The Dilemma
Many of us live our lives looking for some kind of plan, some kind of blueprint for the future. The blueprint can include some ideas about work, about where to live, about lifestyle.
But for most singles, almost by definition, uncertainty is the name of the game. We take it for granted, but for single women many don’t even know if they will finish the year with the same family name they had when they started it. Uncertainty about your own name. Uncertainty about whether to buy furniture (maybe my husband/wife won’t like it). Uncertainty about whether to buy kitchen equipment (buy something cheap, you’ll get tons of these for wedding presents). Uncertainty about whether to buy a small apartment that is not family friendly, or whether to wait.
For us, it was a dilemma: were we to live our lives out as constant “ladies in waiting”? Waiting for a husband? Firstly, that fed right into the uncertainty, strengthened it. It was like life was transient, nothing had real value because everything was conditional, I can take this job till I get married, I must develop my career now because afterwards who knows… And secondly, how can I say this, it didn’t look good. If someone asked – what do you do? – to answer “I’m looking for a husband” didn’t look good. It looked like we didn’t have a life. As we got older, it looked like we were bitter, nebbichy. And the most frustrating thing was – this was a girl thing. A guy could say “I’m looking for a wife” and sound manly, purposeful. A woman who declared “I’m looking for a husband”? So many sad jokes have been written about that one.
But the other side of the dilemma was this: it’s not good to wait around for someone who may or may not come. It wasn’t joyous to put all our energies into something that may or may not happen. So some of us created lives filled with fun, action, careers, adventure, we created identities that were independent of looking for spouses, we refused to buy into the idea that “you’re only half a person until you’re married and meet your other half”. We refused to be temporary, conditional.
In the end, some of us married, some of us didn’t. Some went ahead and had families without getting married. Each to their own direction.
Many things have changed on the dating scene in the last 15 years, but some things have stayed the same. Deena wrote about this several posts ago. It seems that it is still taboo, uncool, for a woman to say “I’m looking for a husband” (much kudos to the reader who uses “insearchofhubby” as her username!). And no middle way has been found to resolve the dilemma, whether to focus on getting married, or to focus on living life to the full, married or not.
Deena
Vera Resnick
I’m not sure I agree that it’s considered more respectful for a guy to be looking for a wife than visa versa but if it is true, I wonder if it’s because it is clear to most people that the guy has the more active role in pursuing his wife, maybe asking girls out, etc. Maybe the image of a girl looking for a husband is sitting at home waiting for a knock at the door. Going to a party and waiting for a guy to pick her up.
I recently met a woman who is probably more proactive in asking guys out than most guys are in asking girls out. Maybe if girls take more action it won’t sound as nebach.
For a while (how many years was that?) I bought into the uncertainty principle, that life before marriage was of little or no value, or that its only value was to show what a great catch you were. Getting married was my total focus and I was convinced that I was going to get married at any moment, which made everything even more temporary for me. It affected every area of my life, until, very sadly, I learned that a friend of a friend had passed away, in her early thirties and unmarried. That was my wake up call to start living my life and stop waiting. My life is no longer on hold. It’s now.
I had never thought about your point about the difference between men and women saying they are looking for a husband, but it rang very true. The man can openly pursue and proclaim that, whereas it is much more of a balancing act for a woman. Not only should she not be too “pushy”, she shouldn’t be too passive either. A woman who says she is looking for a husband may be the butt of jokes, but so will a woman who says that she is just sitting back waiting for the One. Halachically and spiritually (See Rav Ginsburg’s “Brit Hanisuim”) it is the man’s role to seek out his wife, to be married and to complete his wife, whilst the woman is the “aveida” to be sought out. Yet it is also, 2009.