HaBitza

Q.  I don’t know what to do – every time I go out with a guy, I find I take everything he says so personally.  If I order coffee and he says “I never drink coffee” I immediately think he thinks I’m being irresponsible with my health.  If he says he loves the colour blue, I start thinking he’s critical because I’m wearing black.  If he says “I usually go out earlier than this” I feel guilty because I couldn’t meet earlier.  I know this doesn’t make sense but don’t know how to stop. What should I do?

Yenta says:  Be more curious.  If you’re constantly doing internal audit during a date, you’ll never be able to relax enough to get to know the other person.  And do I have news for you – if you’re still doing this when you’re married, it won’t be pleasant (although it will be short).  Be more curious about who you’re with.  If someone says “I never drink coffee”, ask why.  Did they ever drink coffee.  Where did they hear it’s bad for you.  He loves the colour blue?  “Why?”, “what association does the colour blue have for you?” – take it outwards, not into your heart.  Why – It’s a short, brilliant question.  Even if someone says something you find offensive – not necessarily in a date situation – give yourself permission to ask “why”.  If you’re more focused outwards, on the person you’re with, than inwards on your own demons, you’re sure to enjoy life more, not to mention dating.