The art of building a readable, accurate online dating profile
So here’s the problem. Internet has become a very important and very useful medium for many things in our life (maybe besides eating and procreating) but most of the internet is based on communicating with the written word. Ah, that isn’t your forte? Sucks for you. Good luck!
OK fine… Lets see what we can do here. On dating websites, your first impression is given through your online dating profile. Many cringe when considering this fact but I don’t think you need to be a writer to have a good profile. You just need to be willing to put some effort into it. Effort that, in my opinion, is well worth it for someone who really wants to do their best to meet their beshert.
Here are some pointers:
The photo on your profile is really important. It’s worth putting effort into finding normal pictures of yourself. In my books normal means:
- You can actually see yourself in the picture (you being just a dot in the distance is not considered “seeing”)
- The picture looks like you (someone would recognize you if they saw you in the picture and then met you)
- It was taken within the last six months
- It’s in focus
- No photoshop (sorry)
- A picture of your face is best – ones of your whole body only make it harder to really see what you look like.
- If the lighting is weird and it makes you look scary or miserable, don’t post it!
- And, it’s a good idea to put up more than one, especially if you don’t like how you look in pictures, because it helps give a fuller picture of how you really look.
- I know this is cultural and I hate to force my culture on others but can you really not give the camera at least an itty bitty smile?
- One extra tip to keep in mind: If you really do look miserable (or scary) in all your pictures, please don’t expect much online dating success. You could be the nicest person but freaky pictures online is not exactly the type of thing that’ll get people knocking at your virtual door. Online dating creates enough hesitation as it is.
Many sites ask you to list the top 3-4 personality traits that characterize you.
This I have found to be a little difficult because you can hesitate clicking on the true answers because of the following reasons:
- You prefer people wouldn’t think/know those things about you.
- You feel like you’re lauding your own praises.
We’ve gotta have faith that we have the highest chance of meeting the right person if we’re as real as possible. When I had trouble filling this part out, I asked myself what my best friend would say about me and I imagined it was her filling it out. I don’t know if it’s exactly what she would say but I do feel like it’s pretty accurate now.
Describe yourself
Talk about torture. Sooooo many guys (I’m guessing girls too) start off their profile with a disclaimer about how much they hate writing about themselves and that they don’t feel they are capable of doing so. Yes, it’s not easy, but it’s possible. Not sure when the last time was you did this but really, in order to be real here, you’ll actually have to take a true look at yourself. What do you like, what don’t you like? How do you spend your time? What types of people do you enjoy? Are there things in life you especially love? What are the things about you that you prefer to hide from the public eye? You won’t write about these things in your profile but it’s important to be aware of them. Are you able to give a clear and honest explanation of where you are religiously?
When you write it, it doesn’t have to be long. Really, it shouldn’t be. You’re only giving the person a feel for who you are. And feel free to use phrases like: “I think I’m…” or, “I feel that ____ is very important to me…”
What you’re looking for in a mate
Like everything in life, filling out this section is a matter of balance. You don’t want to write too little (example: “I am looking for a nice, pretty girl to spend my life with.”) or too much (example: “I’m looking for a wonderful girl who is 5’7, weighs 120lb, has black straight hair, dark piercing eyes, laughs at all my jokes, cooks amazingly, is patient and kind, especially to me, knows how to stand up for me even when I’m wrong, loves van Gogh and is a good Jewish girl.”)
How about forget both of those and aim for somewhere in the middle. Sit down and seriously consider: What type of person do you find yourself attracted to? Loud, quiet, serious, jokey… What traits do you feel are important for you and which feel like you cannot do without? Be honest with yourself. You won’t have to write everything in your profile but being honest with yourself will help you express yourself in your profile.
But you’ve gotta give the person something to work with! Maybe you need someone more outgoing than yourself or more chill. Maybe you picture yourself with someone more/less religious than yourself. It’s not written in stone, it just draws a picture so say it and, to be sure it’s not written in stone, use words like, “I imagine myself ending up with someone who…” or “I can see how a guy who is more chill than me would work.”
Something very important: Don’t scare people off! If you write too much about the awesomeness of this person you haven’t yet met, many people will be put off and decide they could never fit the expectations. It is very possible that in those cases where people write too much, it’s that they are imagining how they would feel with the girl/guy of their dreams. But that is a very different stage of the game. Right now, you want the person to know that you have certain expectations of the person being nice, normal, whatever, but you also know fully well (I hope) that everyone is human and you just want to meet that human with whom you can build a life.
Get a friend’s help
Asking someone you trust and feel relatively close to, to help you with your profile is a very good idea. They can tell you if they feel it depicts the real you. They can show you where you may have dwelled on something too long or forgot to mention something important. We are 100% (ok 99%) subjective about ourselves so getting another opinion can really help.
One more thing. As much as I believe it’s a good idea to try to improve your online profile, that doesn’t mean everyone will have a great profile (far from it). And that doesn’t necessarily mean you should nix someone just because their profile isn’t up to par with your own. As far as trying to desipher other people’s profiles, though, that’ll have to wait for another time when we can discuss The Art of Online Profile Desiphering.
btw, speaking of online profiles, do you even use online dating? Please make sure to answer our current poll asking you how active you are with online dating. Thanks!
The number one complaint from girls on dating sites is that the messages from boys tend to be of the “hi, hows it goin” nature. So the the real secret in profile composition for girls is to include things that will actually give boys something to ask about. This is much more difficult than just listing interests. It’s partly about being unique, which is difficult enough for most people, and partly about phrasing things in such a way that they can actually start a conversation. My advice to girls is to read your own profile from the point of view of a boy who thinks you’re attractive and wants to engage you in conversation to discover if you’re interesting as well.
I think everything you wrote is not specifically about girls’ profiles since girls are also reading guys’ profiles and trying to decide 1) whether or not to contact a guy and if so, 2) how the heck to start off.
At the same time, I think that originality is over-rated. I’m a big-talker because of course I need the guy to intrigue me in some way but in general, we all have things that are special about us but we are not all necessarily writers – not to mention that almost no one is capable of looking at their own profiles from someone else’s perspective, IMHO – and I think that being somewhat forgiving of other people’s profiles and also about what the person’s first “pick-up” line is, is way more important than the actual content or the pick-up line.
(I am sorry if I am ever hyper-judgemental of someone’s profile and am happy if I ever get a second chance with that person, if you know what I mean.)
I repeat, I’m a big-talker here. But people shouldn’t feel like they need to be acting out some perfect performance every time they strike up a conversation with someone.
P.S. Recently a guy contacted me on a dating site and he seemed sort of boring but I thought, OK, lets see… It was the craziest chat I’ve ever had because he said and asked nothing of any interest whatsoever. Seriously. There was basically no substance at all to our chat. And then I was surprised when he proceeded to email me and say he enjoyed talking to me and wanted to continue being in touch. :)
P.P.S. Thanks for your comment, ngngng.
Online dating profiles are a little odd in that they presuppose that men and women are equally disposed to display and to select. In fact, usually in nature and throughout the prehistory and history of human evolution almost exclusively, males display and females select.
No matter how much anyone tries to equalize the online experience for men and women, you’ll still see masses of boys coming onto these sites and using them to message as many girls as they can, while the girls choose to reply only to the highest quality messages from the highest quality boys.
I don’t think the typical male approach to these dating sites – message early and often – is wrong. Nor do I think girls are wrong to be selective and even judgmental. That’s just the way things work.
Of course boys should try to increase the quality of their profiles and of their messages, and not just to rely on massive inundation of the female dating site population. But boys already know they need to improve themselves and their messages… and a boy who sends lame messages is just showing himself to be of low quality. Girls, however, have the special ability to help themselves by tweaking their profiles to increase the quality of the messages they receive and consequently to make the boys who message them seem more appealing. Boys don’t have that opportunity.