So here’s the problem. Internet has become a very important and very useful medium for many things in our life (maybe besides eating and procreating) but most of the internet is based on communicating with the written word. Ah, that isn’t your forte? Sucks for you. Good luck!
OK fine… Lets see what we can do here. On dating websites, your first impression is given through your online dating profile. Many cringe when considering this fact but I don’t think you need to be a writer to have a good profile. You just need to be willing to put some effort into it. Effort that, in my opinion, is well worth it for someone who really wants to do their best to meet their beshert.
Here are some pointers:
The photo on your profile is really important. It’s worth putting effort into finding normal pictures of yourself. In my books normal means:
You can actually see yourself in the picture (you being just a dot in the distance is not considered “seeing”)
The picture looks like you (someone would recognize you if they saw you in the picture and then met you)
It was taken within the last six months
It’s in focus
No photoshop (sorry)
A picture of your face is best – ones of your whole body only make it harder to really see what you look like.
If the lighting is weird and it makes you look scary or miserable, don’t post it! Read more…
Finally it’s here! It’s not by Vera (who normally writes these useful guides) and it includes one and one question alone. Here goes… The one question that tells you all you need to know about the other person’s religious standing.
...you look like the kind of person who cuts on the dotted line.
How do you cut toilet paper on Shabbat?
On the line – Apikores all the way
With a shinui – Oy, what to think of such a person?!
I cut it before Shabbat – Baruch Hashem.
I buy Shabbos toilet paper made in a Shomer Shabbos factory – A mehudar talmid chacham, that’s for sure.
I don’t use it, better safe than sorry – Forget hashkafa – better not to live with someone who can’t use toilet paper one day a week. I can’t imagine any good coming of that.
So the next time you want to be clear with someone on a first date where they are religiously without spending half the date discussing it, just ask them this question and you’re good to go!
P.S. I apologize to all those who have no idea what in the world I’m talking about.
When Vera and I chose the name for this site, I think we realized that thanks to Srugim, so many more people know about the Katamon singles scene and its slightly derogatory name – the Bitza (which means swamp in Hebrew).
Laizy Shapira is one of the creators, producers, etc. etc. of the extremely popular show, Srugim (סרוגים). Srugim is a show about, well, my life. Well, sort of. It’s a show about a group of Orthodox people in their 30s living in Jerusalem who want to be married but aren’t. Yep, the premise of the whole show is that the main characters aren’t where they want to be in their lives. But then, when you break things down, that is probably the premise of most shows/movies/books/blogs/etc.
Laizy was just interviewed at Jerusalem.com and you can read his interview here. I wonder if it took strength on his part to put a show like that out there when everyone knows it’s based at least somewhat on his life. He chose to share something personal with the world and that is impressive.
The new season is scheduled to start airing on January 10, 2010. I am looking forward. I watched the whole first season while sick, within two days. At first I didn’t like it because it was depressing for me. I felt like I was watching a depressingly exaggerated version of my life. And I didn’t like how the characters were acting; the decisions they were making… But very quickly the characters grew on me, I began caring about them and wanted to see what would happen to them. I think I must have been able to remove myself from their situations, realizing that it really was exaggerated – it wasn’t as if I was watching myself on TV. But I could relate so much better than I ever usually can relate to anyone on TV.
And thankfully because I was sick, I was able to find out in two days everything that happened in the whole season.
If you also want to watch the whole first season (legally) in two days, click here.
For those of you who don’t know, Rashi is probably the most famous and used commentator on the Torah and Talmud.
Now, at least Rashi was basing his commentary on something concrete. But are we doing the same when we read into people’s profiles? I recently was looking at a profile and didn’t really like how he wrote about himself. I decided to read it to a friend and she asked me what I didn’t like about it. I went through the whole thing explaining why this and that bothered me and then when I finished I said, “Basically everything that bothers me is my own interpretation on what he wrote.”
Once I read it aloud I realized for myself what I was doing. But are we even conscious how much interpretation we’re giving to things when really we can’t know what a person means by what they write, beyond what they wrote?
So, maybe when he writes that he likes fishing he isn’t necessarily going to force you to come along and when she writes that she’s close with her family it doesn’t mean that she calls her mother 10 times a day for advice on everything from what to have for breakfast to what book to read before going to sleep. I think often our interpretations are built on fears we have and if we see something resembling a familiar experience that we didn’t like, we can be turned off even if the person is nothing close to the original experience.
Finally, I am not saying to ignore your thoughts. If you are worried he’s going to pressure you to go fishing with him, then fine, keep that in mind and at some point once you’re talking, you can find out the truth. These interpretations are sort of like insticts and it is important to see if any of them are true and, of course, if they actually matter in the end.
Maybe fishing will be the best thing that ever happened to you!
Hold on tight – here comes some serious science… not really but this post contains some jargon. Warning: overdosing on jargon can be bad for your health…Warning to all anthropologists: taking this post too seriously may be bad for your professional reputation…
The latest anthropological research has unearthed some particularly interesting facts about human evolution. These facts were previously known, but like the proverbial proboscis, also known as the nose on your face, were not correctly assessed and evaluated due to the proximity between subject and object of study.
It is now known that the biped classified as homo sapiens (although exactly how sapiens this species is no-one is quite sure) after going through mammalian birth and soul-wrenching puberty, morphs into what some consider to be a completely different species.
This species has now been classified as homo nuptans, the evolutionary stage that emerges after traditional mating rituals and bonding have been completed. Some experts claim that this species is so far removed from the original homo sapiens that there may even be a missing link involved. Detractors say the missing link has been found to be situated between these researchers’ ears.
Homo Nuptans, contend the “pro-alien” experts as they have been fondly nicknamed, is different from Homo Sapiens in many ways:
The sapiens bit seems to be greatly reduced, with each member of the homo nuptans team contributing towards the collective IQ of the homo nuptans pair.
Posture changes drastically but eratically, some homo nuptans seem to regress towards a “knuckling” gait, whereas others seem to stand taller and larger than before.
The female homo nuptans often changes shape so drastically following reproduction that it is questionable whether this is a further stage of evolution, and this is being studied by eminent scientists worldwide.
Homo nuptans of both sexes have tremendous arm muscles and superior hand-eye coordination, suited to the favourite sport of homo nuptans pairs – throwing heavy objects at each other and just managing to miss, causing extreme distress but no lasting damage.
Many, if not most homo nuptans have no memory of any previous existence as homo sapiens.
Is homo nuptans truly a different species? Has it mutated from homo sapiens, or have homo nuptans come to us from distant extraterrestrial civilisations? And most importantly, have homo nuptans come amongst us to learn, or to teach?
We may never know. Homo nuptans are at present at grave risk of extinction. Their numbers grow less with every generation. Whole geographic areas, especially swampy environs, are now empty of homo nuptans, and these areas are growing.
Can homo nuptans survive? It may be up to you…
Photo: Barbary Macaque Macaca sylvanus, by Dave-F on flickr
I just heard about PostSecret, the site where people write in a deep dark seceret anonymously to be posted online. It’s a fascinating blog, worth checking out.
It makes me think about secrets and why we have them. Why would I have a secret if not for the fact I was worried how people would react to it? Secret keeping probably stems from the fear that we’ll be less loveable, less respected, less wanted, if people know the truth.
When it comes to dating, I think everyone thinks there are things about them that will make it very difficult, if not impossible, for them to get married (without the shotgun). Some of these things won’t be kept secret and some will but all create the same fear that if the fact is known it’ll make it very difficult to find someone who can accept the flaws.
The thing is, though, I’m not sure if you noticed but married people have huge flaws too. So maybe we’re OK after all. :) Maybe the real question is, are we willing to accept others with their flaws?
For those of you who actually know what a doula is, yep, you read it right! A doula is a person that helps a woman while she is giving birth. Anyway, supposedly for the first time ever there is doula speed dating and it’s taking place in beautiful Vancouver. (I’m so proud.) According to one of the people organizing it, the idea is that it’s important to go with your instinct regarding your doula and only to choose a doula with whom you feel a certain connection. So on the eve of this speed dating, couples will get a few minutes with a bunch of different doulas and then get to see who they felt good about.
While this is very innovative (and organized, among others, by a woman whose organization is called Adar Birth Services – yes, after the month of Adar – read here why she chose that name) I don’t know about you but this type of evening wouldn’t really attract me. You know why? Because it feels so random. For most services we need, especially really serious ones like those that would be used during a birth, we will take a recommendation from a friend in a second over another totally competent, but random service provider.
That is a major issue with dating as well, including speed dating and singles events. I think the randomness is often too difficult for us to deal with and it’s hard to move past the randomness and truly start to get to know someone – especially where there are, say, 10 other random people in the room (or on the website) for you to consider.
This si not to say that these other options shouldn’t exist. Just that I keep thinking more and more how true it is that the less randomness in dating, the better. People don’t like random. People don’t feel comfortable with it. There is so much unknown. And possibly so much less in common. Of course I believe that every story exists, including the “random” stories of people meeting in random places, etc. etc. But I do think it might be “easier” to meet the right person through someone you know as opposed to through an event filled with random people or on a regular dating website where you have no connection to the other person that you know of.
Yesterday I created a new page on HaBitza.com focused on online dating. I plan for it to grow over time and I have some plans regarding it. Of course the #1 resource I’ll mention there is HaBitza.com. :)
But seriously, we’re thinking it would be a good place to discuss the different online places one can go in order to try to meet their match and also give tips on how to maximize the dating experience online. Please check it out here and let us know what you would like to see on this new part of HaBitza.com.
There is also a first “daughter” page there where I went through the online dating profile giving tips on how to create an online profile that gives a real feel to people of who you are. Let me know if there is anything I should add!
I posted this video on facebook and wrote that I didn’t like that the computer has video games on it. You go to a restaurant and then instead of talking to the person you’re with, you can play video games?!
My wise and funny sister (you know who you are) pointed out to me that this computer would take nightmare dating to a whole new level. I cringe! Ah!!!
A few years back, when I was about to make some pretty huge decisions, I’d have lengthy conversations with a certain friend about my thoughts and feelings regarding these impending decisions. Interestingly she pointed out to me over and over again that I kept mentioning my fears and how they were stopping me from making the choices I felt I needed to make.
Now, all these years later, I was having a conversation with a friend on Shabbat who said that from his extensive research on the topic of singles who want to be married, he agrees with a certain opinion that it is fear that is stopping people from getting into serious relationships that lead to marriage.
Hmmm… Is that true? Is it all about fear? I don’t know why I find it hard to believe. Though, at the same time, when I think of the things I consider obstacles to people connecting to each other, maybe they do boil down to fears. For example, I think that maybe we’re too focused on external things about others and we don’t allow people to teach us about their real selves. But maybe that is out of fear. Fear of ending up with someone “less” than you pictured. Fear of realizing you’re wrong about certain perceptions you have of the world.
What do you think? Is there one main factor behind the fact that there are so many people who are single but don’t want to be?
Habitza (heb.) means the swamp. It is the name given to the singles scene in Katamon, Jerusalem.
Any connotations involving frogs, princesses, etc. are purely coincidental. Any characters referred to are totally fictional and any perceived similarities derive from your overactive imagination.
When Vera and I chose the name for this site, I think we realized that thanks to Srugim, so many more people know about the Katamon singles scene and its slightly derogatory name – the Bitza (which means swamp in Hebrew).
I just heard about 
