Is the first date a lie?
I know this really crazy woman who, when she sees people on a date she feels like going up to them, pointing in their faces and yelling, “Lies! LIES LIES LIES!!!!”
Yeah, a little crazy.
Though I plan to date far from this woman out of fear of what she might do if she sees me sitting politely across from a total stranger talking about this and that while taking the tiniest bites of my soup (for some reason soup is chewy on first dates), it does make me think.
Let me ask you this: When you go out with someone, are you trying to help them get to know you for who you really are or for who you want them to think you are?
I would like to offer the idea that, unless we become very conscious of what’s happening (and have lots of faith that there is someone out there who really is going to accept us for who we are) and just try to be ourselves, we are putting on some kind of show on dates, especially first dates.
What silly topics are discussed on first dates… Do we really know if we want to cover our hair? Or have 6.4 children? Or live in Modi’in or New Square? Do we really feel fulfilled in our Judaism as is? Do we really know where we’re going to be religiously in five years from now?
The other day someone told me that he never goes out on only one date with a girl, unless the girl ends it after one date. Otherwise, he’s never felt he can get enough of a feel for a person from one date. I’m the last one to tell everyone to go on more than one date with every person they go out with but I think that this guy probably sees things a lot more clearly than a lot of us who feel we know people well enough after 2-3 fake-ish hours with them.
We want to be understood and we’re worried we won’t be. We also want to show ourselves in a positive light. But those wants might be causing us to go on first dates with agendas instead of just going out, just being who we are and slowly trying to see who the person is sitting across from us. And, I think those agendas might be clouding our judgement and probably not helping anyone get to know us any better anyway.
Absolutely, a million percent true, IF…
you like the person and want to get more of a “feel” as to who he/she is, meaning there was some interest, something that caused a spark to make you (hopefully both) want to venture onwards….
But what if the person in front of you was so boring/ not your religious “type”/ smoker/ rude/ etc etc (anyone can fill in those blanks as they see fit…), then what? have another date just for the sake of it?
I don’t think they should, first impressions count, they dont have to be the BEST first impression, but good enough to WANT to get to know the other person, don’t you agree?
Definitely if you find out something big on the first date, it’s best not to go out again but I think the question has to be asked then, is it possible to alleviate going out with that person to begin with? Maybe we should be finding out enough before a first date that we don’t even end up on a date with a smoker, a rude person or someone that is totally off the radar religiously for you, if these are things that are deal-breakers to you. What do you think?
I say, send him my way :-)
I think you meant to comment about the good looking guy. :)
You don’t know right now whether or not you will cover your hair when married???????
That just seems like something a frum dating girl would have decided already. I would be very embarrassed if my wife decided to stop covering her hair.
I think you’ve raised an important issue – so I’ve written a blog post relating to it. You’ll find it at: http://habitza.com/2009/11/25/is-the-first-date-a-lie-continued/
Deena, I think that you’re right about trying to find out about deal-breakers before the date, but sometimes someone somewhere along the way has not told the whole truth, either the shadchan or the guy (in my experience it is usually the shadchan, I’ve been lucky in that most guys I’ve met have been open about their issues), or there have been cases that it really has been a misunderstanding: the non-shomer anything girl who went out with a full-blooded chasid, and so on.
As for how much time to spend with the date before deciding to discontinue, I don’t think that there are any rules. I’m a big believer in trusting your stomach, but someone else may need a few dates to break the ice. Although, I confess that I’m terrible, sometimes I won’t go out with someone after a phone call. I have picked up on things which turned out to be correct, so why go through with the date. Rather extreme, I know a woman who can give a physical description of someone after speaking to them on the phone. I say don’t give it a chance, but go with your gut feeling. It’s usually right.
Here’s a big “what if”: what if my issues (we all have them, of course) are making my gut not be attracted to the “right” thing? I keep hearing from people that when they met the right person, it was someone that earlier (a few months, years, whatever) they wouldn’t have looked twice at them. But something changed in their outlook.
I have just spoken to a woman who does coaching and she said that every single single person she’s met has at least one thing that is stopping them from looking for the person that really would be best for them. I can’t say I disagree with you but I try SO hard to be open minded because what I want is a kind person and who knows. Maybe he’ll be weird on the phone. Maybe the first time I meet him at a meal he’ll be rude once but it turns out there’s more to the story. Maybe he’ll be so many possible different things. Maybe I’m focusing on the wrong things.