HaBitza

(This is actually a pretty fun game.)

I keep noticing myself self-censoring. I often feel like using the word “problem.” I want to write about what we’re doing in order to help the singles “problem.” Even I cringe when I think of using that word. The singles problem? Who decided there is a problem?

And the other word I keep feeling prone to using is, “help.” There are people who want to try to help singles meet their besherts. Right?

Again, there is a slight cringe in there. But why?! Isn’t it true? Is there not a problem? What’s the big deal to put it in those words? Every single human in this world has “problems.” Here is how wikipedia defines the word “problem”:

A problem is an issue or obstacle which makes it difficult to achieve a desired goal, objective or purpose. It refers to a situation, condition, or issue that is yet unresolved. In a broad sense, a problem exists when an individual becomes aware of a significant difference between what actually is and what is desired.

The fact is that there are many, many people out there who don’t want to be single, but are. Would those individuals, at least privately, not say that they feel this is a problem in their lives? Why does there seem to be a taboo around this so that many of us feel the need to pretend that nothing’s wrong?

I think that this all goes down to the fact that people are usually very private about their personal problems. Actually, the “worse” the problem in the person’s eyes, probably the more private they become. As I see it, there are two main reasons people are private about their problems. One is that when you’re going through something difficult, you feel weaker and so you need to protect yourself and make sure to talk about your problems with the right people so that you get support instead of having people say things to you that could be harmful.

The other reason is the one that is more important to me here and that is that most of us feel this need to show ourselves in a strong light. If we talk about a problem we have or worse, admit we need/want help with it, there is a worry that people will see us as weak, and like and respect us less for showing our real weaknesses. They will look at us differently. Otherwise, what’s the big deal to go to a psychologist if you need to work through something? Or to a matchmaker or to sign up to a dating website? Or… to go to a singles event (as long as they aren’t horrible – a blog post is coming about that)?

It is like the word “problem” has entered the lexicon of words that are not politically correct. Even if someone has something in their lives that creates, in their eyes, an obstacle towards their life goals, it is not PC to call it a problem. It seems, almost, that it’s not respectable to be unhappy with your lot.  You’re supposed to be happy with what you have or at least pretend to be.

But I believe that in order to find a solution, first you need to figure out what the problem is. Would it not be helpful then to admit there is a problem to begin with?

Vera wrote about the idea of focusing on solutions instead of problems. I still think that is wise but I do think that people first have to admit there is a problem at all before real solutions can work.

Photo by KitAy on flickr.