HaBitza

How to behave on a first date: (anyone been on one of these? my sympathies)

Be horrible
Be rude
Be unpleasant
Be loud
Flirt with the wait staff
Flirt with anyone else around
Slurp your soup
Play with your food
Eat with your mouth open (even though in some cultures apparently this is appealing…depressing.. )
Make a fuss over the bill
Talk about yourself non-stop without showing any interest in the other person
Demand to know if they are frum enough
Insist that you’re frum but cool
Boast about the people you know
Boast about the people you’d never hang out with
And if anyone calls you on this – just say:
“I was only trying to be myself!”

By the way – this is meant to be satirical. Please don’t take me seriously. This is not serious advice on how to behave on a first date. Or on any date. Although sadly some people do feel that being married to someone entitles them to do all of the above – but I digress.

What do you think? I think being on your best behaviour is probably a safer bet. If you want a second date, that is…

Curious how lately we are hearing from people in different stages and situations.  I remember being told when I was single, after hearing about a relative who had gotten married several times, “why aren’t you clever enough to get married at least once!” I find myself hearing echoes of the responses of other readers to different situations, writing imaginary comments (well, actually also echoing some comments we’ve received) such as:

For those who are trying to decide whether to stay in a relationship:

consider yourself lucky you can get a date!

For those getting divorced:

at least you managed to get married!

For those talking about where it’s best to date:

And how do I get a date exactly?

For those who complain about matchmakers:

what matchmakers! no-one ever sets me up!

And on a cynical note for those in divorce process (this one was overheard on several occasions from different people so no, I’m not quoting you, over there, who’s thinking that):

Divorce? who could afford divorce???

So, is the grass always greener?
Is the shidduch always better looking?
Is the matchmakered couple always happier?
Is it better to endure the slings and arrows… (or is it better to forever hold my peace…)

Well, at least Shakespeare was married, sorta…

Today I mentioned to a friend that if someone is being rude when they’re trying to be on their best behavior – specifically, on first dates or when first meeting – it’s a bad sign. She pointed out to me that maybe we are trying to be on our best behavior but maybe some of us do end up being on much worse behavior than the norm.

So, which behavior are we on on the first date?

…they live happily ever after!

Supposedly this is part of a "typical" Russian wedding. See? He just grabbed the closest "nice" girl and ran!

Last night a friend of mine said to me that he believes that most probably, if a nice guy and a nice girl from the Bitza community were to just decide to go ahead and get married (minus all the hemming and hawing and dating), it would work.

Who’s willing to give this theory a try? : )

Photo by Délirante bestiole [flying foxy] on flickr.

I’ve been asking women how many times they’ve been asked out in the last six months and though it’s such a private question, some people have been willing to answer. The numbers for most have been very sad.

See? The 20% is falling!

Last night one guys pointed out to me that it is probably a very small percentage of women who are getting all the date requests.

Is that true? That is very disheartening to say the least.

Photo by debs-eye on flickr.

Someone tonight said to me that maybe people don’t naturally want to connect, something I wrote as an assumption in my blog post answering Shmuley Boteach’s article.

What do you think? Do people naturally want to find someone (or people) to connect to or is that not a natural thing?

In Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s article, How to fix Orthodox dating, he shares a few thoughts regarding what he sees as problems and he writes a few tachles solutions.

The pros and cons of natural settings

One problem he mentioned is the lack of an environment where something can develop naturally. I can see what he means. When you have a separate seating wedding, you’re asking for trouble. I don’t get it… Has someone seen people acting terribly inappropriately at weddings, shiurim and concerts that they had to start being separate? I know a rabbi who says: OK, you want separate seating at your wedding? Fine, the couples can sit separately but the singles must sit together. Yeah, that’s an awesome approach to separate seating (not that I actually believe there is any awesome approach to separate seating besides not having it to begin with).

There might lack natural settings where people can get to know each other but at the same time, I’m living in Katamon, the Bitza, the epitome of natural settings. In singles communities like the Bitza, there are plenty of opportunities for natural developments but yet there is a lack of these developments for some reason. I have had a couple of guys tell me that they have choice over-load which makes me think that, sorry to be a bore, like almost everything in life, it’s a matter of balance. You want to have the opportunity to initiate a natural interaction with someone of the opposite sex but maybe when it becomes such a norm, it isn’t conducive to dating – let alone marriage – anymore.

The problem is that these Bitza-like communities are imperative to people’s sanity. Many singles will say that being single in a predominantly family-oriented community sucks, to say the least. Which makes me think that Vera is right (as she wrote in her article in Jpost on the topic of singles and the larger community) that it is a larger community “problem,” not just a problem for singles to contend with. Imagine if communities worked to assure that singles actually felt totally comfortable being part of the conventional communities… I wonder what would need to change in order for that to happen.

Feeling a lack of control because of too much third party involvement

Boteach wrote the following statement:

…in the religious world where dating is so often dependent on third parties making introductions, young men and women are at the mercy of others to meet a potential spouse.

I so agree. When people are going through a challenge in life and they feel like they have almost no control over it, it is a very disheartening and difficult experience. It is also not true. Read more…

With such a long title, need I write more? : ) Well, I guess the question is, what is it about this pretty wide-spread belief that bothers me so much?

Um, the fact it’s not true, for starters? The fact is that I, and many other women I know, are not looking for bad boys. We are looking for lovely men who will treat us nicely. OK, I’m not looking for a push-over doormat but that has nothing to do with being nice.

And to spread that rumour that really we’re looking for someone who will act like a bad a– (oy), is a major misrepresentation of women, I believe. To be sure, when a guy is treating me nicely, shows he cares (sincerely), is sensitive to my needs, is a good listener, asks me questions about myself, etc., this is what attracts me.

Bad a-- waves

One possible sad outcome of this rumour, if it’s believed, is that it might make some guys think they need to be focused not on being good people but instead on being bad boys. And it probably makes a lot of nice guys think they have no fighting chance.

Look, maybe you don’t have a fighting chance with women with skewed priorities but why would you want to be with someone with skewed priorities anyway?

Well, unless, of course, you like that kind of thing. And in that case, it isn’t the women wanting bad boys but the guys wanting bad girls! : )

P.S. Please take the word “bad” with a grain of salt. Thanks.

P.P.S. Vera also just wrote about this topic. It just keeps coming up, now doesn’t it? Read her post here.

Photo by mikebaird on flickr.

Seriously, how many times do I have to repeat this… to myself, of course? Sheesh.

I find 99.99% of the time, when I go through an experience with someone and I’m upset at the other person about how they acted or reacted, that when I bring it up with them and ask them what was going on on their end, I quickly (or sometimes slowly) realize there was more to it than I thought and I had no reason to feel upset at them.

So, without getting into details, I was at a social event not long ago and was a little annoyed when the people I was talking to had the opportunity to introduce me to someone new and they didn’t. When I asked one of them afterwards what happened, he explained his thinking and it was totally different than what I’d imagined.

To begin with, it was not just a lack of awareness nor was it thoughtlessness. And, probably most importantly and interestingly, it was fully thought out, on the spot and he had my best interest at heart.

Yeah, this giving the benefit of the doubt thing is a definite work in progress but meanwhile, I think that asking people what they were thinking is a good way to slowly train yourself and not hold grudges. And to learn to understand people.

Good luck. :)

What does it mean to be a good dater, I wonder. I suppose it means different things to different people at different times. But probably one of the most natural responses to that question would be: The person who meets the right person and gets married.

But meeting the right person is something that we don’t fully control, right? So yes, it would mean not marrying the wrong person and being able to tell it’s the right person sitting across from you when that happens (please God soon by all of us, like this week) but what else would qualify you as a good dater?

I think one of the main successes while going through something that is so often not easy at all is to continuing being nice, kind and respectful to everyone with whom you come in contact.

מה עוד? What else do you think qualifies a good dater?