HaBitza

You know the movie?  The one where the girl traps the guy into marriage, by being very nice, or by getting pregnant, and wham?  The one where the guy is only after one thing?  The one where the guy is only interested in her looks/money/connections?  Where the girl is only interested in getting someone to marry her so she can have kids/wear a big diamond (or fake) ring/thumb her nose at her single relatives/leave her despotic parents?

You know the book?  Where the really romantic guy knows exactly what she needs, and that’s how she knows he’s THE ONE?  Where he remembers what flowers she likes, what food she hates, and knows exactly what perfume to buy her?  Where he knows she’s the right one because they click instantly, there’s this amazing chemistry, they notice each other across a crowded room and it’s just…

You know the stories?  where he marries her just to please his parents?  where she decides that marriage is what you make of it and marries the next OK guy in the hope that…?  where they marry without love but love blooms over the years?

From Charlotte Bronte to Disney to Mills & Boon to Harlequin Books to Love Story to Dr Zhivago to Lassie (just checking you’re following but it’s in there too) to High School Musical (I have a teenage daughter) to Fiddler on the Roof to Pride and Prejudice to Sex in the City and probably to Avatar which I haven’t seen yet… we’re being fed a daily diet of stories, which certainly in the Western World (or pseudo Western World, as in Israel) are literally threatening to take over our lives.

We analyze everything that happens to us through the lens of these stories (is she playing hard to get, is she trying to trap me into marriage, is she too hot/cold/rich for me, is he cheating, lying, using, dork makes good, is this the way relationships should be?).  We see ourselves as players in these stories, interpreting words and actions, and often act according to this subconscious role we’ve taken on, and not according to what’s in front of us.

I’m not just talking about singles here.  In every area of life, marriage, work, kids etc., many of us have a movie or book or even story of relatives or friends playing in the back of our minds, often so subtly we don’t even realize it’s there.  And we act according to that story, all the time feeling maybe a slight sense of discomfort, of something being not quite right, not quite authentic to us.

It’s time to drop the stories.  To get real in the sense of realizing the amazing reality of the Avi, Itzik, Jake, Deena (got you in there, hah!), Sara, Rebecca, Lia, Rochelle in front of us.  (note judicious use of biblical names to avoid direct mentions..).    To build relationships by being willing to enter others’ worlds and tour a bit, with no judgment or comparison with the latest movie or novel.

To stop expecting according to the stories, get to know our own souls, and discover how amazing real authentic connection can be.