Commitment angst
I can’t decide whether to buy the red one or the blue one – does that mean I have a commitment problem? I can’t decide whether to have coffee or tea – is that also a serious indicator? Do I need help?
I can’t decide which invitation to accept for Shabbat – does that indicate a commitment phobia? Does that mean I’ll never get married? (I did, so I suppose that proves that one wrong…)
Where do commitment problems start? From what point is someone labelled a person with a commitment problem? Or phobia? Or angst? What happened to simple, non-diagnostic words, like indecisive? irresolute?
I’ll say it clearly – I’m not into the commitment problem diagnosis. I think if you’re with someone for a long time and find it hard to decide – there may be something wrong in the relationship, and he/she may not be right for you. Maybe you’re not ready to get married to this person. Maybe it’s not the right time in your life. Maybe you don’t like their deoderant. Maybe… I’ve noticed that all these diagnosed procrastinators make decisions very fast when it really feels right.
That’s what should be investigated – much more worth while (although harder work) than investigating your own navel to see if your insides have commitment problems or if you’re just emotionally constipated…
I agree with you Vera that the inability to commit could be because he/she is just not right. But not always. What if, for example, someone is great for you, but they just don’t match up to the real love of your life who you never got over, and is now unavailable. Or maybe you have trust issues from a previous relationship which is holding you back from getting too close to someone. Or, in the case of many immature men, the “what if someone better (my fantasy) was to come along” syndrome that stops them tying the knot. In other words, I don’t think it’s a question of not liking someone enough, or of someone not being “right”, but rather a lack of emotional maturity and wellbeing that stops people from making a committment.
Thanks for your comment Melanie – there are many reasons that people don’t take the step of committing to marriage. But also many times when a relationship isn’t right, the men are “blamed” for being immature – and I feel it’s often unfair. To some extent my role here is to broaden the thinking, to allow new ideas on a subject that has been relentlessly chewed over for so many years. If not being ready is equivalent to being immature perhaps that’s part of it, but I don’t see it that way. There are many factors within society that are adding to the difficulties within dating and getting married – emotional maturity or lack thereof is definitely part of the puzzle, but not all.