HaBitza

Devora Mason wrote the following comment on my blog post “Get over your talk of shidduch crisis or I will disengage!“

When so called experts partake in documentaries like the ones you are describing, it only makes me feel that they are acting out of a lack of gratitude. They have been blessed with a spouse or partner (well we hope they consider it a blessing) and now they think that they can criticize those people who don’t have this same blessing. It is important for everyone to keep in mind that finding a soul mate is as much a blessing as it is the work of our own hands. As long as a person is open to meeting and dating (or even just deciding not to live on a deserted island) we should be considerate and understanding of their hardships and not judge them.

Would we find it acceptable for a wealthy person to criticize those less fortunate than him for not being on his level of social standing? Yes, he can argue that these people need to work hard and be entrepreneurial in order to be rich! But how many people do we know who fit these criteria and yet are still struggling to make ends meet?

Let’s not become conceited when God gives us a blessing. Accept our gifts with gratitude. That is all.

I want to start a section on Habitza dedicated to…

THE REAL REASONS WE ARE NOT MARRIED!

Here’s a new one!

Who could open this bottle of wine for me? I'm sure you'll make a wonderful husband.

Because I won’t let the guys open the wine bottle for me. :) – I’m serious! When I didn’t let a guy (who only meant well and definitely gave me ample material for Habitza, with his OK) take over opening the wine bottles last night (a job I had already begun and happen to enjoy doing), he said that if only I’d let the guy take over, he would immediately ask me to marry him and love me for ever and ever.

Wow! Really? If I only had known it was so simple. Of course there was no mention of me loving Mr. Pushy back but I guess that’s just clouding the issue with facts. :) (Oh, and I shouldn’t call him Mr. Pushy? Damn, it’s getting more and more complicated!)

Ladies and Gents, send them my way! What reasons have people given you (or hinted at) that you aren’t married? I’m sure it’s often amazing and very creative, some of the reasons people can come up with. :)

Photo by Liza31337 on flickr.

Oops, did I think that doing my "falling off the cliff" trick would impress you?

Today I got an insane amount of Habitza material from conversations with friends…. Too bad I couldn’t take notes! Gotta try to remember everything.

First: We were talking about pick-up lines. One of my friends has the book, Venus and Mars on a Date… John Gray gives some examples of pick up lines and so many of them were corny and would sound rehearsed if used. But I said, no matter! I mean, obviously at least try not to sound ridiculous when trying to pick someone up. BUT! Going up to a stranger or partial stranger or friendly (or friend, for that matter) to try to get to know them better and maybe ask them out, is so hard, we’ve gotta be forgiving! If someone actually makes the effort, shouldn’t part of the experience be having corny lines said, being awkward, not coming across to someone how you’d want to come across? And yet, both of you staying in it to see for a moment if there’s anything work checking out?

And, considering the fact that almost no one does it in the communities of which I am familiar (tell me if I’m wrong), seriously it would be better if more people were asking each other out with corny lines rather than not asking each other out at all.

Um, hey… So, I couldn’t help but notice your cute smile from across the room… Would you, um, wanna get together sometime for some herbal tea?

Photo by AndyRob on flickr.

Why is this night different from all other nights?

Probably one of the best questions to ask in any relationship!

If you feel you’re getting bitter herbs – leave.

If you feel this is someone you can lean into – stay.

If you feel this is a salt-water immersion relationship (lots of tears) – leave.

If you feel this is all about matza – well, I don’t know, depends how much you like matza…

Have a great Pessach/Passover/Nervous Breakdown!

And to leave you with one of my favourite passover clips:

Danger! If you don't get married quick, you might be struck by lightning.

This evening, a friend of mine sent me a few links to documentaries that have been done about the horrid (in their eyes) singles/shidduch crisis.

Let me just say: DE-PRE-SSING! What the heck is the deal?! One of the documentaries that was specifically about the Jewish singles “problem,” was so doomsday that I was surprised the sky didn’t fall just from watching the trailer! The other one wasn’t about the Jewish singles tragedy :) but about the American one and that was only slightly less depressing because at least it was easier for me to remove myself from what I saw and heard. And that one was missing the Jewish leaders who looked sadly at the camera, telling the world how terrified they are by what’s going on.

(I debated whether or not to share the links… I will keep them out for now until I decide if I want to show them here, after I dissed them like crazy. Sorry!)

I watched the trailer focused on the Jewish singles “problem” a second time and then suddenly realized what issue I have with what I saw. The problem is that it makes me feel like crap. I watch it and I have to regroup, regain the confidence that is important for me to walk around with on a regular basis.

It makes me feel like these professional and leaders of the Jewish community are looking at us and tsk-tsking and pointing fingers, tilting their heads in wonderment and trying to diagnose what is wrong with us. It makes me feel ostracized by the community and it makes it 100% clear to me why so many thousands of singles withdraw from the mainstream community to form their (our) own communities. If that is the attitude being received by singles from matchmakers (at least two of the people interviewed are matchmakers), rabbis, rebbetzins, etc., no reason to stick around.

It makes me understand a bit more, what Vera’s issue is with calling what’s going on a “problem.” If it creates that attitude of pointing, accusing and diagnosing as if there is a plague, I don’t want any part in that. It does not feel constructive at all.

Don’t get me wrong. I still cannot help but consider the current situation a problem, because so many people don’t want to be single, but are. But so many of us singles have a hard enough time as it is feeling good about ourselves and not down on ourselves for being where we’re at. It’s hard enough as it is living life to its fullest when there is something big missing that we wish we had. And, when we don’t have the ongoing support that marriage (a good one, of course) potentially gives, life takes a lot of strength (I know it always does but certain things are more difficult than others).

I have a friend who often says that instead of telling singles what they’re doing wrong, it would be nice if once in a while, when a matchmaker or relationship expert gets up to talk to a crowd of singles, he/she lauded the praises of the audience. That’ll be the day!

One more thing. Stop talking about marriage as if it’s the ultimate goal! “Marriage is a commandment”?! (That’s a quote from one of the trailors… :) ) Which number commandment are we talking about, please?

If a committed relationship is a certain life goal, then it is not just marriage in and of itself but a happy and peaceful marriage that is the goal. Ignore that part of the goal and you are possibly pushing people into very bad situations.

I truly hope that Habitza isn’t depressing the way these trailers were for me! I (and probably Vera too but I don’t want to talk for her) want Habitza to be a different kind of place. A place focused on positive growth, on opening our minds, on being friendly and supportive and having fun. On living life to the fullest!

Peeps, please don’t let the people who look down on us get you down. As I meet more and more people in the singles scene(s) in Jerusalem, I am continually amazed. Such wonderful people! Yeah, we’ve got our problems like everyone else, but it’s hard to believe we are plagued more than anyone else. Wearing a wedding band does not mean you are more together and normal. And, not wearing a wedding band doesn’t mean you aren’t Mr./Mrs. Awesome! :) And, if you were able to follow the double negative, you are most definitely awesome!

Happy Pessach!

Photo by zigazou76 on flickr.

The duckies are FREEEEEEEEEE

With Pessach around the corner (omigosh, it’s less than two days away!), a lot of my thoughts, or the things I read and hear, connect back to the idea of freedom. Personal freedom from different things that bind us in our lives.

Today I was reading a book which freed me. I thought something was important – well, I decided it was important without giving it much thought – and the author helped me become conscious of that.

The author told a story about a young woman who called him with a problem. She’d met a guy who she obviously liked on a certain level, but he had never finished his bagrut (high school). She didn’t see how he could be a good husband or father if he couldn’t even be responsible enough to finish high school.

The author wrote that he knows plenty of people with first degrees, second degrees and doctorates who are very unhappily married and people without “appropriate” diplomas who are very happy. He said that having any of these pieces of paper says nothing about what type of person they will be in the home. What is important is if the person is a kind, good person and if they are responsible.

The writer then brought himself as an example. Turns out, the writer, who is today a family therapist, never finished high school! On the other hand, the girl he fell in love with was already a teacher and vice-principal when they met and yet she was “willing” to be with him. He has since finished his BA in Israel and MA in England.

He owes all of his success, he says, to his wife who supported him to fill his potential.

You know those searches you can do on the dating websites? I suddenly realized that I automatically click that the guy should have at least a Bachelor’s! My goodness! To think of all the totally decent guys not even coming up because I’m clicking something so unimportant.

The dating websites can actually exacerbate this problem by giving you even more ridiculous options for your search. Taste in music, where you like to hang out… All these things that, in my opinion, have nothing to do with a good relationship! My parents have very different taste in music. It’s actually nice to see how that works.

So, if he’s a mensch and an electrician… Seriously, what’s the issue? If someone wants to set you up with someone and it turns out he’s a plumber, is that a strike against him?

This year, may we all be freed from the inhibitions we place on ourselves so that we can fill our potentials and be open to seeing potential in others.

Happy Pessach!

(I want to give the reference of the book but I received it in a weird sort of way which I can’t mention here so I truly apologize for not giving credit to the writer. I hope to mention him and his book later.)

I don’t know why my idea made me think of this game. Do you remember it? We played it in school where each person picks a name of another student out of a hat and then secretly sends them fun packages and messages all week?

Anyway, not exactly the same thing, but how about if we get a group of friends together – one of those groups from the Bitza that consistently hang out together – and ask everyone to write on a piece of paper, who in the room they would be willing to go out with on a date. You could write one person or more. Then, someone takes all of the papers and checks to see where there is mutual interest. If there is, then you set them up!

It could work amazingly because if you have a secret crush on someone, then, if the other person doesn’t write you down, they’ll never know so it isn’t awkward and you’ll know that they aren’t interested in you. On the other hand, if you both say yes, why not give it a go?

What do you think? Yeah yeah, tell me it could never work, burst my bubble. Fine, I won’t even post it if you’re all so negative! :) Kidding. :)

Shabbat shalom!

P.S. Or maybe we really should do Gamad V’Anak! It’s fun, if nothing else. (What’s it called in English?)

That is probably the longest title I’ve ever had for a blog post. It may even be longer than the content itself.

This is just what I imagine some guys saying to me when I keep going out of my way to show them how awesome I am. They may see that I’m lovely and cute and funny and whatever else it is I imagine my beshert appreciating about me, but that doesn’t mean they want to date me, let alone marry me.

So, lets say it all together:

I rock.

You rock.

We all rock.

But we just don’t necessarily want to rock together.

P.S. Reminds me… Years ago I needed to get over a guy. I called him up and asked if we could meet. We sat on a bench and I told him that I needed to hear it from him that he really isn’t interested. He said: “I want both of us to get married, just not to each other.” : )

stumbling block - does this look like anyone you know?

This is right out of the creation story and echoes down the millenia… she ate from the apple, he took it, ate it, enjoyed it, and when asked by the Deity insisted “she made me do it…”

To add insult to injury – yes, many of us  like trying new foods but what’s wrong with that – women are told not to do all kinds of things in Judaism because they may be acting as a stumbling block, causing the men to trip and err.   Many of the modesty prohibitions fall under this category.   Surely the guys should be able to take responsibility for their own moral behaviour – despite whatever is going on around them?

Food for thought…

At a certain party I attended recently, I noticed that the marrieds tended to sit together.  And because this was a mixed age event, the main topic of discussion was “how did you meet? and how did you know?”  (When I’m with older marrieds the discussion seems to focus on food: what are you cooking for shabbat, what will your kids eat, are your kids cooking for shabbat, will you eat, what did your hosts cook for last shabbat, did their kids eat it…senility does not come out of nowhere, it starts very slowly,  creeps up on you, and now I’ve forgotten how I wanted to end this sentence, which blog is this anyway …)

So how did marrieds meet?  And how did marrieds know?  And with so much knowing around – how come anyone gets divorced?

• Sometimes “I know” simply means: I know my parents will disinherit me if I don’t marry her.
• Sometimes it means:  He’s such a good person, a tzaddik, he’ll be such a great father, I’ll learn so much from him.
• Sometimes it means (from true story, I kid you not):  He’s so masterful, tells me what to do the whole time, he’ll be perfect for me.
• Sometimes it means:  He looks just like Richard Gere (yes, I’m dating myself).  Maybe this is the most romantic scene from “Pretty Woman”?
• Sometimes it means:  My Rav said I have to get married to the third girl I date.  She’s the third, she seems OK, let’s go for it.
• Sometimes it means:  She’s the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever dated.  Her parents have money.  What else do I need to know?
• Sometimes it means:  She’s got an apartment.  She also smiles nicely.  Let’s do it.

The only thing I think you can know when you’re with someone is how you feel about yourself when you’re with them.  If you leave a date feeling confident and energised.   If you feel you look great.  If you feel like smiling a lot.  If you sing for no reason.  OR… If you find every time you see him you feel admiring and totally inferior.  If you feel unattractive.  If you feel stupid.  If you feel you shouldn’t sing because you don’t sing well enough.  If you feel you don’t do anything well enough.  The list is long.

The most important thing to ask yourself after the date is not: how do I feel about him or her.  It’s “how do I feel about me”.  And then maybe, possibly, you’ll know enough to allow the relationship to bloom.