Why the heck should the guy pay?!
Look, I understand gender role and all that… But I’m yet to hear a good explanation for why guys should pay on the first date. Forget anything past the first date. Lets just talk about the first date. What is benefited (besides a free drink for the girl) by having the guy pay for a girl he very possibly will never see again? (Sorry to be negative but if the “average” person dates dozens of people but only marries one…)
We’re currently running a poll on HaBitza (to the right of this post) asking who should pay on the first date and right now, around 50% of the people are saying that of course the guy should pay.
WHY?!?!?!
Because one day when you give birth and can’t work for a few months you need to know that he’ll be able to support you? Because you need to know he’s generous? But doesn’t he also need to know that you’re generous? And doesn’t generosity have to do with way more things than just money? What if he doesn’t pay but he’s very attentive? What if he doesn’t pay but he makes sure you’re comfortable?
For years I’ve had people tell me about the importance of the guy paying. It never sat right with me but I always listened and always told people I believed the guy should pay. I figured that even though I don’t exactly get it, it’s the “ultimate truth” and so it must be followed blindly.
Sheesh.
Anyway, I think that the only reason a guy should pay on the first date is because it’s accepted. So once it’s accepted, it’s like there’s something weird or off if the guy doesn’t offer to pay. But if only it weren’t accepted, I think it would make a lot more sense.
Why? Because I always feel uncomfortable on the date when it comes time to pay. If I knew I was just going to pay for my own, I could order what I want without worrying about having someone who is practically a stranger paying for me. Also, the guys wouldn’t have to have a special dating fund or, at least, both guys and girls would need one but the guys’ fund could be smaller. Why should guys get the full expense of dating for years and years?
I’m sure there are other very good reasons for the first date to be dutch. During a time when people didn’t go on more than a few first dates in their lives, maybe it made sense. But have things not changed enough that this “rule” should change too?
Photo by Monochrome on flickr.
Is this you trying to compromise and be more of a zoremer and less of a rules follower? ;-)
Kidding! I agree, though I don’t make a big deal about it.
(And is it just me, or does it seem like we’re the only people with nothing better to do today than blogging, etc?)
lol :) Joel, don’t say that! The whole freakin’ world is reading our blogs today! Sheesh (again). P.S. Hope you voted.
The benefit is that you get something for free. I kinda thought that was obvious. I know a few girls who make a sport of it and line up enough dates that they rarely pay for more than two dinners a week.
Great post. I was just thinking about writing a post similar to this. I was interested in finding out if women would order the same if they knew ahead of time that they were paying and not the guy. I was shocked that some women would actually order less if they knew they were paying for the meal. I wanted to see how my readers felt.
Very interesting post. Thanks for sharing!
JSin, most girls I’ve spoken to sort of check to see what the guy is ordering and then orders on the same scale or less. See, it also gives less freedom to the guys, if they realize that a lot of us do that. Because if they don’t want to spend a fortune but are hungry, they are in a predicament! If they order a main course, the girl might too but if he orders just a soup or a drink, hopefully she will too but then he might be hungry.
I agree, that would cause a predicament.
Personally, I believe in paying for my date. Yet, I’ve gone out before and the woman has insisted on paying. In those instances I told them that they didn’t have to, but they practically refused to let me pay.
The times that happened I didn’t find out that she was until the bill came and she pretty much snatched it up as soon as the waiter left it.
I admit it feel a little weird not paying, but I just made sure that she knew the next time we went out it was on me.
I always felt kinda bad letting the guy pay on a first date because, like you said, it seems so unfair that they should have to pay for a couple dozen first dates that never actually lead anywhere. Still, in light of the current accepted practise, it IS making a statement if he doesn’t at least *offer* to pay (although I usually reach for my wallet and give him the chance to either say something or not…). And since some guys don’t even seem to realize that they are making this invisible statement, we need the good ladies of Habitza.com to just put that out there where they can see it ;)
Sorry, guys! On the flip side, at least you don’t have to agonize over clothing and makeup… :P