Shame on you, Yetzer Hara.
The someone that Vera mentioned in her blog post, “Is there a problem? And is that important?” was yours truly (how kind of her to omit that fact). Yeah, my ego, my id or something in between has been wondering if there really is anything wrong with the dating world at all. I said to Vera, “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with the dating world and it’s just a matter of waiting until us singles meet our besherts.” Basically I was theorizing that we have no control whatsoever over the situation. All we can do is do whatever, however, and wait it out.
What a depressing thought. This is serious yetzer hara talk (the evil inner voice of (self-)destruction) if you ask me.
I think that that comment I made came from a place in me that feels exactly the opposite. What I really think is that maybe there are very real problems in the dating community but when I think of actually trying to make a difference, my reaction (to myself) is that it’s presumptuous of me to think that little ol’ me can facilitate change. And since I question my abilities to make a difference, I flip the whole thing around and say, “Well, who am I to decide whether or not there is a problem and who am I to think I have any answers?” And then it’s OK that I can’t make a difference because no difference can or has to be made anyway.
Yetzer hara or what?! This is a perfect recipe for demoralization.
I think that what Vera said in her piece yesterday is very wise. She said it’s not about what’s wrong but “What can I do better?” These attitudes are so closely related to each other that they almost seem like the same thing. But they are also totally different from each other because one focuses backwards and downwards while the other just focuses forwards and upwards.
And, of course, she is right that life is such that in everything we’re doing, there is always room for improvement. There is no such thing as a perfect recipe (except for demoralization, read above) or business or relationship. There is no such thing as the perfect speech or date or meal. There is such a thing as wonderful experiences (like when you go to hear an amazing concert or eat a beautiful meal) but we can always continue to work on improving whatever it is we’re doing.
And would you not agree that there is room for improvement in the world of dating? I know – who wants to focus on this anyway. We just want to be married and done with it but while we’re here, is it not important to improve the situation we’re in?
I think a LOT of people in Katamon think exactly that, that “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with the dating world and it’s just a matter of waiting until us singles meet our besherts.”
They couldn’t be more wrong. (Please forgive that I will now just respond to that and not the rest of the post.)
Mr. or Ms. Beshert is not going to come along with a sign saying ‘The One.’ Really. There’s no way to know. As if he/she’s going to have this radiant smile and there will be background music and angels singing. Nope. Not going to happen.
The truth is, that even when you find ‘the one’, it takes a whole lot of willingness and even more hard work. Maybe the problem is that – we aren’t willing or able to make that effort, for whatever reason. And that’s where the work needs to be done.
Chaval, thanks so much for your comment. I’m glad to know I’m not alone. :)