HaBitza

At last, several of the big rabbanim have issued new edicts to help resolve the shidduch crisis.  Habitza.com hopes that these new halachot will make a significant difference to the dating scene, especially within the modern orthodox world.  The rabbanim have felt it is more important to publish their edicts than to reveal their names.  Suffice it to say, they are very big.  Definitely LazyBoy/American Comfort armchair size.  (No, we are not getting paid for advertising.)

1.  All modern orthodox singles over the age of 25 are required to become haredi. The reasons for this edict are obvious.  Marriage is halachically required of all men.  Women are required according to halacha not to become a “stumbling stone” for men, and therefore are required to marry them.  Incidence of marriage is higher in the haredi world.  QED.  Contact your LHR (Local Haredi Rabbi) to find out how this is to be done.  Contact your PP (Poor Parents) for a clothing allowance.  Return to modern orthodox status may be permitted after one year of marriage (to the same person).

2.  All singles events will be segregated.  All cafes will be segregated.  The only singles of opposite sex who will be allowed to sit together will be those who are out on a date. The shidduch enforcement brigade will require verbal and written assurances from their shadchan that the couple is actually on a date, and not trying to circumvent the rules.  In the spirit of segregation, all cappucino/latte coffees will be prepared with the milk strictly separated from the coffee.  Stirring will only be allowed after consulting with a rabbi.  As we know, stirring can lead to mixing, which in itself can cause stirring that is prohibited.

3.  The rabbanim have issued a formal Heter to allow multi-dating. Single men are now permitted to date up to a maximum of 50 women at the same time.  Single women are now permitted to date up to 2.5 men at the same time (.5 as some of them may be short).  Of course there are different laws for men and women.  This is because women are holier than men (also “freieriot”).  Get used to it.

4.  Payment on dates will now follow a strict protocol:  The single men will obviously pay for the dates. Where there is a money problem, especially as a result of multi-dating, a special gemach has been set up to fund dating.  On the first date, the man will be permitted to spend up to NIS 20 on his date.  With every subsequent date the amount must go down.  The date on which he proposes must be a date that costs him nothing (walking is very healthy for you).  The reason is obvious.  With each subsequent date, the couple is moving closer to marriage, and must learn to save up for the wedding and expenses.  Not to mention tuition for the kids.

5.  No eating is to be allowed on dates: The rabbanim have noticed that not all daters remember to say the appropriate blessings over food, before and after blessings etc.  In order to ensure that daters have the best possible chance of getting into the L*rd’s good books in their attempts to find their soulmates, no eating is to be allowed on dates.  Drinks are permitted – but with caution.  Eating may be permitted at your wedding, make sure to consult with your local orthodox rabbi (preferably a plus size one).

For a full, detailed responsa on these new halachot, check out www.bigrabbanim.com.  Or not.

Purim Sameach!

so coffee means "I love you"?

So sad.  I have to admit defeat.

Out of 68 votes, 35 of you have voted that guys should pay on the first date.  Only a measly 6 of you agree with me that the first date should be declared Dutch (sorry to all Netherlanders who find this offensive…).

I can only conclude that:

• You prefer the awkwardness of not knowing how much the evening will cost you?
• You prefer not knowing if you have to pay for her meal, or for her coffee, or just for yourself?
• You prefer having someone say to you (or think at you) “after I spent all that money on you, you’re not going out with me again?”
• You prefer the indecision about what to order because you’re starving, he’s only ordering coffee and he’s paying? or not?
• You buy into the concept that a guy should be judged by his generosity with money on the first date?
• You buy into the highly sexist brainwashing we’ve all gone through that something in the guy spending money on the girl is truly romantic?
• You believe that dating is so traumatic that you’re going to make the guys pay, literally?  Because you should at least get a free coffee, sushi, burger meal, gourmet repast out of it?
• You (the guys) have lots of money and really don’t care one way or another?  (in which case you can take me and my soulmate out any time…)

Can romance grow without being connected to spending money?  Is everyone so happy with the way things are done now that they are unwilling to look into doing things differently?  Does the expression “well that works for me” come to your mind?  And do you ever wonder, if it works so well for you, why is it so traumatic or uncomfortable?

We’re closing this poll within the next few days – so if you just haven’t bothered to vote yet – VOTE DUTCH!

Photo by lepiaf.geo at flickr

You know the movie?  The one where the girl traps the guy into marriage, by being very nice, or by getting pregnant, and wham?  The one where the guy is only after one thing?  The one where the guy is only interested in her looks/money/connections?  Where the girl is only interested in getting someone to marry her so she can have kids/wear a big diamond (or fake) ring/thumb her nose at her single relatives/leave her despotic parents?

You know the book?  Where the really romantic guy knows exactly what she needs, and that’s how she knows he’s THE ONE?  Where he remembers what flowers she likes, what food she hates, and knows exactly what perfume to buy her?  Where he knows she’s the right one because they click instantly, there’s this amazing chemistry, they notice each other across a crowded room and it’s just…

You know the stories?  where he marries her just to please his parents?  where she decides that marriage is what you make of it and marries the next OK guy in the hope that…?  where they marry without love but love blooms over the years?

From Charlotte Bronte to Disney to Mills & Boon to Harlequin Books to Love Story to Dr Zhivago to Lassie (just checking you’re following but it’s in there too) to High School Musical (I have a teenage daughter) to Fiddler on the Roof to Pride and Prejudice to Sex in the City and probably to Avatar which I haven’t seen yet… we’re being fed a daily diet of stories, which certainly in the Western World (or pseudo Western World, as in Israel) are literally threatening to take over our lives.

We analyze everything that happens to us through the lens of these stories (is she playing hard to get, is she trying to trap me into marriage, is she too hot/cold/rich for me, is he cheating, lying, using, dork makes good, is this the way relationships should be?).  We see ourselves as players in these stories, interpreting words and actions, and often act according to this subconscious role we’ve taken on, and not according to what’s in front of us.

I’m not just talking about singles here.  In every area of life, marriage, work, kids etc., many of us have a movie or book or even story of relatives or friends playing in the back of our minds, often so subtly we don’t even realize it’s there.  And we act according to that story, all the time feeling maybe a slight sense of discomfort, of something being not quite right, not quite authentic to us.

It’s time to drop the stories.  To get real in the sense of realizing the amazing reality of the Avi, Itzik, Jake, Deena (got you in there, hah!), Sara, Rebecca, Lia, Rochelle in front of us.  (note judicious use of biblical names to avoid direct mentions..).    To build relationships by being willing to enter others’ worlds and tour a bit, with no judgment or comparison with the latest movie or novel.

To stop expecting according to the stories, get to know our own souls, and discover how amazing real authentic connection can be.

Technology opens up more options to us than ever. We can practically be in touch with whoever we want, however we want, whenever we want. And it’s all immediate.

Here’s the thing, though. It’s almost as if, how it used to be was more fitting to human nature. The fact that you couldn’t be in touch all the time, every second, probably had its benefits. While getting to know someone, there were breaks, there was more unknown. There were more boundaries and more intrigue.

Now, you’re often facebook friends before you even go on a date with a guy/girl. You may have already flipped through a million pictures of the person with plenty of opportunity to scrutinize who they are (well, who they are online). You probably pretended to get to know the person through a few chats and cute backs-and-forth on facebook or email.

And then, once you start going out, because the option is there to be in touch on quite a regular basis, there might be a feeling that if there isn’t immediate and constant interaction, that somethings wrong.

But the thing we must remember is that although the world we live in is very different than 100 years ago, doesn’t mean human nature has changed. There is still a need to wait, think, not to think, there is a need for distance, and whatever else is necessary as life’s experiences are internalized within us.

I agree with an article I read (I need to find the link again and post it here) where the writer says that if you’re going to go out with someone, don’t add them on facebook before the first date. He was once on a first date and found that they had nothing to say. He suddenly realized that with all the small interactions they’d had online and through text messaging, they’d already had their “first date.”

I think technology is awesome. The way people can connect to each other online so easily, spread ideas, discuss ideas, have fun… I wouldn’t change it for anything. But in order to get the most out of it, I do believe we must be conscious of how it affects our lives and try hard to create good boundaries. Like I know how to do that but anyway… :)

Sometimes I feel it is unfortunate I am how I am in certain respects. Specifically, lately, I was thinking about my religiosity.

I hang out with Orthodox people a lot. It’s my background and I feel quite comfortable with them. I enjoy the company of people I’ve been choosing to hang out with but at the same time I don’t feel totally in place. So, for example, when we had a huge kiddush in our house today, the crowd was pretty Orthodox (unless everyone was disguised as Orthodox, like me :)). I had the following silly thought: “I wish I was more religious. It’s because I’m not that I couldn’t be with any of these guys.”

Please understand. It’s not that I truly wish I was “more” religious. Well, maybe part of me somewhere inside wishes things were different. But they aren’t and I know they aren’t and I’m pretty cool with that (no, really, why don’t you believe me?).

Anyway, where the heck am I going with this?

So I have these silly thoughts about “If only I were different…”

Basically I’m saying that I believe that if I were different then things would be different? Right, if I were more Orthodox I’d be married? Silly Deena… When you become conscious of your thought and follow through on it, you realize how funny the thought is to begin with.

But it’s hard because when we’re single, we look at who we are and contemplate what about us might be stopping someone else from noticing us, paying attention to us, liking us and loving us.

So I ask myself: “Could I imagine someone loving me as I am?” and the answer is, “Yes, I can.” It is not necessarily the guys I look at and wish I was different so they could like me. It’s the guy who really does fit me in many different ways including, in this case, religiously.

Yes, I can imagine a guy (who is obviously the smartest guy ever) actually appreciating the things about me that make me worry I’m unloveable. I can even imagine him finding comfort in who I am and being with someone (so awesome) like me.

So, it may not always feel easy being green but when it comes down to it, even if you didn’t exactly choose the colour, it may have some awesome things to offer!

:) Shavua tov!

P.S. OK, so now you’re all thinking, “But you do choose how religious you are!” My dear readers, you don’t choose who you are. You choose how to work with who you are. You choose what you want out of life considering who you are. Of course I am the master over my actions but I choose how to be with my focus on important things (in my opinion) like being an emotionally healthy person, being in a place where I can fill my place in this world to the best of my abilities. Maybe this is material for another blog post.

Couldn’t not respond to this!  Deena wrote:

P.S. The flip side, of course, is that if there are things we could be doing differently on dates, would it not make sense to try to figure out what those things are in order to try to create a change? Maypole dancing? More complimenting? More British accents?

There are many ways to date creatively (or create datively, depending on how drunk you are) (shame on you)…

British accents; compliments; maypole dancing; – it’s a start, but apart from the maypole dancing perhaps, doesn’t really show commitment to creativity.

For the truly creative amongst you, let’s stretch this a little further.

Segregated buses: Nothing to speed a date along than to travel together in a segregated bus.  Either you keep the rules and then absence makes the heart grow fonder as you try to figure out if you’ll meet again at the end of the ride.  This could count as two dates – the meeting before you get on, and the meeting after you get off.  And if you decide not to date again, you could always sneak out before the planned last stop.  Or – and this may be more interesting – you could sit together on a segregated bus.  This can give valuable lessons in working together in the face (or faces) of adversity, not to mention possibilities to demonstrate your martial arts skills.

Clean dating (not what you think..):  Fix a time to clean your house together.  That way you can say you’re not faking anything, you’re being completely natural, opening up (although perhaps put those … away before he/she comes… who dragged you up anyway…).  At the same time you are checking out your potential life partner’s cleaning skills – invaluable if you’re planning a life together.  And most importantly, if the date doesn’t work out, at least you have a clean house to show for it.  And if it’s not clean, you can draw your own conclusions.

Davening dates:  These are a great way to check out your partner’s spirituality.  Arrange to meet for a day.  Make sure to meet some place that has synagogues, shtiebels, or any appropriate praying place.  This could also work for other religions apart from Judaism, although I think whirling dervish religions are probably not suitable.  In the forms of prayer that is.  (or is my ignorance showing?).  Make sure to attend all three prayer services – Shacharit (morning), Mincha (afternoon) and Ma’ariv (evening).  First of all take note – do both of you go in?  do both of you hang out outside waiting for one of you to go in?  Do both of you say “well, I know we said… but…nah, let’s go bowling..”..?  Then observe carefully and note the following criteria in order to assess your date’s spirituality:

Shockling (swaying back and forth, for the uninitiated):  to be judged on the basis of depth, speed, frequency, variety (back and forth, round and round, occasional jumping) and creativity.
Perspiration:  on a scale of 1-10, or rated by the number of handkerchief wipes
Clapping:  Some do, some don’t – whatever takes your fancy
Eyes: closed – truly spiritual;  squeezed shut – fighting the yetzer hara;  open and glazed – in transcendental trance;  open and roving – well, what would you think?!
Length of time:  same as everyone else – probably same as everyone else; much shorter – perhaps more practical than spiritual (when are we going bowling?); a little longer – possibly more spiritual than practical; a lot longer - either a show-off or really doesn’t enjoy your company.

Have a great time. Really.

Today I was taking a good look at myself as I freaked out pre-first date. And I think that the reason I freak out is because I’m absolutely petrified of any pain that might come my way. I am thinking of the different possible scenarios.

• What if he doesn’t like me?
• What if I don’t like him?
• What if we date for a while and then it doesn’t work out?
• What if I suddenly start choking in the middle of the date, I go beet-red and I’m so embarrassed?
• What if he starts choking in the middle of the date…
• … OK, you get the point.

So then I thought, “Alright, and what is the most positive possible scenario?

We meet. We like. We go out again. We keep liking…

We decide to get married…

And then I started thinking about all the possible pains that are followed by that decision. Engagement parties, fights that scare us and make us wonder if we’re making the right decision, suddenly having to make decisions together, having to go to my own wedding, pregnancy, child birth, financial difficulties…

At this point I realized something very, very important. And I came home to find that Vera had just written about the same thing from a different perspective.

No matter where you go in life, what you do, there is always potential pain. And as Vera said, as cliché as this sounds, it is our attitudes that make or break the experiences. (Read her comment on her post about how she doesn’t actually think it’s about difficulties but about our focus.)

Which is why I wrote the last post about how we are all dating heroes. Because really we are all life heroes. Life can be pretty scary but if we decide we’re going to make the decisions we think are best and let whatever’s supposed to happen, happen, it’s brave. And, of course, we’re opening up the options for wonderful things to happen.

Yes, YOU. Well, OK, maybe not you (the married person reading this…). But last night, as I was travelling towards a date (that’s not a geographical place), feeling terribly nervous, I was thinking about how brave all of you are, who do this over and over again.

Yeah, I knew it wouldn’t sound as good “on paper” as it did in my head a few hours ago. My stomach was flipping all over the place and I knew that I was going into an unknown situation. Didn’t know how it would go. Didn’t know what would happen afterwards. But I was doing it because I know it’s what I have to do and it’s what I choose to do.

We ended up in a cafe where, I told him, I saw at least one other person I know who soooo was also on a first date.

“The whole world is on first dates tonight,” I said to mine.

It’s no easy task, putting yourself out there. Our experiences shape us and recurring ones, even more so. I always half jokingly tell people that statistically, the chances of a date going well (meaning, leading to a wedding) are slim to none. Why? Well, I’ve been on X number of dates and none of them have lead me to a wedding till now. So “statistically” this one probably won’t either.

Of course this is total shtuyot (best translated as bs). My dates of the past don’t tell me about the date of the present. But the fact is, going through the recurring experience of “failed” dates, will naturally effect a person quite profoundly, I would think. And to continue putting yourself out there, in the hope of reaching your goal, is commendable.

And so, fellow dater, I commend you.

P.S. The flip side, of course, is that if there are things we could be doing differently on dates, would it not make sense to try to figure out what those things are in order to try to create a change? Maypole dancing? More complimenting? More British accents?

A facebook friend just posted one of the sweetest videos I’ve ever seen. It’s about a guy who sincerely sees beauty in everyone, and actually tells the people the good that he sees which, in turn, bringing that beauty out in them. As the viewer, you might be thinking, “What a nerd” or “She’s just an old lady” but when the guy makes them smile from true happiness, suddenly they don’t look so plain anymore…

Taaaaaaaaaaaaake that into the dating world… We can be quite scrutinizing on dates. I think, at least with me, it’s a defense mechanism (defense from what, is a whole other question). We are very reserved. Most of the time we’re not exactly lauding each other’s praises on dates. Maybe you’ll get a little compliment here and there and any more than that and it’s already considered weird.

But maybe there’s something to it. What would happen if we actually complimented each other more on dates? Would that create more of an openness towards each other? Would it help us see the good in each other?

I do not promote fakeness at all but maybe it would be nice if more of an openness was created through more complimenting.

I know, the video is a whole 16:32 minutes long but please watch it! And let me know what you think.

In reponse to Deena’s post/rant on the pain of being part of the dating world:

There is so much in this post that I don’t agree with, so I’ll choose two issues to start with.

The thought that people are saying  “Who does she think she is, writing a blog about dating?”

The “who do you think you are” thought is insidious and evil.  No two ways about it.

It never comes up when you’re walking in the street (“who do you think you are, walking in the street?”).  When you’re doing something by rote.  (“who do you think you are, filing documents into paper files?”).  When you’re doing something basic.  (“who do you think you are, cooking spaghetti?”).  It only comes up when you’re trying to expand, go beyond your existing boundaries, be creative, aim further (think Obama had the thought “who do you think you are, wanting to be President”? probably, at some stage.)

When the thought comes up, you know you’re on to something good.  Something new and different that may change the world as we know it.  Or just change your day, week or life.  It ranks up there with the discovery that if someone isn’t happy with what you’re doing, you’re probably going in the right direction.  All in the “Personal growth through extreme mental and emotional discomfort” category.  For an interesting take on this see Tim Ferris’s blog entry, “The benefits of pissing people off”.

The dating world is harsh

Here again – at the risk of sounding cliche-d and preachy – attitude.  There are many who would say life is harsh.  Work is harsh.  The business world is harsh.  Then there are those who don’t say anything.  They just have these little smiles on their faces.

There are marrieds who would say to singles “harsh?  you don’t know nuttin’ about harsh!  Try not sleeping for 10 years!  Try working in three jobs to make ends meet and buy shoes for the kids!  Try having that constant sinking feeling when any child starts to snuffle, comes home late, is threatened at school!”

There are business owners who would say to complaining employed grunts “harsh?  Try fighting for every client and then finding out that your competitors have reached them first!  Try living a life where you have no free time, where every second that you’re awake you’re working!  Try planning market strategies that collapse when something new comes on to the market!”

There are wealthy people who would say “harsh?  Try worrying about whether you’re going to lose everything through a financial crash, a bad investment, a crooked stock broker!  Try having so many people ask you for help, feeling so much responsibility, and not being able to help everyone!”

And there are singles who say to others “harsh!  Try getting sick with no-one to look after you!  Try going places on your own and feeling uncomfortable, not belonging, checked out and found wanting!  Try going through interminable family events with people saying to you “please G*d by you”, or “why don’t you get married” as if it’s your fault!  Try some soul-destroying depressing loneliness!”

So does that mean life is harsh?  Well yes, and no.  I hate cliches but have to admit their usefulness sometimes – it really depends on your perspective.  As a single, your nights are (usually) your own, you have no nappy-changing obligations, you can make plans, you can take advantage of not being tied down, you can acknowledge the love you do have in your life rather than bemoan the love that you feel should be there, you can develop in many ways that become closed or more difficult as other personal obligations mount up.  As a married, you can enjoy your children’s first burp, smile, step, you can appreciate love and partnership, you can acknowledge where life has smiled on you.  As a business owner you can work to make your independence work for you, and let’s face it, most self-employed people just love not having a boss.  As a wealthy person, you can enjoy what life has handed you, give blessing and not just feel guilt or apprehension.

The dating world is harsh – is that true?  If you want to play with this, I recommend Byron Katie’s website for the four questions and turnaround method.  (no, not the haggada four questions, something else).