HaBitza

This post is inspired by a few conversations I recently had. Of course there are responsible matchmakers and responsible singles out there but this is a call out to those who may need to claim more responsibility than they have till now.

Call out to matchmakers

You must must must take your responsibility seriously. If you really don’t think you have strength or the capabilities to really look into people and really seriously consider who might be good for who, don’t do matchmaking! I’m serious! Why do you have to do it if you aren’t really up to it or into it?

If you’re doing the online matchmaking thing, make sure it doesn’t just become like an online card game. Remember that each profile is a real person!

And if you aren’t sure about two people, maybe run it by one or both of the people, communicate the thoughts behind your hesitation and the thoughts behind your considering them a potential match. This is very serious stuff and it’s so important to try to prevent nightmare dates or any unnecessary dates. What’s an unnecessary date? I suppose one that really could have been avoided if more communication had happened ahead of time.

Online matchmakers (like from Saw you at Sinai and Jretromatch), be available! Answer people’s emails. Remember we’re talking about a sensitive topic! Again, if you don’t think you can do it, better not to than to ignore people’s emails. The fact most/all of you are doing this for free is a whole other issue. Maybe this shouldn’t be a free service. Or maybe, whether it’s for pay or for free, not just anyone should be able to become a “matchmaker.”

Call out to singles

It’s so legitimate to be upset at a matchmaker who withholds important information. Let yourself feel angry and tell the matchmaker you are very hurt by what happened! It is your responsibility to give feedback. Otherwise, how is anything ever going to improve? And I don’t care what you say, you do have a responsibility towards other singles. If you don’t give feedback, there is a higher chance of someone else going through the same nightmare you went through.

So much in life we can’t control. But there is so much that we can control. You have way more control than you might admit. Just because you’re single, does not mean you have to go out with anyone offered to you. Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you have to say yes.

Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you have no idea what you need and want. It doesn’t mean your needs and wants should be ignored. Doesn’t mean you have to rely on others to decide what shidduching (matches) are appropriate for you. You can say no. You can say yes. You can say you need time to think. You can ask questions about the person, about how the matchmaker knows the person and how well. You can ask whatever you want and you can still say no.

You don’t have to go back to the same matchmaker if they do something very hurtful or irresponsible or if you just don’t feel like they are really getting you. You need to feel like you can trust your matchmaker.

You can be honest with yourself and decide which qualities are important to you in a partner. You can express that to others, if you so choose.

You are allowed, and should, be private about your life. You can plead the fifth whenever you please even if someone is trying to help and wants to set you up. If someone asks you what you’re looking for and you feel it is too private a question to divulge to that specific individual, you can choose not to answer them.

These are not only your rights but also your necessity. You must save your energy. You must make sure to help yourself stay (or become) a healthy person.

To both

If people take responsibility where possible, I believe a large percentage of the pain currently involved in the dating world can be eliminated. Don’t you think?