The dating world is harsh – is that true?
In reponse to Deena’s post/rant on the pain of being part of the dating world:
There is so much in this post that I don’t agree with, so I’ll choose two issues to start with.
The thought that people are saying “Who does she think she is, writing a blog about dating?”
The “who do you think you are” thought is insidious and evil. No two ways about it.
It never comes up when you’re walking in the street (“who do you think you are, walking in the street?”). When you’re doing something by rote. (“who do you think you are, filing documents into paper files?”). When you’re doing something basic. (“who do you think you are, cooking spaghetti?”). It only comes up when you’re trying to expand, go beyond your existing boundaries, be creative, aim further (think Obama had the thought “who do you think you are, wanting to be President”? probably, at some stage.)
When the thought comes up, you know you’re on to something good. Something new and different that may change the world as we know it. Or just change your day, week or life. It ranks up there with the discovery that if someone isn’t happy with what you’re doing, you’re probably going in the right direction. All in the “Personal growth through extreme mental and emotional discomfort” category. For an interesting take on this see Tim Ferris’s blog entry, “The benefits of pissing people off”.
The dating world is harsh
Here again – at the risk of sounding cliche-d and preachy – attitude. There are many who would say life is harsh. Work is harsh. The business world is harsh. Then there are those who don’t say anything. They just have these little smiles on their faces.
There are marrieds who would say to singles “harsh? you don’t know nuttin’ about harsh! Try not sleeping for 10 years! Try working in three jobs to make ends meet and buy shoes for the kids! Try having that constant sinking feeling when any child starts to snuffle, comes home late, is threatened at school!”
There are business owners who would say to complaining employed grunts “harsh? Try fighting for every client and then finding out that your competitors have reached them first! Try living a life where you have no free time, where every second that you’re awake you’re working! Try planning market strategies that collapse when something new comes on to the market!”
There are wealthy people who would say “harsh? Try worrying about whether you’re going to lose everything through a financial crash, a bad investment, a crooked stock broker! Try having so many people ask you for help, feeling so much responsibility, and not being able to help everyone!”
And there are singles who say to others “harsh! Try getting sick with no-one to look after you! Try going places on your own and feeling uncomfortable, not belonging, checked out and found wanting! Try going through interminable family events with people saying to you “please G*d by you”, or “why don’t you get married” as if it’s your fault! Try some soul-destroying depressing loneliness!”
So does that mean life is harsh? Well yes, and no. I hate cliches but have to admit their usefulness sometimes – it really depends on your perspective. As a single, your nights are (usually) your own, you have no nappy-changing obligations, you can make plans, you can take advantage of not being tied down, you can acknowledge the love you do have in your life rather than bemoan the love that you feel should be there, you can develop in many ways that become closed or more difficult as other personal obligations mount up. As a married, you can enjoy your children’s first burp, smile, step, you can appreciate love and partnership, you can acknowledge where life has smiled on you. As a business owner you can work to make your independence work for you, and let’s face it, most self-employed people just love not having a boss. As a wealthy person, you can enjoy what life has handed you, give blessing and not just feel guilt or apprehension.
The dating world is harsh – is that true? If you want to play with this, I recommend Byron Katie’s website for the four questions and turnaround method. (no, not the haggada four questions, something else).
Deena
Vera Resnick
Vera, wow, good job! First, I think your example of “Who are you to be walking in the street” is such a great example and is mamash mamchish your point because there were and are place and times when certain people DID say to others, “Who are you to be walking in the street?” Nazis to Jews after curfew, probably blacks in certain neighourhoods years ago in the U.S. So really, who is anyone to say to anyone else, “Who are you to…” Today it might look like it makes total sense but in 10 years it’ll be like, “Um, who the heck were YOU to be asking that person that question?!”
Just one thing about your argument that everyone has difficulties. I think it’s true. I was thinking about it today and hopefully will write a blog post about it – How pain is a part of life and it’s just a question of how you deal with that. But let me just argue just a bissele…
Are there not things in life we don’t choose (like being single) so the pain feels worse because this isn’t even the life we want as opposed to things we choose (like running your own business or getting married or having kids) where you know somewhat what you’re getting yourself into but either way you know you chose it for certain benefits so it sort of makes it “worth” it?
Two misconceptions, I think. First of all – my argument is not that everyone has difficulties, far from it. My argument is that everyone can see their life as having difficulties – or not. Everyone can say to others – you don’t know what difficult is. But not everyone does that, and IMHO that’s really not the point. The point is how you see your life, what you focus on in it, what direction you look for. The point isn’t what isn’t there – the point is what is. How’s that for obscure.
The other point is that many people (myself included at the time) are making a choice to be single, whether conscious or unconscious. And although it seems that way from outside, many times getting married is just taking the next step in a (dare I say it) flow of events, and many married people will tell you that at some point they turned round and said “how did that happen? how did I get here?” Kids sometimes involve more choice, especially if treatments are involved, but otherwise it’s more of a “wow, we have 5 kids, how did that happen?” (yeah, yeah, get those smirks off your faces…). TBBIF. (To Be Blogged In the Future). People who started businesses maybe made more choices, but if you talk to them, often they say something like “it was the next rational step”, “it just made sense” – and you can track a flow of events. So I don’t think it’s as clear cut as you present.
so Vera: I guess that seing my name you already know something unusual will come up
kidding….
I will try and bring you back a few years….remember?
watching the dating world from this point, is different than when you are in it! isn’t it?
being in it, is not only you personally: it is also when your kids (especially daughters) reach this point in life.
walking the street is easyer than being in a dating world, lets admit it!! what makes it harsh, is the social pressure.
I have heard from more than a girl the sentence “if I knew I will certainly get married with a good guy at a later stage, I would not date to marry now”: what does that say?
yes, true: every stage and situation in life brings positive points and experiences….having said all that, dating is fun sometimes and stressful most of the times! (and I am many years past that stage…..)