We try, we really do
He seems nice, maybe I’ll introduce him to….oh, no, she’ll kill me, she’ll never talk to me again, I’m not even supposed to know she’s single…anyway maybe he’s awful, maybe he’s one of these guys who’s only half way normal with marrieds but when he’s a woman he turns into a gibbering half-wit, or a nasty full-wit, or some other wit that I probably shouldn’t mention here…anyway if I suggest it to her she’ll never talk to me again, I’m sure of it…or she’ll say (with a false smile hiding so much pain) “thank you for thinking of me”…yeah, thank you for stabbing me in the back, I thought you were my friend…at least I’m sure she’s thinking that…
What about her – she seems so sweet… I’ll set her up with… uh-oh, last time I set him up he said he never, ever, ever wanted me to suggest anything to him again. He said the woman I introduced him to was bitter, unpleasant, domineering, uncompromising, and far too religious, and how could I not be able to tell? He said she got mad when he opened the door, but then got mad when he offered to pay, and got mad when he offered to see her home, but got mad that…, but she seemed so nice! she was so nice! what happened? maybe this one is also like that, how can I tell… but she seems so sweet…
There are a few ways to understand what’s going on:
a. All singles are schizophrenic (with apologies to schizophrenics)
b. All marrieds have lousy judgment
c. G*d is the only one qualified to make matches, so maybe we should stay out of this…
And to all the singles out there, in the name of all the would-be, amateur, non-psychologist, non-mind-reading, non-psychic matchmakers out there:
We try! We really do! But you’ve got to be more forgiving and lighten up if you really want us to keep trying!
Here’s an idea about different perspectives. For marrieds, someone who has two eyes and one nose, and doesn’t rub the pot roast all over his chest (that last bit from “Excitable Boy” by Warren Zevon, z”l) seems OK, but you’re not thinking “could I live with this person until 120?”, let alone “could I get intimate with this person?” or “do I want my children to look like this person?” On the other hand you may have learned a thing or two about what really does matter in a relationship, so try to share that in a not too preachy way, and definitely stay away from the “you’re only half a soul before you’re married so you can’t make decisions on your own” thing I heard at a lecture once.
Or maybe your standards for a suitable match have changed because you’re comparing him or her to your children? At least he can tie his own shoes and she can get herself ready for work in the morning without any tantrums. Well why don’t you tell me why you think she’s right for me, and I’ll let you know if I see that as a good thing or not. Seriously, have something more to say than “you’re both single”.
Great post. I really, really agree.
Far far better to try and get it wrong a few times than not to try at all…