HaBitza

At last, several of the big rabbanim have issued new edicts to help resolve the shidduch crisis.  Habitza.com hopes that these new halachot will make a significant difference to the dating scene, especially within the modern orthodox world.  The rabbanim have felt it is more important to publish their edicts than to reveal their names.  Suffice it to say, they are very big.  Definitely LazyBoy/American Comfort armchair size.  (No, we are not getting paid for advertising.)

1.  All modern orthodox singles over the age of 25 are required to become haredi. The reasons for this edict are obvious.  Marriage is halachically required of all men.  Women are required according to halacha not to become a “stumbling stone” for men, and therefore are required to marry them.  Incidence of marriage is higher in the haredi world.  QED.  Contact your LHR (Local Haredi Rabbi) to find out how this is to be done.  Contact your PP (Poor Parents) for a clothing allowance.  Return to modern orthodox status may be permitted after one year of marriage (to the same person).

2.  All singles events will be segregated.  All cafes will be segregated.  The only singles of opposite sex who will be allowed to sit together will be those who are out on a date. The shidduch enforcement brigade will require verbal and written assurances from their shadchan that the couple is actually on a date, and not trying to circumvent the rules.  In the spirit of segregation, all cappucino/latte coffees will be prepared with the milk strictly separated from the coffee.  Stirring will only be allowed after consulting with a rabbi.  As we know, stirring can lead to mixing, which in itself can cause stirring that is prohibited.

3.  The rabbanim have issued a formal Heter to allow multi-dating. Single men are now permitted to date up to a maximum of 50 women at the same time.  Single women are now permitted to date up to 2.5 men at the same time (.5 as some of them may be short).  Of course there are different laws for men and women.  This is because women are holier than men (also “freieriot”).  Get used to it.

4.  Payment on dates will now follow a strict protocol:  The single men will obviously pay for the dates. Where there is a money problem, especially as a result of multi-dating, a special gemach has been set up to fund dating.  On the first date, the man will be permitted to spend up to NIS 20 on his date.  With every subsequent date the amount must go down.  The date on which he proposes must be a date that costs him nothing (walking is very healthy for you).  The reason is obvious.  With each subsequent date, the couple is moving closer to marriage, and must learn to save up for the wedding and expenses.  Not to mention tuition for the kids.

5.  No eating is to be allowed on dates: The rabbanim have noticed that not all daters remember to say the appropriate blessings over food, before and after blessings etc.  In order to ensure that daters have the best possible chance of getting into the L*rd’s good books in their attempts to find their soulmates, no eating is to be allowed on dates.  Drinks are permitted – but with caution.  Eating may be permitted at your wedding, make sure to consult with your local orthodox rabbi (preferably a plus size one).

For a full, detailed responsa on these new halachot, check out www.bigrabbanim.com.  Or not.

Purim Sameach!