HaBitza

Once upon a time – there were no cellphones.  Really, none.  Then this cellphone appeared that was so big, if you tried to stick it in your back pocket someone would probably help you get to casualty, fast.  So to all intents and purposes there was still no cellphone.

If you set up a date, you had to fix a time, a place, and you actually had to be there.  It wasn’t always possible to call and say – sorry, I’m late, the boss, the traffic, the dog, etc.  You had to make sure your day worked around the fact that you had a date that evening, you had to leave on time, get home, get ready and get moving.

I’ve recently discovered that in today’s telecommunicated (sounds like excommunicated but possibly less fun?) world, a date can be an afterthought.  You can say – “I’ll call you when I finish work and we’ll finalize a time then”.  You can say “I think I’ll be ready around 9, I’ll text you.”  What happened to dates being special?  What happened to arranging your day so that you’ll be ready and waiting?

In many ways, a date is like an important business meeting that can affect your entire career.  Even if the meeting may not live up to expectations, you can’t count on that.  So you don’t take chances – do you?  (Maybe you do if you really want a career change…) You get to the meeting on time.  You turn the cellphone OFF (remember where that button is? do you even know?).  You prepare.  A date is an important meeting than can affect your entire life.  You can’t be sure it won’t.  You don’t know if it will.

When the meeting time is left indefinite, the message is clear.  “This is not that important to me.”  If it were, you would fix the time and make sure nothing barring acts of G*d (and traffic which I suppose is also an act of G*d…) will keep you from it.  Whether this is your first, first-date, or your fiftieth first-date – why take chances?  And if you’re so ready to take chances – why go out at all?

I just want to change the word “date” to “beshert.” I would pay a lot of money for a computer that had that button on the keyboard.

(Image used with permission from Ms. Single Mama.)

by Vera

How many marrieds do you know who never dated?  There is the occasional couple who say – we don’t know how, it just happened, we don’t remember who proposed, but here we are.  But it’s not exactly common.

The first  date is the first of the cascade of decisions which can lead to a decision to get married.  The first decision is to go out on a date.  The second decision is to go out again.  It cascades from there.  More simply put – no first decision, no cascade, no decision to get married.

By deciding to go on a first date you’re setting the apparatus of potential marriage in motion.  You’re putting yourself in a position where you will be required to make the next decision, and the next.  And as Anthony Robbins (self-help guru) says, the more decisions you make, the better you get at making them.

by Deena and Vera

Deena: This is a big question! After much debate, we decided that in The Dating Rules, on the first date, each person pays for themselves. Why? It just doesn’t seem fair that guys trying hard to meet their besherts need to have such a major extra expense. I, Deena, till recently felt the guy should pay, but I always had a nudging discomfort about it and I think that maybe it really isn’t how it should be anymore.

So the question is, what is being missed if the guy doesn’t pay? Is there gender role confusion? Should the girl be given the opportunity to feel that the guy wants to take care of her? Is that not something the guy would want to experience too?

Are we totally off here? Tell us what you think.

Vera:  I remember being told that if I want the guy to think I’m not interested, and to prevent the embarrassment of turning him down if he is, I should insist on paying.  I tried that with a guy who during the first (and only) date outlined to me exactly how our life would be, how I could work part time but had to be home to give hot lunch to our children.  I insisted on paying but it only caused an argument.  And he still wanted to go out again.  And I still had to say no – I did try saying I couldn’t cook hot lunch, would “mana hama” (instant noodles) do?

There is a guy-girl thing about paying, but there is so much uncertainty and stress on a first date it seems an easy way to make things, well, easier.  Sorry to those ladies who really enjoy the free cup of coffee/cake/meal on a first date and often see it as the only thing that made a lousy evening worth while – I feel for you!  Maybe guys, if you decide you want to go out a second time and would like to pay, say “I’d like to treat you to coffee/tea/cake/mana hama/steak ‘n chips/left-over cholent” so that the girl will know where she stands and what to expect.

It’s a tricky subject – what do y’all think?

Yenta and Chick,

I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I get into a really sucky mood and sometimes it turns out I’m moody before I need to call my date for the first time. I’m always worried my mood will come across on the phone and then the girl will think I’m down all the time. I’m also worried I won’t  be as nice as I want to be because of my mood.

Any ideas how I can deal with this?

MB

Yenta says:  I’m feeling decidedly Chick-like in my response to you, MB, moods are the pits.  And for a girl, talking to someone who sounds like Quasimodo on a bad day isn’t encouraging.  (don’t know who Quasimodo was?  look it up!).  You’re absolutely right, you do need to shift the mood before you make the call otherwise it will come across (unless she’s moody too, which might upset the Bezeq operator who’s listening in).  The way I see it you have several options:

1.  Eat chocolate before the call

2.  Avoid chocolate before the call (how should I know how your body chemistry works!)

3.  Find something that makes you laugh – a sitcom, book, article.  Half an hour before the call, make sure you’re watching/reading/doing something that’s upbeat.

4.  Talk to someone who makes you laugh.  Then make the call.

5.  Put on some funky music and dance around the house 10 minutes before making the call.  (you could leave your blinds open, might help your neighbours get out of their moods too)

6.  Keep the call very, very short.  With the Dating Rules you can do that.

Bear in mind, procrastinating on the call will absolutely not help your mood.

Q. Dating has become so depressing for me that I feel disappointed by a date before it’s even happened. Actually, before I’ve even agreed to it, I’m already disappointed that I went out with the person, it didn’t work out, and I’m alone again. Freakin’ painful!

Yenta says:  Oh please.  Sorry, spelled that wrong.  OH PULEEZE… check out the answer above.  Now sweetie, I want you to make a big sign and hang it somewhere you’ll see it first thing in the morning.  It should say – “LIGHTEN UP” (or “chill”, or “move with the groove” – how should I know what slang these kids are into these days?).  Also – dare I say it – show some respect.  A date isn’t just a date.  A date is a human being.  He/She might not be for you, but there is much more to the person than the part that’s involved in dating.  Go in with curiosity and respect – you may find what comes around goes around.  One thing’s for sure – if you go in expecting disappointment, you probably won’t be disappointed (get that? double entendre? fancy writing on this site, even if I am called Yenta)  (no, of course I’m not really called Yenta) (stop stalking me… you therapist you…)

The Chick says: Maybe you’re putting too much hope in one date. In one guy. Maybe it would be best to make peace with this pre-date disappointment, instead of feeling, well, disappointed about it. So, you are convinced the guy won’t be “it.” Beseder. Maybe this will actually take off a lot of pressure and help you just relax and enjoy your time with the guy since, if anyway you supposedly know you have no future with him, you may as well enjoy your time with him now! And then, tada!, you are more chilled, more yourself and, maybe you’ll more easily find your life collide with your beshert’s life.

by Deena

Imagine you’re on a date and you suddenly can’t think of anything to say. The other person is sitting across from you, a mirror image of your awkwardness. But then she reaches for her purse and starts rumaging through it… Suddenly she pulls out this:

A dream come true or a nightmare? : )

(Image used with permission from Ms. Single Mama.)

And you know there’s something wrong when we start waving in such peculiar manners.

This image is posted with permission from edu.blogs.com.

Q. I just can’t get myself to go on another date. I’m considering hiding at home until my soulmate finally gets my address right and knocks on my door. I promise I’ll answer. But until then I don’t want to put myself through another date. OK?

Yenta says:  Lighten up will ya!  Think of it as a networking meeting, a first business contact.  You’re not going to refuse to meet anyone until you’re certain that you can work with them are you?  You’re not going to refuse to go on job interviews unless you’re certain the job is perfect are you?  Oh, you’re at home, unemployed, no business prospects – well why didn’t you say?  Forget about dating, definitely not for you, maybe you’d like to contact the therapist who asked the first question on this page – she stalks,  you stay at home,  sounds like a perfect shidduch…

Q.  I don’t know what to do – every time I go out with a guy, I find I take everything he says so personally.  If I order coffee and he says “I never drink coffee” I immediately think he thinks I’m being irresponsible with my health.  If he says he loves the colour blue, I start thinking he’s critical because I’m wearing black.  If he says “I usually go out earlier than this” I feel guilty because I couldn’t meet earlier.  I know this doesn’t make sense but don’t know how to stop. What should I do?

Yenta says:  Be more curious.  If you’re constantly doing internal audit during a date, you’ll never be able to relax enough to get to know the other person.  And do I have news for you – if you’re still doing this when you’re married, it won’t be pleasant (although it will be short).  Be more curious about who you’re with.  If someone says “I never drink coffee”, ask why.  Did they ever drink coffee.  Where did they hear it’s bad for you.  He loves the colour blue?  “Why?”, “what association does the colour blue have for you?” – take it outwards, not into your heart.  Why – It’s a short, brilliant question.  Even if someone says something you find offensive – not necessarily in a date situation – give yourself permission to ask “why”.  If you’re more focused outwards, on the person you’re with, than inwards on your own demons, you’re sure to enjoy life more, not to mention dating.