HaBitza

Lately I find myself looking back at my dark and murky past (please don’t be too offended if you were part of it) and thinking dark and murky thoughts like:

What was I thinking???

Was my brain on strike???

Were my friends all on vacation????

How could I do this to myself????

Was I insane????

Did I have so little self-respect????

Something about dating seemed to authorize the total shutting down of any social survival skills, something about the people around me saying “you’re not getting any younger, you know” seemed to send me in a spin of acceptance of behaviours from guys whose mothers should have washed their mouths out with soap many years ago, something in the situation made me forget that I, too, was created in the image of G-d…

This shut-down can happen in so many situations other than dating.  It can happen at work when you put up with behaviours because…, it can happen as a parent when you accept abuse from inside or outside your family because…, and if you see someone else going through these experiences it’s so obvious that they should just boot the offenders into kingdom come, but when you’re going through these experiences yourself the excuses you make for the other person are so creative you could win a Pullitzer.

So the moral of the story is… I don’t know, probably something along the lines of “it doesn’t have to be this way”!

It's a mouse!!!

Well, are you scared of mice?  If not, why not?

What scares you more, mice?  Or asking someone if they are scared of mice?

Do you do the jumping-on-the-chair-screaming thing?  The nonchalant macho pick-it-up-by-its-tail-and-throw-it-out thing?  The pretend-to-ignore-it-while-edging-your-chair-into-the-next-room thing?  Why do you do what you do?  Are you willing to explain it to someone else or does the thought get you jumping on a chair screaming?

I’m impressed that people were willing to take up the camel challenge.  Now let’s see how you do with smaller creations.  Here’s the old poll – I was particularly impressed that people wanted to know how the camel felt.  Now if you can show the same interest in how your date feels you are definitely on your way!

Photo by Bascom Hogue at flickr

Yes, there is an elephant in the room

So, you’re sitting with your date.  And you realize that he has a weird grey streak in his hair.  And he says he’s been in the army and was in Lebanon.  Do you ask?

You’re out with a woman.  You’re a cohen.  She’s wearing a ring that looks suspiciously like a wedding ring.  No-one told you she was divorced.  If she is, you might not be able to marry her.  Do you ask?

You’re sitting in a cafe.  Your date says hi to a girl sitting with another guy who you notice as you walk in.  He seems very friendly with her.  He offers no explanation or introduction.  Do you ask?

Your date is sitting there wearing a gorilla suit.  Do you ask?

Your date is wearing a top hat and tails, and it looks strange on her.  Do you ask?

There’s an elephant in the room.  Do you ask?  Comment?  Or does it have an SEP field around it (Douglas Adams’ immortal physics/psychic construct – SEP = Someone Else’s Problem.  An SEP field makes large objects – such as dirty laundry, invading aliens and the ilk – invisible).

Personally, I think it’s more fun to ask.  Walk on the wild side, for a change.

Photo by BitBoy at flickr

Question:

I’m going out with this guy who said something really strange.  He said he thinks he wants to marry me, but he’s not sure he’ll be able to be faithful as he doesn’t find me so attractive.  We’ve been seeing each other on-and-off for around a year.  Should I just totally dump him?  He can also be really nice, interesting, sincere, but he said he told me this because he felt he should be honest.

Jane Doe, Jerusalem

Tanu Rabanan:

Thank you for writing to us. Sounds like an interesting dude. He’s “nice,” so you say, but he’s not sure he feels like being faithful…?

Um, nice?

There are basically two reasons you should end contact with him ASAP. First, the obvious – he doesn’t view faithfulness in the highest regard. Second, he told you he doesn’t find you very attractive. I don’t think anyone should ever tell anyone that. The fact he did so shows a huge insensitivity and if this is how he is on his best behavior (aka dating behavior), then how’s he going to be once you’re married to him and he becomes more relaxed?

You need to focus on finding someone who really appreciates who you are. He doesn’t have to love everything about you but should at the very least be attracted to you and do his best not to say or do things that will hurt you.

Behatzlacha raba!

Deena, The Swamp

I was just reading in Mashable about a dating website, OkCupid, that really tries to learn from all the information they get from their members’ activity on the site. A lot of it sounds very interesting but I wonder if the latest change to their site is more helpful to the site and less helpful to the users.

According to the blog post by Samuel Axon in Mashable, they’ve split their users into two groups: the more attractive half and the less attractive half. Now, the more attractive will be more likely to see each other in their searches. As Samuel wrote:

A dating site needs attractive users to thrive, of course. They’re more likely to remain active on the site if they’re easily able to reach men and women they consider desirable prospects. And since they’re attractive themselves, their continued presence will drive pageviews.

Beautiful…

True love, right there. Because they are both of equal beauty.

Read the whole blog post in order to understand how the site figured out who is considered more or less attractive.

I have heard a theory that people are attracted to those who they think are on the same attractive “level” as them. My friend Ahuva told me another theory, which I like a lot more, that attractiveness is not a hierarchy. For every look there are people attracted to it and people not attracted to it.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in the second theory (a little in the first as well) and based on the second theory, it would seem detrimental to start manipulating the results people are getting from their searches based on something that the users themselves might not find helpful.

To me it sounds like they’re taking more control than they should and that always upsets me. I’ve had people make assumptions about who I want or don’t want to date and I usually wonder, “Why don’t they leave that decision to me?!”

What do you think? Would you be happy if you were on a dating website that started manipulating who you are going to meet on the site?

(btw, check out the OkCupid blog. It’s actually really interesting!)

Photo by Kjunstorm on flickr.

Question: How many guys can one date at a time before it gets rude? This is in the early just dating phase, before commitment, exclusivity, or anything of that sort.  I like examining all options, and I don’t like to block options off before researching them thoroughly, which is why I might take on several options at a time, but at what point am I going to piss people off?

Deena: This is a question I feel I need to answer by just saying how I personally deal with it since I think it’s very subjective and I’m not necessarily convinced that my way (which you’ll see is very “strict”) is necessarily the right way for everybody.

Basically I do whatever I can not to get involved with more than one guy at a time. And by “involved,” I mean even in a very minor way. There are two reasons for this. First, I find for my own emotional health and for my sanity I cannot focus on more than one guy at a time. It just doesn’t work for me. It stresses me out. I need to just focus on the guy at hand and get to know him without comparing him to anyone else and without having to try to remember who said what, who I laughed with about what, who I went where with, etc..

My other reason for sticking to one at a time is that I cannot help but have a cheating feeling if I involve myself with more than one guy at a time. A relationship is built on honesty and openness and if you are doing something that you need to keep as a secret from a person with whom you are possibly starting to build a relationship, it just doesn’t make sense to me to do it! I am not saying you need to feel open with someone immediately but you should not feel like you’re keeping something from them specifically because it is a secret from them.

I cannot say, though, that I think it’s morally wrong to be involved with more than one guy at a time when we’re just talking about the first couple (or maybe few) dates. I know that people do that, I have no idea how they deal with it, but if it works for some people (I mean really works), then maybe it’s not a bad idea. I would just say you have to be really careful (and for that you need to be really honest with yourself) not to hurt yourself or the guy(s). Dating can be hard enough as it is.

Vera: It seems that your question isn’t so much how you will feel dating several guys at the same time, but that others will be angry with you for doing so.  Perhaps the answer is to be completely up front about it.  “Multi-dating” is going on anyway amongst singles, when people feel that since at the beginning there is no “relationship” so why should there be a problem.  I think the secretiveness around it is more of a problem, the feeling that you have to skulk around if you’re meeting a second guy, worried that you’ll be seen by the first etc.   More food for thought than a definitive answer!

Good luck!

What’s wrong with me?  What’s wrong with you?

If there’s something wrong with you – maybe that means there’s nothing wrong with me?

We live in such a critical society, so often people look for something to criticise just to make small talk.  Clothes, walk, behaviour, attitude, friends, family – it’s all up for grabs.  And it’s such an unproductive waste of time and energy.  Criticism gives us nothing – certainly when we’re on the end that’s dishing it out, and most of the time when we’re the ones on the receiving side…

At the risk of sounding Polyanna-ish (and what’s wrong with that, I’d like to know), isn’t it time we either looked for the positive in others, or just accepted them as they are and moved on?  I hear people after they go on dates giving a litany either of what was wrong with the date, or what’s wrong with the dater.

I think it’s a better idea to talk about the weather.

I know, I’m just so young and chipper, it’s hard to imagine, but one time, a while back, I wanted to attend an event. (No, that’s not the surprising part.) I was looking into it until suddenly I realized I was above the age range! When I noticed this, it seriously made me feel like such a dud. But I really wanted to go so I spoke to the organizer and ended up attending the event because it turned out the age range was not strict. But still…

Whenever I see that events have age ranges, I wonder about those who want to attend but don’t fit the criteria. On a personal level, as long as I fit the range, I am grateful because I don’t want “old men” hitting on me. But then I start wondering if it really is a good idea to segregate different age groups so much. Yes, it makes a lot of us feel safer but it’s not exactly a perfect solution.

You know how they say “it takes a village”? Well, I imagine a village as a place where all ages interact with each other on a regular basis. Today we are so segregated. I (theoretically) love the idea of different “kinds” of people hanging out together. Young, old(er), people with different opinions, ways of life…

It takes a beautiful Chinese village called Hong Cun.

We’ve gotten “spoiled” from living the urban life. We are able to be really choosy about who we hang out with and it probably creates a certain narrow-mindedness and narrow-experienceness.

So, honestly, I just don’t feel like I can hold it against someone above the age range when they show up at an event. I feel bad that it must be somewhat demeaning for them but from what I see, there are all these great events for “young adults” and not so many for anyone past a certain age. You know, old people might want to have fun too!

Speaking of fun (something I don’t know much about), I went into the GAP recently and noticed that the women’s clothes were boring and the girls’ clothes were amazing. I mean amazing. Colourful, interesting, fun… Who is it who’s deciding what is appropriate for what ages? Sheesh.

P.S. OK fine, I do know about fun. Taking a nap, eating caviar… Um, watching documentaries… I’m a barrel of laughs.

Photo by Chi King in flickr.

Question: It’s so depressing! I try to be happy for other people when they move forwards, start a new relationship or whatever. But sometimes it gets me so down. Suddenly just in the last few days I keep hearing about people in new relationships and I find I’m so jealous! I don’t want to be jealous but it’s so hard. How can I be happy for these people?

Answer: I hear this so often (and have felt it too…) both personally and professionally.  It’s the old “zero sum” view of life – there are limited resources/men/women/money/clients etc., and while we’re agonizing or obsessing about other peoples’ successes and our own failures – we’re paralyzed.  It’s almost impossible to do our own thing effectively while that mindset rules.

I find it helpful to think of peoples’ lives as parallel train tracks.  Everyone has their own, and they can’t crash into yours.  The tracks stretch out ahead of us towards eternity.  Other people may be further along than I am, but the only way I can move ahead is to focus on my tracks, my life, my purpose – my dreams.  I can yell words of encouragement to those near me – and they can encourage me too.  We can help each other – but we all have our own tracks to follow.

Our true happiness is on our own track – not on someone else’s.  It’s our own personal treasure at the end of our own personal rainbow.  From what we do, from what we experience, from our own existence.  Not from comparing our incomparable selves with others.

Someone decided to send me this absolutely depressing article (in Hebrew) about what it’s “really” like to live in the Bitza.

I actually think that the writer is clumping two things together – her personal experiences with people in general and the specific experience of living in the Bitza.

For example, she wrote that living in the Bitza means knowing that no one is really your friend.

Um, yikes. How do you choose your friends?! And, that is something that any married person could say as well, depending on who they choose as their friends.

She also said that living in the Bitza means not feeling connected to your Judaism anymore, it means going to synagogue though not actually praying, it means never giving anyone a real chance to become more than just friends…

To say that no one in the Bitza is a real friend is terrible. To say no one is sincerely religious is unfair. But at the same time there are some things that do feel true to me.

For example, she said that there is not a lot of depth in people’s interactions with each other. Sometimes I find that the get togethers and parties stay pretty on the surface but I wonder if people are having more meaningful interactions in smaller groups.

She said that when you talk to people in group settings, no one is looking you in the eye because they’re always checking what’s going on around them. This often seems to be the case.

Who's acting like a frog?

She said that people wait until the last minute to decide on their Shabbat meal plans because they’re worried a better offer will come along. Well, I’ve seen and heard this quite a lot so I tend to believe it! I have seen myself almost start to do it although I try to stop myself.

All in all I think her article is depressing. Some of it seems to be about the Bitza and some of it seems to be about how she chooses to interact with people. But does it need to be as negative an experience as the picture she draws in her article? I really don’t think so. I can’t think that because then it gives us no hope of creating a positive, supportive community for ourselves!

I think that no matter what your personal status is, surrounding yourself with a good community can be challenging but it’s possible, it just takes effort.

Photo from Evelyn Saenz on flickr.