HaBitza

Blame who?

When there’s a problem, our natural instinct (or is it a cultural thing?) is to try to find the culprit, or, “The Root of the Problem.”

So I just read an article by Dennis Prager where he asks the question: Is America Still Making Men?

Of course (knowing Prager) his answer is “No,” and he goes into great detail explaining all the reasons he believes that in the past, boys were expected to become men and now boys continue to be boys.

I think I agree with that but there is only one reason I really agree with. The fourth reason he gives is:

America has become a rights-centered rather than a responsibility-centered society. Aside from helping to produce a pandemic of narcissism, the rights-centered mindset is the opposite of the obligation/responsibility-centered mindset that makes a boy into a man. It is not good for either sex to be rights-preoccupied; but it is particularly devastating to developing men, as men are supposed to be obligation-directed. The baby boomer generation helped destroy manhood in most of the ways described here. One additional example was its widespread slogan, “Make love, not war.” One cannot come up with a more unmanly piece of advice: “Don’t fight for your country, screw girls.” If the greatest generation had adopted that motto, Hitler and Tojo would have won. A few years ago, the city of Chicago named a street after Hugh Hefner, a man who has played games much of the day and night, lived in pajamas and devoted his life to sex — quite a model of manhood for American boys.

I think that for some reason our admiration has changed. It used to be (and it still is like this in more traditional cultures) that the older the person, the more respected they were. Today, it’s practically the opposite, with the young adult years being idealized and child-like behavior being respected. I have noticed that sometimes people will talk like a child (in terms of mannerisms, voice and conversation style) and this has become considered at least partially accepted and practically respected, as if the more child-like attitudes (which are theoretically carefree, happy, self-fulfilling and self-confident) are the better ones.

Because of these new ideals people are more self-centered and less mature. Maybe people are so focused on self-everything (fulfillment, happiness, gratification, satisfaction) that they never move beyond that to caring more about others (friends, family, needy, weaker parts of the community like elderly people). We’re so busy making sure we’re getting what we want that we can’t focus enough on others. And, of course, we end up not getting what we really need (a committed, loving relationship).

But I don’t see any of this as a problem belonging only to guys. What, only guys know how to be self-centered and self-absorbed? Only men are looking for self-fulfillment first and foremost? All women are altruistic, just waiting for the next opportunity to give to a fellow human being? Thank God I’m a woman so I can say without a doubt that I know from first hand experience that I am very capable of being very self-centered.

So, all that being said, is the singles problem more the fault of the guys than the girls? I mean, I can understand how maybe with how things work today, a guy just doesn’t feel that pull (or push) to focus on one girl. Maybe guys suffer from the selfish syndrome more than girls. But I find it hard to believe. Besides in cases of abuse, when a problem exists it’s usually everyone’s problem on some level.

In a very respectful way, I’d be curious to hear where you see room for improvement in the actions of men and/or women. And I’m also wondering, do you even think anyone is exactly to blame at all?

Photo by roland on flickr.

I’m pleased to announce that Habitza.com has decided to become a completely scientific enterprise.  All suggestions, information, anecdotes, humour, froginess, figs and dates will be subjected to rigorous double blind scientific testing.  Around the time of Tu Bishvat, in addition to figs and dates, other dried fruits will be included to provide several control groups.  Also more fibre.

All blind dates reported on habitza.com will be double blind random dates.  Not only will both daters be blindfolded, they also won’t know who they are meeting.  They actually won’t even realize they are on a date – until someone hands them a bill and the guy, of course, will be expected to pay.

All dates and relationships will be monitored over lengthy periods of time to ensure the validity of the data.  For the purpose of this study, marriage during the relationship will be considered a disqualifying factor, and the couple will have to go back to the beginning and start again.  In addition, bearing in mind the importance of being able to exactly replicate an experiment in order to demonstrate its validity, the couple will have to go through their dating process exactly in the same way as previously.  Even if she no longer eats cream cakes.  And he no longer likes pizza.

Hey, is this Purim or April Fools?

This is a long-term study, so I’m afraid you’ll have to wait 70 years to find out.  Just don’t get married during that time, or you will inevitably face disqualification.  And won’t it be worth it?

To ease the pain, I’m bringing you some important information on science and relationships in the attached clip:

You can't see my legs but they are still attached

Hey, I feel, well, ribbit, ignored!  What about my great date?  Why isn’t anyone telling me how to tell if my date is turning out well?  Since no-one out there was giving me any advice, I decided to do it myself.  As usual.

A great date:

1.  She’s a real princess, gone through that pea under a hundred mattresses thing (though how anyone can do that beats me…and if you get what I’m talking about you’re smarter than I think), she’s got the clothes, the crown, the make-up, everything…

2.  She doesn’t expect me to pay.  I mean, get real here, I’m a frog, she has a father who has money (unless he’s king of Iceland, which is a whole other story).

3.  She’s willing to kiss me on the first date.  Now guys, and girls, this is my date.  The criteria are a little different.  There’s important stuff at stake, life, death, eternity through tadpoles.  If you need a girl to kiss you on a first date for you to feel like a prince you have, like, serious problems.  Ribbit.

4.  She doesn’t mind that I eat flies.

5.  I feel like a prince.  I am a prince.

A lousy date:

1.  She’s not the real thing, you can tell.  The crown is costume jewelry, the dress is Purim get-up, she yells like a fishwife and I find her scary.  Some fishwives like to sell frogs’ legs.  Go know.  I’m rather attached to mine.

2.  We go to a restaurant and she orders frogs’ legs.  Not only tasteless, also not kosher.  Ribbit.

3.  She expects me to pay – I have to mortgage my legs with the head waiter for after my demise.

4.  She tells me she has a headache immediately after dessert.

5.  She makes me feel like a frog.  I am a frog.  I’m still a frog.  Yep… still a frog…

If you have any more advice for me, please let me know.  I can’t give up on finding my princess – not unless I find the above-mentioned eternity through tadpoles really appealing…

Photo by Faye Pini at flickr

You wanna be a stalk(er)?

So you somehow muster up the guts to ask the guy out. Promises of waffles from friends, whatever it is, it’s a brave brave move to ask someone out. But lets be clear. I didn’t say “and then stalk them till they wish they’d never met you.” Asking someone out = asking someone out. Where the relationship develops after that is a two-to-tango thing.

Photo by srqpix on flickr.

Would you like a good date?

So, if you close your eyes and imagine that girl or guy who is the perfect dater, what does he or she look like?

Probably very confident, putting themselves out there, taking chances, being gracious with all involved – the matchmakers, potential dates… He is probably a generally put-together person, knows where he is in life, what he wants and what he has to offer.

Ech, I don’t accept it! Why? Because that sounds like a specific type of personality and I can’t believe that dating is an art (or is it a science?) only to be perfected by a select few who happen to be that type of person.

No no no… It must be more general than that. Even a goofy geek should be able to be a good dater… (As she wonders if she even believes what she’s writing.) But seriously, the same way everyone should be capable of creating a good marriage, everyone should be capable of creating positive dating experiences. (Still pondering if I agree with my hands which are typing this.)

I think the #1 most important thing when it comes to being a good dater is being a mensch. Call me the biggest nerd in the world, I don’t care (well, I do but this is more important), but the main thing that creates positive dating experiences is people being kind and menschlech and treating each other like humans and not objects.

#2 would be having a pretty good idea of who you are and a pretty good idea of what traits are important to you in your life partner. Of course honesty comes into play here. Honesty with yourself, that is.

#3? Communication – You need to be willing to communicate with everyone involved in your dating process so they know where you stand, how you feel, what your experiences are like and what you think you need. Obviously open communication isn’t necessary all the time but you need to be capable of it. Besides the fact that the sooner you start working on this, the better you’ll be prepared for marriage, IMHO.

Hmmm… What else makes up a good dater? Is this not even a fair question?

Photo by Itinerant Tightwad on flickr.

This post is inspired by a few conversations I recently had. Of course there are responsible matchmakers and responsible singles out there but this is a call out to those who may need to claim more responsibility than they have till now.

Call out to matchmakers

You must must must take your responsibility seriously. If you really don’t think you have strength or the capabilities to really look into people and really seriously consider who might be good for who, don’t do matchmaking! I’m serious! Why do you have to do it if you aren’t really up to it or into it?

If you’re doing the online matchmaking thing, make sure it doesn’t just become like an online card game. Remember that each profile is a real person!

And if you aren’t sure about two people, maybe run it by one or both of the people, communicate the thoughts behind your hesitation and the thoughts behind your considering them a potential match. This is very serious stuff and it’s so important to try to prevent nightmare dates or any unnecessary dates. What’s an unnecessary date? I suppose one that really could have been avoided if more communication had happened ahead of time.

Online matchmakers (like from Saw you at Sinai and Jretromatch), be available! Answer people’s emails. Remember we’re talking about a sensitive topic! Again, if you don’t think you can do it, better not to than to ignore people’s emails. The fact most/all of you are doing this for free is a whole other issue. Maybe this shouldn’t be a free service. Or maybe, whether it’s for pay or for free, not just anyone should be able to become a “matchmaker.”

Call out to singles

It’s so legitimate to be upset at a matchmaker who withholds important information. Let yourself feel angry and tell the matchmaker you are very hurt by what happened! It is your responsibility to give feedback. Otherwise, how is anything ever going to improve? And I don’t care what you say, you do have a responsibility towards other singles. If you don’t give feedback, there is a higher chance of someone else going through the same nightmare you went through.

So much in life we can’t control. But there is so much that we can control. You have way more control than you might admit. Just because you’re single, does not mean you have to go out with anyone offered to you. Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you have to say yes.

Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you have no idea what you need and want. It doesn’t mean your needs and wants should be ignored. Doesn’t mean you have to rely on others to decide what shidduching (matches) are appropriate for you. You can say no. You can say yes. You can say you need time to think. You can ask questions about the person, about how the matchmaker knows the person and how well. You can ask whatever you want and you can still say no.

You don’t have to go back to the same matchmaker if they do something very hurtful or irresponsible or if you just don’t feel like they are really getting you. You need to feel like you can trust your matchmaker.

You can be honest with yourself and decide which qualities are important to you in a partner. You can express that to others, if you so choose.

You are allowed, and should, be private about your life. You can plead the fifth whenever you please even if someone is trying to help and wants to set you up. If someone asks you what you’re looking for and you feel it is too private a question to divulge to that specific individual, you can choose not to answer them.

These are not only your rights but also your necessity. You must save your energy. You must make sure to help yourself stay (or become) a healthy person.

To both

If people take responsibility where possible, I believe a large percentage of the pain currently involved in the dating world can be eliminated. Don’t you think?

Someone who requested to remain nameless, just put this very familiar experience into words. Ah, the beauty of perfect word usage. (I’m jealous – just saying.)

I live in nervous.

The funny part is that it almost sounded like he felt he was alone with this. Geez… who doesn’t “live in nervous” when it comes to dating? So many things around it are nerve-racking. So please, share with us (so he knows he’s not alone, even though he can know that at least I am SO with him here). How nervous does dating make you? What part of dating makes you most nervous?

Finally after years of feeling slightly annoyed whenever anyone mentioned it, I’m willing to admit that definitely, a lot of people, if they stay single long enough, stop being as strict about their religious practices.

It always annoyed me because I’m one of those people. But the thing is that I hated when people pointed at my singlehood as the cause for my becoming less observant since I felt like it deligitimized what I felt, and still feel, is a very real religious struggle. Yes, Jewish religious life is way more geared toward the family unit, but I saw my singlehood as a blessing – an opportunity to find where I really needed to be religiously – as opposed to a cause. I always thought that I might be miserable today if I’d hidden my religious struggles and married a nice religious boy. Because spiritually I was suffering terribly and that couldn’t end until I directly dealt with my real feelings and issues.

Actually, my singlehood was partially a result of my religious/God struggles.

How? Oh, so simply… I’d go on a first date with an Orthodox guy. It was nice. We’d go out again and this time I’d share with him my questions about God and my uncertainties about which direction I was headed in religiously… Needless to say – On to the next! And that rhythm repeated itself over and over again. Of course in retrospect, it’s obvious that these silly tactics, of dating guys who most probably were looking for a straight as an arrow religious girl, without communicating ahead of time that that wasn’t me, was a very bad idea! But unfortunately I knew no other solution at the time.

Even today it isn’t always easy to be totally honest but I make sure I am. I tell myself that in order to find the right guy for me, I need to be honest about who I am.

So I am one of those singles who became less observant but I am far from alone in this. There is a great book called “Off the derech” by Faranak Margolese which is based on a lot of research she did on the topic. But I wonder, would most singles sliding away from strict Orthodox observance say that it’s connected to their being single or is it disconnected from that fact? Also, how many of you/us have plans or dreams of becoming “more” observant once you are married?

“Come here often?” wrote a blog post called “On getting too comfortable“. I just wrote a post about thinking too much about being single and I was thinking that there are probably many people who, on the one hand think so much about being single, but on the other hand, aren’t sure exactly how to fit someone else into their lives once someone with potential comes along.

I really want to know, on an emotional level, how many singles feel like their lives revolve around being single?

Theoretical single’s thoughts:

“Maybe I should *I’m single* go to the supermarket today *I don’t want to be single*.”

“Hmmm *I’m still single*… what do I *I’m so single* feel like eating?”

“Should I get *single* together *single*with Tracy this e*yep, still single*vening?” (Yes, Tracy. Have a problem with that choice of name?)

Look, it’s not me, I promise! :) I mentioned to someone else, “It’s all about being single, isn’t it?” And she quickly agreed. She makes sure to do things with her life. She’s not one of those blatantly depressed singles (chas veshalom that we should actually show people how we feel – right?) but for many singles, in the end, it all boils down to that.

When I practiced as a dietitian (don’t tell anyone), I once heard a fellow dietitian say about herself:

“תמיד יש את ה-4 קילו שעומדים ביני לבין האושר.”

That means: There are always the four kilos standing between me and happiness.

Love it!

And hate it. :(

But seriously, most of us have a (hopefully short) list of things that we believe really do stand between us and happiness. We think that “if only” a couple specific things were different, we’d be truly happy. And often those things are on our minds a lot of the time. Waste of energy? I’d say! But hard to overcome? Definitely.

For many of us (of course, not including me… *clears throat* *I’m single*), being single is HUUUUUUGE. It is that pink elephant in the room, whether others see us that way or not. But is this a bad thing? I’d guess that someone who’s been single a very long time will probably say it’s best to give this aspect of singlehood up. It definitely can make a person miserable. But besides the misery (OK, fine, that’s important but for academia’s sake), would this attitude impede finding a match, quicken the process or neither?

*I’m sing…ing! I’m singing!*