“Go with the flow” – Generalizing about men and women
Wait, sorry... Was this the kind of "flow" you wanted me to go with?
Do you consider yourself a go-with-the-flow kind of guy/gal?
Someone recently told me that when it comes to building relationships, he prefers to “go with the flow.” Or as you say in Hebrew: לזרום (lizrom). Go with the flow… What does that mean? Just sort of do what you want, when you want? “I feel like calling now so I will.” ??? Who is the one that chooses the flow that you will go with? And where does responsibility fit in?
Though embarrassed to expose such a dark side of my character, I admitted to this guy that “zoreming” (flowing) is not one of my expertise (nor passions, as you can tell from my mini-rant above).
How do I operate? Well, I am conscious of what’s going on. I think about it. I try to decide what the best way is to proceed. Specifically when it comes to dating, I make a conscious effort to go according to certain rules (self-made or society-made) of how to be in touch with someone I’m trying to get to know in a dating setting. These include being in touch on a pretty regular basis, meeting regularly, not opening myself up to other guys… And the idea of going with the flow makes me nervous, as if, if I don’t think and act tachles, I will not get anywhere.
When I told the guy I’m not a “go with the flow” type of gal, he wasn’t surprised at all and he said that his experience is that girls, in general (and he apologized for the generalization) aren’t really fans of going with the flow. And, he said, girls especially find it problematic when guys “go with the flow” when it comes to being with them.
So, the theory is:
Guys are better at, and get more enjoyment out of, “going with the flow.” Girls are more tachles. They put more effort into trying to figure things out, trying to understand what’s going on exactly.
The solution might be:
This “zorem” guy said he thinks the solution is compromise. Guys need to go a little less with the flow and girls need to go a little more with the flow.
A wise solution, I think, because both sides benefit by creating a good balance. I can totally see how if I could go more with the flow (לזרום), it could help me. I would be able to focus more on the moment without thinking of implications for every little thing that happens. So often the good things happen when you are open to letting them happen. You probably are also more yourself if you’re going with the flow. This is, IMHO, very good. Finally, as he said, part of zoreming is not nit-picking. Interesting indeed.
At the same time, it is important to be tachles-minded, I think. If you are looking to get married, you want to make sure there is potential in the relationship because if there isn’t, it’s best just to move on. So if there are certain deal-breakers for you (and you better make sure they are sensible deal-breakers!), it’s best to bring them up and see where the other person stands before getting more attached than might be necessary. But on the other hand, if you’re trying to take too much control, you aren’t waiting to see where things go if you and the other person are just yourselves interacting with each other.
Whatcha think?
Photo by Greg Hayter on flickr.
Speaking as a guy who lives the zorem lifestyle, not just in dating but in life in general, I think I might be able to pitch in on this!
I think that the dichotomy you set up here (going with the flow vs. being tachles-oriented) is a false one. I think that wanting to go with the flow and wanting to focus on finding something real, valuable and meaningful are not mutually exclusive. My desire (and I extrapolate perhaps unfairly to the desire of other zoreming guys) to go with the flow does not indicate a lack of focus on tachles.
To my view, the drawback of too much rules-following (and by the way, I know plenty of guys who follow dating rules as well) is not that you don’t open yourself up to experiences you might otherwise have. Rather, I think it is that by trying “to decide what the best way is to proceed,” you may often actually be operating on incorrect assumptions. And thus what seems like the best way to proceed often is not, and ruins or harms what might otherwise be a positive experience or relationship.
On the flip side, the problems that those who go with the flow experience is that their actions and/or intentions are often misinterpreted. Thus, their relationships also often suffer as a result of their methods.
So yeah, I do agree that we can all benefit from trying to compromise a bit, and be somewhat more like the “other” type. Meeting in the middle can help a lot of people. But we can also look for mates of the opposite sex who are more like us. Because there are plenty of female zoremers, and plenty of male rules-followers, too!
Nice! Thanks for the comment! Definitely being misunderstood is a major drawback of zoreming. Thank God, if I’m interested in someone, if something bothers me, I try to ask the person for clarification. With Mr. Zoremer, a certain zorem action (well, lack there of) made me feel uncomfortable so I brought it up and he really appreciated having the opportunity to explain himself to me. He also appreciated knowing how his actions had made me feel.
So basically, we need to communicate and zoremers, like everyone, need to be sensitive to others feelings. Because in the end of that conversation, I cared a lot more about the fact that he was sensitive about my feelings and was willing to talk about things, than whatever had happened to make me uncomfortable to begin with. Oh yeah, I also appreciated his willingness to consider changing.
Communication works! Who’da thunk it? ;-)
But yeah, totally agree, of course.