Get over your talk of shidduch crisis or I will disengage!
Danger! If you don't get married quick, you might be struck by lightning.
This evening, a friend of mine sent me a few links to documentaries that have been done about the horrid (in their eyes) singles/shidduch crisis.
Let me just say: DE-PRE-SSING! What the heck is the deal?! One of the documentaries that was specifically about the Jewish singles “problem,” was so doomsday that I was surprised the sky didn’t fall just from watching the trailer! The other one wasn’t about the Jewish singles tragedy :) but about the American one and that was only slightly less depressing because at least it was easier for me to remove myself from what I saw and heard. And that one was missing the Jewish leaders who looked sadly at the camera, telling the world how terrified they are by what’s going on.
(I debated whether or not to share the links… I will keep them out for now until I decide if I want to show them here, after I dissed them like crazy. Sorry!)
I watched the trailer focused on the Jewish singles “problem” a second time and then suddenly realized what issue I have with what I saw. The problem is that it makes me feel like crap. I watch it and I have to regroup, regain the confidence that is important for me to walk around with on a regular basis.
It makes me feel like these professional and leaders of the Jewish community are looking at us and tsk-tsking and pointing fingers, tilting their heads in wonderment and trying to diagnose what is wrong with us. It makes me feel ostracized by the community and it makes it 100% clear to me why so many thousands of singles withdraw from the mainstream community to form their (our) own communities. If that is the attitude being received by singles from matchmakers (at least two of the people interviewed are matchmakers), rabbis, rebbetzins, etc., no reason to stick around.
It makes me understand a bit more, what Vera’s issue is with calling what’s going on a “problem.” If it creates that attitude of pointing, accusing and diagnosing as if there is a plague, I don’t want any part in that. It does not feel constructive at all.
Don’t get me wrong. I still cannot help but consider the current situation a problem, because so many people don’t want to be single, but are. But so many of us singles have a hard enough time as it is feeling good about ourselves and not down on ourselves for being where we’re at. It’s hard enough as it is living life to its fullest when there is something big missing that we wish we had. And, when we don’t have the ongoing support that marriage (a good one, of course) potentially gives, life takes a lot of strength (I know it always does but certain things are more difficult than others).
I have a friend who often says that instead of telling singles what they’re doing wrong, it would be nice if once in a while, when a matchmaker or relationship expert gets up to talk to a crowd of singles, he/she lauded the praises of the audience. That’ll be the day!
One more thing. Stop talking about marriage as if it’s the ultimate goal! “Marriage is a commandment”?! (That’s a quote from one of the trailors… :) ) Which number commandment are we talking about, please?
If a committed relationship is a certain life goal, then it is not just marriage in and of itself but a happy and peaceful marriage that is the goal. Ignore that part of the goal and you are possibly pushing people into very bad situations.
I truly hope that Habitza isn’t depressing the way these trailers were for me! I (and probably Vera too but I don’t want to talk for her) want Habitza to be a different kind of place. A place focused on positive growth, on opening our minds, on being friendly and supportive and having fun. On living life to the fullest!
Peeps, please don’t let the people who look down on us get you down. As I meet more and more people in the singles scene(s) in Jerusalem, I am continually amazed. Such wonderful people! Yeah, we’ve got our problems like everyone else, but it’s hard to believe we are plagued more than anyone else. Wearing a wedding band does not mean you are more together and normal. And, not wearing a wedding band doesn’t mean you aren’t Mr./Mrs. Awesome! :) And, if you were able to follow the double negative, you are most definitely awesome!
Happy Pessach!
Photo by zigazou76 on flickr.
When so called experts make documentaries like the ones you are describing, it only makes me feel that they are acting out of a lack of gratitude. They have been blessed with a spouse or partner (well we hope they consider it a blessing) and now they think that they can criticize those people who don’t have this same blessing. It is important for everyone to keep in mind that finding a soul mate is as much a blessing as it is the work of our own hands. As long as a person is open to meeting and dating (or even just deciding not to live on a deserted island) we should be considerate and understanding of their hardships and not judge them.
Would we find it acceptable for a wealthy person to criticize those less fortunate than him for not being on his level of social standing? Yes, he can argue that they people need to work hard and be entrepreneurial in order to be rich! But how many people do we know who fit these criteria and yet are still struggling to make ends meet?
Let’s not become conceited when God gives us a blessing. Accept our gifts with gratitude. That is all.