HaBitza

Two weeks ago we put up our first HaBitza.com poll. We asked you how you feel about singles events. No one loves them. Shocker. Most of you hate them.

Here are the numbers at the time of the publishing of this post:

59 people voted.

27 (46%) said: Kill me now. Can it be more awkward and depressing?

No one said: LOVE them! It’s what I live for.

12 people (20%) said: Nothing to lose. May as well try.

12 people (20%) said: I’m married. Thank God these are behind me.

8 people (14%) said: Other.

A theory exists that married people don’t realize that singles hate singles events. Interesting phenomenon. It could be that this is only because marrieds don’t need to think about singles events (a single event to a married person is like a lamaze class to a single guy). But I wonder if married people who are planning singles events know how we feel about them. As I wrote earlier, I can appreciate the effort and the thought behind it. But maybe that’s not enough.

What is it about singles events that is so difficult? Meat-market is one thing you hear. Fish bowl is another. Yes, the thought of sitting in a room with people checking each other out with that goal and no other is not the most pleasant. Something else I heard about them, I cannot write here out of fear of being offensive but if you plan singles events and want to know, please send me a private email.

Are singles events effective, though? I wonder…

Anyway, I know that for me, having married peers at an event can make all the difference. It creates an environment of normalcy. Today when I was talking to Vera about this topic, she pointed out that once you’re married it can be difficult to meet new people. So, why could there not be an event that has some kind of meaningful/interesting content (a musical evening, a good class or just awesome food) and let it be a social event for all “young adults” (or whatever specific age group) to meet new people. There could be a program at the event that helps new people meet each other without the focus being on making matches.

Please write your thoughts about singles events. What types of events are you attracted to? Which ones make you cringe? If you write your opinion, the people who are planning these events can change them accordingly!

If you haven’t voted yet, please feel free to below. The poll is still active.

I’ve heard many single women tell me they’ve thought of going on a dating diet. Reasons I hear are feeling emotionally drained and feeling the need to focus on other things in their lives. (Is it only girls that consider going on dating breaks?)

I wonder what would happen if we all decided to go on a dating strike. Yes, a strike. Not just one of us here and there but the whole Bitza choosing not to date for a month. OK, a week… A day? :)

But seriously, what if none of us made any choices around dating that week – no hearing about offers (if someone calls with an offer, say you’ll call back next week), no first dates… No talking about it. You go where you want to go without using beshert-hunting as a factor in your choices. Do you think the world would come to an end? Do you think anything unbelievable or super-natural would happen?

Someone pointed out to me that included in this strike would be HaBitza.com not being active. I told her that Habitza.com is like the ambulance that has to keep functioning even when ambulance workers are on strike. Pikuach nefesh, of course. But, of course, we’d work on a limited basis. Maybe just focused on spreading news of the strike or something.

So, are you with me?!?!?!!?

P.S. Of course those of us who are already dating someone don’t need to put it on hold. Don’t come back to me crying when the person dumped you after you ignored them for a week.

Photo by aflcio2008 on flickr.

I’m writing this entire blog post in continuation of Deena’s post on “Is the first date a lie?”, and partly in reply to a faithful commenter (consider yourself honoured…) who wrote:

“You don’t know right now whether or not you will cover your hair when married???????
That just seems like something a frum dating girl would have decided already.”

The issue is not what you know or don’t know. The issue is what you think you know but don’t really know, because you’re still in the theory of marriage, not in the real world of marriage.The distinction is subtle, but when it comes into play after getting married it can hit like a ton of bricks.

For example: a person can know, absolutely, before getting married that he/she wants a large family, as many as the Good L*rd gifts, but after the first two, three kids and many sleepless nights, tattered nerves etc. well does he/she still know that? A girl can be certain she wants to cover her hair, believes in it fully, but after marriage discovers that constant covering her hair gives her a constant (physical) headache? Or the reverse – a guy can be certain he doesn’t want his wife to wear a realistic looking wig – but when he sees the beautiful girl he married wearing a “shmatta” over her glorious blond/red/brown/expensive highlights  hair every day he might “know” things differently, especially if her hair starts falling out….yeah, it happens

Religious issues should be sorted out as much as possible before meeting, but it is always possible that even strongly held beliefs and ideas can change when held under the sharp light of reality.  Sometimes this is enough to break up a marriage – but the best partnerships often survive heavy-duty earthquakes of this kind.

When dating, people often make many announcements and declarations: “this is important to me, this should be important to you.”  But when you’re married, if you truly feel your spouse is your soulmate, your partner, your best friend, all these distinctions stretch a little.  They have to, because human beings are not set in stone.  But that, gentle readers, is the subject for the next blog site on issues within marriage…

Chanale?  I’d like to introduce you to a fine young man… he’s called Moishie – oh, you know him?  You’re friends?  Oh, you met at a singles weekend four years ago.  Very nice, but what about..?  I understand.  You’re friends.. OK, I’ll try some other time.

Chaim?  How are you?  Yes, how did you guess, I’m calling to suggest…What’s her name?  Chana -?  Oh.  You know each other.  You were at a Shabbat together two months ago.  So why not go… Oh, you don’t go out with friends.  Oh.  Well – I’ll keep trying, if you want.  You’re sure?  Of course I understand you want to get married, OK, I’ll see if I can think of anyone else…

Shoshana?  Yes I haven’t spoken to you in ages, but this one sounds like…His name?  Chaim… yes, the tall one,  OK not so much hair but…Ah.  You went sky-diving together 3 years ago.  Don’t tell me – you’re friends, right?  So you can’t go out?  Oh..I understand..

Yossi?  I have a terrific girl for you, her name is Shosh-…you know her?  You’re facebook friends.  So why don’t you…?  Sorry I suggested it… have you ever met each other?  No, you just chat a lot… and you wouldn’t consider..?  You don’t want to rock the chat boat…

The moral of the story:  If you’re single and serious about getting married, don’t spend too much time in chat rooms…

Disclaimer:  any similarity with any real Chanales, Chaims, Shoshanas and Yossis is a figment of your imagination.

Dear Yenta/Chick,

I have a terrible problem.  I’m a 35 year old single guy.  No-one will go out with me.  No-one will set me up.  They say I’m not serious.  They say I must be dumb.  When I ask why they won’t answer me.  Finally a girl told me the other day that it’s because I’m blond, blue-eyed, tall, lean (I work out), well-dressed (I enjoy wearing nice clothes – is there something wrong with that?), and girls just don’t go for that kind of thing these days.  I’m religious, I go to a regular shiur, study every day, and always try to work on myself, but no-one believes me.  My friend says it’s because I don’t wear glasses, don’t stoop, and when I grow a beard it doesn’t look scraggly enough.  It’s gotten to the point where I’m wondering whether to dye my hair, put on a creased suit and a black hat with crumbs in it, and gain a few pounds.  What should I do?

GL, Arizona

Yenta says:

No, no, you should stay exactly as you are… and sweetheart – why don’t you send me your phone number?  To my private e-mail,.. yes, it’s for Chick…

I know this really crazy woman who, when she sees people on a date she feels like going up to them, pointing in their faces and yelling, “Lies! LIES LIES LIES!!!!”

Yeah, a little crazy.

Though I plan to date far from this woman out of fear of what she might do if she sees me sitting politely across from a total stranger talking about this and that while taking the tiniest bites of my soup (for some reason soup is chewy on first dates), it does make me think.

Let me ask you this: When you go out with someone, are you trying to help them get to know you for who you really are or for who you want them to think you are?

I would like to offer the idea that, unless we become very conscious of what’s happening (and have lots of faith that there is someone out there who really is going to accept us for who we are) and just try to be ourselves, we are putting on some kind of show on dates, especially first dates.

What silly topics are discussed on first dates… Do we really know if we want to cover our hair? Or have 6.4 children? Or live in Modi’in or New Square? Do we really feel fulfilled in our Judaism as is? Do we really know where we’re going to be religiously in five years from now?

The other day someone told me that he never goes out on only one date with a girl, unless the girl ends it after one date. Otherwise, he’s never felt he can get enough of a feel for a person from one date. I’m the last one to tell everyone to go on more than one date with every person they go out with but I think that this guy probably sees things a lot more clearly than a lot of us who feel we know people well enough after 2-3 fake-ish hours with them.

We want to be understood and we’re worried we won’t be. We also want to show ourselves in a positive light. But those wants might be causing us to go on first dates with agendas instead of just going out, just being who we are and slowly trying to see who the person is sitting across from us. And, I think those agendas might be clouding our judgement and probably not helping anyone get to know us any better anyway.

with deepest apologies to Edgar Allan Poe…

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“‘Tis some shidduch,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door–
Only this, and nothing more.”

However no-one was at the door, I turned back to my forgotten lore,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice:
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore–
Let me figure out why this guy believes the window is the door
If it’s a burglar, he’ll hit the floor.

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately bloke wearing suit and hat as of yore;
Not the least excuse made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of a yeshiva bochur, headed for my chamber door–
Stood upon the welcome mat just outside my chamber door–
Stood and stood, and nothing more.

Ghastly grim and ancient shidduch wandering from the swampy shore–
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Bitzonian shore!”
But the shidduch, standing lonely on the welcome mat, spoke only
Just one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered–not a feather on his hat he fluttered–
Quoth the Shidduch, “Nevermore.”

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store.”
“No,” he said, “I cannot do this, I cannot do this any more,
I tried the window,and I see, it’s just no better than the door,
Date after date has followed fast, I’ve had enough, no burdens more
“Aren’t you Chaim,” I enquired, “of the Catskills single state?”
“My name is now “never”,” quoth the shidduch
“Never, as in nevermore”.

“Be that word our sign in parting, bloke or fiend,” I shrieked, upstarting–
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Bitzonian shore!
Leave no black hat as a token of those dates you’ve cowardly broken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!–quit the mat beneath my door!
Get lost, depart, just please get going, and take thy form out through my door!”
Quoth the Shidduch, “Nevermore.”

And the Shidduch, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the bright red welcome mat beneath my chamber door;
And he’s scaring off all the others, like a demon that is haunting,
And the lamplight o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
A nightmare date for me and the Shidduch,
To be repeated? –nevermore!

Some people have the craziest date stories. Lately when people tell me they have been on nightmare dates, I ask them why they think that happened. I’ve gotten two answers so far, both similar but different, and both having to do with their own choices. In other words, they both blame themselves.

One woman said that she just didn’t respect herself enough so she said yes to dates too easily without a proper process of elimination.   She attributes her choices to lack of self respect.

Another woman said she had the wrong idea of what would be considered her hishtadlut. Hishtadlut means effort but it’s used in reference to our partnership with God. The idea is that if we put in our hishtadlut, God will do His part. But she thought that her job is to go out with any Orthodox guy offered. Any. From what I understand, she realizes now that that was unnecessary and unfair to herself.

Have you been on any nightmare dates? Why do you think you end up on them? How can we lower the number of nightmare dates happening in our community?

Well, we’re feeling mighty famous today! We’re being featured in two major websites. Check it out and feel free to spread the HaBitza word!

At Bangitout.com (a NY based site): The art of Shabbat invitation hinting

At Jerusalem Blueprint (a Jerusalem based site): Habitza.com: Dating rules in Jerusalem, by Rebecca Markowitz (Thanks Rebecca!)

Also, we’ve started a twitter account and a facebook fan page. Feel free to check those out as well as tell the whole entire world about them. :)

Guess what we’re talking about.

Single events, of course.

These are typical answers you’ll hear from a single person when you ask them how they feel about singles events. You’ll also hear awkward stories about playing networking games (called “singles games” at these events) and being “forced” to talk to people you know without a shadow of a doubt you will never be standing under a chuppa with.

This is such a sad state of affairs for a few reasons. First, I wonder if singles events have improved at all (it seems that singles dreaded them years ago and we still do till this day) (oh, at least it’s like a wonderful, long-lasting tradition). Second, for the most part, the people planning them, I will assume, are lovely, well-meaning people. They are just trying to help.

"I just came for the food."

But the truth is the truth. And what is the truth? That when I hear about an event, I considering it. When I suddenly find out it’s a singles thing, I have a strong aversion that barely allows me to consider it any longer.

I ask you, dear singles and non-singles who sincerely care to help, is there no alternative?

Honestly, I understand why singles events exist. If you go to a regular event, they may be fun but they are often not conducive to meeting new people. And you aren’t necessarily meeting people who are looking to get married. At a singles event, you know that supposedly everyone is there because they want to get married. But need it be so painful? Also, if there does continue to be singles events, should they be planned by marrieds? I know people are just trying to help but when it’s marrieds planning these events, it suddenly starts feeling like you’re a chesed case needing help from someone more fortunate (and successful) than yourself.

I think one must ask two questions: First, should singles events still exist at all and second, if so, how should they change? My first question is based on the very important fact that at events, having married peers creates a very different, and much more relaxed and healthy environment. Maybe singles events are just too forced and become a very uncomfortable meat market. As for the second reason, assuming that singles events continue to exist for a reason, how can they be improved so maybe we could actually go and have a nice time?

Notice that we currently have a poll up about this topic. Let us know how you feel when you hear about a single events.

Photo by Green Garden Girl at flickr.