This is a piece made up of excerpts from my personal diary from dating experiences and relationships with around five different men, all merged into one story of love/lack of love. This piece was written and compiled for and read at the Habitza Reading Evening on the Topic of Love and Lack Thereof.
Let’s call this man Moshe.
My bladder is full. My stomach is empty and I’m a nervous wreck. I just wrote Moshe an email. I’ve thought of just asking him out but I want him to ask me out…
Well, forget that! I heard back from him and then decided to bite the bullet and ask him out myself. I was really touched by his reply. He said that he hadn’t thought of it himself but he was complimented and thought it was a really nice idea. So, we’re going out!
Of course now I’m questioning myself… How much potential is there really? There are some pretty big differences between us. For one, he’s Israeli chiloni. I’m super traditional. But who knows, I guess…
For our first date we met on a Saturday night in Jerusalem. We went to the Marakia which is a horrid place.
He is super cool. Kind, gentle. I see that we can have good conversation.
For our second date we went to Café Yehoshua which, turns out, is a very treif place. We had a really nice time on that date. I just found him interesting to listen to and also he made me happy after going through a really crazy day (dying relatives and fighting siblings). He really helped me feel better which to me is like the best sign ever that he’s awesome in general and awesome for me.
When I was talking to Moshe a couple of nights ago, and again this morning, I was feeling so annoyed by what he was saying. When I mentioned that later in the conversation, he told me that he was only asking questions in order to understand. He was only asking a question.
How upsetting. This feeling. This sinking feeling. From the last couple of phone calls I felt like, forget it. I want to meet him one more time just to say I did it and move on.
But could it all just be because he was tired? Why isn’t he letting us talk about me, like really? That makes me feel like I’m boring him or something.
Ha! Guess what. Tonight we spoke and we ended up having it out and it was a great argument. I was so excited we could have a pretty serious argument, argue it out and then, when it’s over, just move on. We were laughing and talking about other things after that.
Afterwards I asked him how he felt about me sharing with him what was bothering me and he said he thinks it’s good to be open. The next time we spoke was a million times better again. He stays so conscious about not interrupting me.
For our third date we met by Gilad Shalit’s tent for megila reading. We schmoozed until it started and then I went inside to make sure I could hear it. He was so enthusiastic about it afterwards, thanking me for inviting him.
He was really sick, though. His nose is running non-stop. He’s exhausted. But we both wanted to see each other and I was very happy that he put in such an effort to meet me.
“When I’m tired, I get into an ‘I love everyone’ mood.” That’s what he told me on the date. At one point he leaned over and said, “I love you, Deena.” I know it wasn’t just a joke.
Anyway, after megila reading we went to a restaurant. It was just so nice being with him. We laughed a lot. We drank wine and limonana garoos. We mixed the two together at the end which didn’t work so well.
He said something so funny while we were sitting there but it’s probably right. He said that the beginning of a relationship is especially difficult and then he said that the beginning is the first 20 dates. I laughed when he said that but I think that maybe 20 makes sense.
At the same time I thought 20 sounded like a lot and so we decided to make one sitting into more than one date. We did that by getting up and changing seats in the middle of our drinks. We even traded the drinks. It was so cute and fun!
I like Moshe. Why? Well, for one thing, since I met him, I have been searching for his ego. Where is Moshe’s ego? Is it on the bus? In a boat? On a float? Is it over here? Is it over there?
Also he says when he thinks he’s wrong. He apologizes easily.
And there is his kindness. His sweetness, his soft and caring spirit. He is a gentle soul.
So now we’ve progressed to the stage of calling each other chamud. It’s sort of fun.
When we met tonight for date #4, he felt so reserved and introverted. It can be disconcerting but I decided I need to not read into it and just go with things and see if I could bring him out more. I did and it made me feel very good. He was barely smiling in the beginning but was smiling a lot more by the end.
And afterwards he kept telling me what a nice time he had. Yay!
I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that we are both getting so much out of being together right now. I feel like I am learning so much about myself, how I interact with people, etc. I am also learning so much from him. The way he thinks about things teaches me so much. His strong will to better himself. And as I get to know him better, so far, I am only more impressed.
For our fifth date we met on campus and he gave me a tour of part of it. It was really interesting but I keep feeling like he doesn’t hear what I’m saying when he’s on a roll and I need to either fight my way in or just not talk. It’s driving me crazy. :(
I’m so upset. Am I upset because it might just be that it didn’t work out for me with yet another guy or is it specifically him? I know what is bothering me and it’s not easy stuff. Really not. And I ask myself what I want to do with that.
Am I supposed to keep trying to figure out what it was that made it bad? What it was that made it good?
Moshe, I don’t feel like you really are trying to get me. Often I need someone who is going to probe, ask me questions, just talk about me. You don’t do that. Maybe ever.
I don’t know… I feel so unsure about all of this but I’m having such a difficult time letting go. I’m so sorry if I’m hurting you on the way.
Moshe, I’m so sorry about the potential that will never be actualized. I can feel how amazing you are, how much you helped me just in the short time that we were first in touch on the phone, email and chat and then the few times we met. And I feel sad that the potential won’t continue to be actualized.
And then I think, well, maybe the potential was actualized. Maybe those three weeks were the actualization of our potential together.
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