HaBitza

Need a Nanny, anyone?

All was quiet in the swamp.  Except, perhaps for the sound of a frog sneezing.

Prince Charming was visiting his old friend Froug, who’d developed a cold in wherever frogs develop colds.

“How goes, Frougy, old chap?”  Prince Charming was due to date an English princess, and was trying out his British accent.

“Rotten luck, old chap, what! what!”  he continued.  (non-Brits may have difficulty understanding, patience…)

“I’m miserable!” moaned Froug, sneezing into a large dock leaf.  “Look at those married frogs, they get sick and their frogettes bring them hot swamp soup, their tadpoles sing them ribbiting lullabies, and I’m miserable!”  Sneeze.  “Nobody cares!”   Cough.  Ribbit.  “It’s not ribbiting fair!”

“Come on, old boy, cheer up, you’ll get over it in no time!”  Prince Charming was also practicing a certain British form of speech, which involves ignoring problems till they go away out of sheer humiliation.

“Really,” continued Froug through blocked whatevers, “that’s the worst thing about not being married – no-one to love you and look after you when you’re sick.”

“Years (upper class Brit way of saying “yes”), years, but I don’t think any of my princess date options would want to take care of me, har, har, what! what!  They’d leave that to Nanny, or Nurse, or something…”

“But what’s the point of getting married if they won’t even look after you if you’re sick?” asked Froug despairingly.  “And I so much wanted to marry a princess!”

“Well, old boy,” answered PC, sniffing from a snuff box and sneezing explosively, “at least that way, what, I don’t have to look after her, har har!”

“Oh, is that a good thing?” asked Froug, perplexed.

“Years, years,” responded PC earnestly, “you see, Nanny looks after everyone!”

In the real world, many nanny-less singles groaned vastly.  Plus quite a lot of married princes and princesses.  Accompanied by the sound of sneezing, coughing and virtual violins.

Ribbit.

Photo by playingwithbrushes on flickr

In a recent post, Deena wrote:

There is a feeling that we have to be on our best behavior and really quite perfect in general, until we meet someone who will want to marry us.

What is this “feeling”?  Who created it?  Who subscribes to it?  Who supports it?

I’ve heard a lot about a “feeling” that one should be a certain way, act a certain way, believe a certain way, for whatever reason, towards various differing purposes.  But that feeling only has power for those who believe it, support it, internalize it.

You can choose how you feel.  You can choose whether to accept what you believe to be a society norm, an accepted rule.  You can choose to accept some kind of status quo in dating – or you can reject it.  You can decide to dress differently, act differently, say the unexpected, do the unexpected – these decisions usually don’t cost money (unless the clothes or activities are expensive…), don’t require someone else’s permission, they are all inside you.

But they do require something important – courage (or a drunken stupor, which sometimes is the same thing).  The courage to take very small steps in listening to the small voice inside that is complaining “what’s with the brainwashing?  why can’t we do what I want?”

If you support this “feeling”, in any area of social activity, not just dating, a “feeling” that something is required, that something is expected, then you are supporting that feeling.  You are paying the dues that strengthens its existence.   But if you bring your own, unique, G*d-given perspective and soul-sense to the issue, you can create something better, for yourself and for those around you.

It is RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINING in Jerusalem! Thank God. Lets take the wonderful feeling we AAAALL get when it rains (OK fine, I know I’m almost the only one who love loves LOVES the rain) and lets take some of the positive energy from Gene Kelly as he sings in the rain:

She looks so happy. :)

It’s ridiculous. There is a feeling that we have to be on our best behavior and really quite perfect in general, until we meet someone who will want to marry us. Yes, some external pressure can be a good thing, but there is something majorly wrong and very personally destructive if you suddenly notice one day that a lot of the decisions you make are based on the question: “Will this bring me closer to or further from meeting the guy/gal of my dreams?”

You should be acting in the way you want to act because you believe in it. If you notice your decisions are almost totally based on your expedition to meet your soulmate, guess again. Means you’re very possibly not being very true to yourself.

Story:

Mr. Fake met Ms. Faker at a party.

Well, I dunno, what happened next? You tell me. Did they get married? After the chuppah, did they suddenly find that the real them didn’t exactly match so well?

FREE YOUR MIND!!! (Not very tzanu’a video, fyi…) And be real (please God).

Photo by cesarastudillo on flickr.

Mistakes – an Ode

Everyone makes them
When you’re dating, you make mistakes
When you’re married, you make mistakes
When you’re a child, you make mistakes
When you’re an adult, you make mistakes
When you’re asleep, you probably make mistakes (snoring etc.)
When you’re awake, you definitely make mistakes
When you’re sick, you make mistakes
When you’re healthy, you make mistakes
When you’re religious, you make mistakes (although some don’t own up to it)
When you’re secular, you make mistakes (even though you might be “secularer-than-thou”, ‘fess up)
When you’re in school, you make mistakes
When you’re working, you make mistakes
When you are in the depth of despair, you make mistakes
When you’re deliriously happy, you make mistakes
When you think you’re perfect, you make mistakes
When you think you’re worthless, you make mistakes

Mistakes are probably as much of life as breathing (some of us are mistakes, but that’s a whole other story).  There are probably those who will say we even make mistakes when we’re dead.

Moral of the story?  If we’re going to make mistakes anyway, we might as well enjoy them?

Look, the options are either to hear my deafening silence or hear my rant slash cry. And I figure maybe you have something to gain by understanding that it’s not always easy, life, and writing. And writing here.

I keep feeling like crap. I keep feeling really down on myself and honestly, like I shouldn’t be writing this blog. I know it’s BS but I keep thinking about all the mistakes I make in dating and I think of the guys I’ve left in my evil wake who are probably reading this blog, or thinking about me when it’s all over, saying to themselves, “Who does she think she is, writing a blog about dating?”

Why the heck do I do that to myself? I mean, I know myself. I know that I do my best, within my capabilities, to leave no victims. I actually think I do a pretty damn good job, considering the difficulty. That still doesn’t mean there are no victims. But that isn’t necessarily my fault. Yes, I might make mistakes but so often it’s just the situation. It’s the dating in and of itself that creates victims.

The dating world is harsh. You wish you didn’t have to put yourself into the big, wide unknown over and over and over again, but there isn’t really any other way. So you do what you have to do in order to reach your goal. The goal you know you may never reach.

I am not trying to ignore my responsibility. Believe me, I go crazy, trying to do the right thing, act the right way. But this world of dating means that you have to deal with all kinds of personalities and attitudes. They smash up against yours and you try your best to make it OK, to make it work, and then when it’s not going to work, you try to end it nicely. But you might be hurt or angry so within that emotional rollercoaster you’re lucky if you’re able to keep both of your psyches intact.

Times that by a hundred and you’ve got a very difficult situation.

In Raise your kids without raising your voice, Sarah Chana Radcliffe says that a negative experience has a way stronger effect on us than a positive one. So true. Say something nice, it feels nice. Say something mean, it feels terrible.

A date that doesn’t work out is a negative experience (who is it who said “it’s just a date”?). It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. No matter who said no, even if it was both of you, there is an ‘ouch’ factor in it. A sucky factor. It feels bad. And bad feelings feel very bad, especially repetitive ones.

Someone asked if my writing on HaBitza.com wasn’t becoming more depressing/depressed. Well, if this doesn’t prove him right… When he said that, I started fearing that I really am being too depressing. I want to help people, not depress them. But I can only write what’s in me. And today this is what’s in me. It probably won’t be the only time either.

Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City had it much easier than me. She was a ficticious character which means she was much neater than I am (neither I nor my life are neat). She only made mistakes when it fit in the storyline, was put together and really, for the most part, as far as I remember, quite perfect. (One of the things that annoys me most in Hollywood-style shows/movies is that when the characters have “flaws,” they only make them more loveable. Barf.) She probably never had writer’s block either. Yeah, whatever.

So, some disclaimers (probably more for myself than anyone else):

All I have to offer to the world is myself. Little ol’ me. If that ain’t good enough, that ain’t my problem! Take it up with my Creator. Meanwhile, I need to do what I need to do. And if I sometimes sound depressed? Well, don’t know if you noticed but this world of dating isn’t exactly a cup of tea!

Finally, I make mistakes in dating. Geez, shocker. Dating is so complex. Each time it’s different. Different issues will arise with different ways of dealing with them. I do my best considering my capabilities, talents, strengths and amount of energy. I’m sorry I can’t do more than that.

I’m sorry life is definitely not neat at all. I’m sorry I feel like Pig-Pen who leaves a cloud of dust behind himself everywhere he goes. I truly am sorry since the last thing I want is for anyone to be hurt. I also hate for anyone to think ill of me. But I need to forgive myself for being imperfect and forgive (or at least let go of) others who might not give me the benefit of the doubt.

Hi. My name is Deena and I’m human and I need to do what I know how to do. I hope I’ll make a difference in my life and maybe even in your life too.

From http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

P.S. Oh, Pig-Pen actually looks pretty content.

Pig-Pen is happy with who he is. :)