not even good at painting.

In situations where I control all the parameters – there’s no place for the unexpected.  For the flash of insight.  For the miracles.

I think that’s part of the difficulty with dating sites, and with some matchmakers.  You control the parameters through the profile, through your “shopping list”, your definitions of what you know would be good for you.  But think of the amazing things that have happened in your life – could you have planned them?  Could you have guessed that it would happen that way?  That job? That event?  That meeting?  That guy/girl?  What about the surprise parties that were great even if you announced in advance that you hated surprises?  What about the times everyone ignored you when you said “don’t bother, I’ll clear up after the meal, I prefer to do it in my own time” and your table and kitchen were clear and clean with so much less effort?  What about the times you said “I can’t be bothered to do/go/see…” but you were dragged into it and had such a great time?

On the other hand – if you don’t control the parameters you could land up with the empty dates, the evenings where you wonder why you hate yourself so much to do this to yourself.

Food for thought.  I have no answers for anyone on this – maybe someone out there does?

should you blow your own trumpet?

As an ex-Brit I tend towards understatement.  After moving to Israel I learned you have to be careful with that – when someone asks you “Are you good at ….?” and you respond, offhandedly, “well, I’m not bad at it…” – they take you at face value and go to someone else.

So how much should we hype ourselves?  In today’s sales-oriented world we’re taught to call ourselves President and CEO of the International Tubular Intervention Company (plumbers), Chief Planner and Project Manager for Informal Education with Youth at Risk (mothers), you get the idea…

The result is – loss of trust.  A sense that whoever we go for, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.  The ramshackle office that has a huge glossy full page ad in the yellow pages, the large experienced company that turns out to be a one man show run by someone who qualified last Tuesday at 3 p.m., the gorgeous picture or profile on the dating site that turns out to be airbrushed and polished into something which has about as much connection with reality as a cucumber resembles a hairbrush (well, after several weeks mouldering in the fridge anything can happen…).

The dilemma is harsh.  I think the only thing that can help is a worldwide movement to restore the values of underestimation, to ferret out those who constantly blow their own trumpets and confiscate the instrument, I’ll just go get the t-shirts printed at the Worldwide Fashion Internet Emporium (kiosk down the road), and polish my sign telling people the truth.  I’m G-d’s right hand woman, honest.

Photo by Sara Bjork on flickr