SMSing after a first date – a no-no
Our latest poll question was:
If you met someone over the Internet or were set up and didn’t know each other before, is it OK to reject that person after ONE date by text message?
(SMS is text messaging, btw.) (btw is by the way.)
Honestly, when Vera and I first discussed it, I thought it was a great idea. When you have had no connection with someone before being set up (or meeting online), you only went out once, and you know you don’t want to go out again, what’s the big deal breaking it off with an SMS? It’s not even a break-up, you guys barely even know each other’s names. So isn’t it so much easier for both sides to not have to make contact again with that dreaded post-first-date phone call to say, “Hi, you’re really nice, etc. etc., but I don’t think I want to go out again. Thanks. Have a good life”?
Here were the results at the time of publishing of this post:
5 voters (26%) said: Amazing idea! – Can be so much less painful for both sides
8 voters (42%) said: That’s terrible! – Shows a lack of respect and appreciation.
No one said: Yes, but only for people who meet through the internet.
1 voter (5%) said: I don’t know.
5 voters (26%) said: Other.
You can still vote, if you haven’t yet.
Within a couple of days I totally changed my mind. I agree with the majority who say that it’s a bad idea. I’m curious what people’s reasonings are but I can tell you mine.
I ran the idea by a friend of mine. And we got to talking about a terrible syndrome – the One Date Syndrome. We were discussing how easy it is in the religious dating world to go on first date after first date for an extended period of time. And from talking to her I realized it’s probably a very bad idea to make it easier to go on only one date. If people feel responsibility towards each other, it will lower the chances of discarding someone out after one date. I use that harsh language because maybe that’s what it becomes. And if you can SMS a goodbye after one date, it makes it that much easier to enter the One Date Syndrome. On the other hand, if you’re forced to face the other person directly, this might help you keep perspective of the fact that they really are human.
So, that is my opinion. As far as it being the menschlech thing to do, I don’t agree 100% because if it were accepted to SMS a “no” after a first date (NOT after more than one date, of course), then it would be considered menschlech and anyway, who said the person being rejected really needs that call? Is there not something easier about being “rejected” (the quotation marks are because it’s barely a rejection after one date) in writing instead of having to go through the silly phone call where the two people talk politely for a couple of minutes and then one of the people (if not both) finds out that the other actually is intending on discontinuing communication after those two minutes?
Bottom line, SMSing a “no” after a first date is………. drum roll……………………….. a big no-no.
Deena
Vera Resnick
I’m afraid I don’t get the bit about how voice-call breakups will change one date syndrome. Will people go out on more dates to avoid breaking up by voice? Will they realize during that call that there is a human on the other end and go out again? Will the thought of the call lead them to a greater appreciation of the other person before they make it? Will memories of previous voice breakups create greater sensitivity on future first dates?
I tend to think text break-ups should be allowed. People tend to procrastinate about saying no, (also sometimes about saying yes), and for every day that the “no” is delayed, the rejectee will take it harder. So if texting it will allow everyone to move on – take advantage of the joys of technology. However, since all the people who agree with me chose not to vote on this one so far, I consider myself over-ruled.
p_almonius, good question… I think maybe it shouldn’t be that easy to dispose of people and the more removed you make it, the easier it is. Even going through a matchmaker to say no is better because you still have to “answer” to a human. Does that make sense? It’s like religious dating has become set up for the One Date Syndrome already and this just makes it worse.
I’m a big talker, of course, because I’ve got Zero Date Syndrome.
I counted 6 people who thought that texting a “breakup” is a good idea. There are multiple trains of thought on this issue for me:
a) that one date isn’t a relationship, so there’s not much to break up
b) this assumes the two aren’t using an intermediary to communicate interest (matchmaker, or similar)
But I’m going with option C…
ARE YOU KIDDING??? How can you text someone that it’s over??? That’s the most impersonal, rude idea I’ve heard in a very long time. Be respectful, muster up the inner strength, and dump the person over the phone. What’s next, are nursing homes going to send text messages to notify adults that their elderly parents have passed away? Text message divorce papers? If someone’s doctor text-messaged them that their test results showed cancer, I’d imagine that they’d be pretty pissed off.
Yes, this is different and nowhere near the same scale, but the rule is the rule… you don’t deliver bad news via text message.
Dare I say it…all right, I’ll say it…the girl doesn’t always see it as bad news…oh, but that was bad news so I shouldn’t have written it, no seriously… In these days of advanced communications, a lot of bad news is either delivered by text, e-mail or blog comment – or it doesn’t get delivered at all. The question is whether speed is more important than possibly misplaced tact and sensitivity. Have to admit – I really liked your examples though! A bit like the use of automated switchboards on an emergency line. Also these days, you pick up your medical results online, so if anything isn’t there and one is called in to see the doc it’s probably tehillim-time. Chas Veshalom. Let’s stick with the good news. Amen.
Interesting stuff.
I used to think (and still do, in a way) that dumping someone by text after a first date was a fine thing to do. After all, it is very embarrassing for them to be told “to their face” that you don’t like them. Surely it is sparing their feelings so much more to just do it in a way that excludes that embarrassment – or at least that awkwardness. That’s what I used to think, but after I did exactly that once, only to find out that the girl in question was extremely angry, I’m not so sure…
Adam, I feel like Ish’s comment basically is the answer to your questioning what’s so bad about it. What’s bad about it is that for some people it feels horribly rude. It feels like a cop-out. And even if the person might have good intentions – and it’s not just that they’re trying to make their own lives easier – the other person might think, “What, and he couldn’t even give me a call?”
One date is one date. If it sucks…if the guy sucks…if the guy thinks I suck…its ONE date. People who think that its a cop out or rude, etc. to text that youre not interested (I would hardly call it a break up text)…need to seek therapy for their sad self esteem issues and stop projecting it all over the place. I’d much rather some guy I went out with once text me that he thinks I suck that have to waste my time having some strained stupid conversation where he coughs, spits, and stutters all over himself while he tries to “let me down easy.”
Jess, sounds so harsh what you say. I actually just wrote a post about how rejection hurts even after one date (http://habitza.com/2010/01/01/rejection-hurts-robots-dont-read-you-wont-understand/) and I found a few other people agreeing with the sentiments. Is this a major lack of self esteem? Maybe it’s just hard to be turned down over and over and over again. It’s amazing how even when someone is turned down by someone they didn’t really like anyway, they still feel a pang of hurt.
The dating game is not necessarily fun for all. Some people might take it more lightly while others might find it more emotionally exhausting. Is that really so crazy to you that some people find it more emotionally exhausting while others find it more fun? And does that necessarily say something bad about either?