It’s not easy being green.

Sometimes I feel it is unfortunate I am how I am in certain respects. Specifically, lately, I was thinking about my religiosity.

I hang out with Orthodox people a lot. It’s my background and I feel quite comfortable with them. I enjoy the company of people I’ve been choosing to hang out with but at the same time I don’t feel totally in place. So, for example, when we had a huge kiddush in our house today, the crowd was pretty Orthodox (unless everyone was disguised as Orthodox, like me ). I had the following silly thought: “I wish I was more religious. It’s because I’m not that I couldn’t be with any of these guys.”

Please understand. It’s not that I truly wish I was “more” religious. Well, maybe part of me somewhere inside wishes things were different. But they aren’t and I know they aren’t and I’m pretty cool with that (no, really, why don’t you believe me?).

Anyway, where the heck am I going with this?

So I have these silly thoughts about “If only I were different…”

Basically I’m saying that I believe that if I were different then things would be different? Right, if I were more Orthodox I’d be married? Silly Deena… When you become conscious of your thought and follow through on it, you realize how funny the thought is to begin with.

But it’s hard because when we’re single, we look at who we are and contemplate what about us might be stopping someone else from noticing us, paying attention to us, liking us and loving us.

So I ask myself: “Could I imagine someone loving me as I am?” and the answer is, “Yes, I can.” It is not necessarily the guys I look at and wish I was different so they could like me. It’s the guy who really does fit me in many different ways including, in this case, religiously.

Yes, I can imagine a guy (who is obviously the smartest guy ever) actually appreciating the things about me that make me worry I’m unloveable. I can even imagine him finding comfort in who I am and being with someone (so awesome) like me.

So, it may not always feel easy being green but when it comes down to it, even if you didn’t exactly choose the colour, it may have some awesome things to offer!

Shavua tov!

P.S. OK, so now you’re all thinking, “But you do choose how religious you are!” My dear readers, you don’t choose who you are. You choose how to work with who you are. You choose what you want out of life considering who you are. Of course I am the master over my actions but I choose how to be with my focus on important things (in my opinion) like being an emotionally healthy person, being in a place where I can fill my place in this world to the best of my abilities. Maybe this is material for another blog post.